Actually, I am doing pretty well at the moment. I reached my rock bottom place--dwelled there far too long for that matter--this past spring, even considering separation (I was classic WAW material). Anger had pretty much killed any loving feelings I had and we were living in an emotionally divorced state for some time, years I guess. H has always considered my unhappiness to be job stress. After all, our home life was happy and relatively peaceful, wasn't it?
I have ordered and am waiting for the Love Languages book to arrive. I strongly expect H's language to be revealed as "acts of service". This is how he shows his love and commitment to our family and to me. As long as there is money in the bank and harmony in the house, he is completely satisfied. My language will be touch, no doubt.
About two months ago, in order to break the ice on the serious subject of R talk, I began writing letters to him. I tend to become too emotional about those concerns, given how important they are to me, and usually end up NOT saying everything that I want in a face to face format. I also know that sex and R are not things he thinks about and that he would have no answers without time to think. It actually worked well for both of us to air out some of the dustiest places through letters and it also opened the door for the face to face talks.
When H read the SSM, his behavior toward me changed almost a 180 (at least a 140-LOL) Suddenly he began showing affection in an unprecedented way--hugs, kisses (even "good" ones), and he's asked me to please initiate ML whenever I want. This is the most difficult part for me, since I know it's such an effort for him. He requires the "blue pill" or the like and then experiences several days of side effects. While good ML energizes me and makes me want more, it seems to suck the life out of him, so I don't *really* ask for it as much as I'd like. But every 4-5 days is a VAST improvement over once a month.
Since then (about 2 months), I am doing MUCH better. I didn't really have to work hard to GAL....I already had one, since H and I were already existing in somewhat parallel but separate universes. I also get plenty of "me" time and indulge once a week in a facial, massage or shopping with D13. I am concentrating on spending more time on household projects that I avoided when I was so bummed, as well as making more time to enjoy my horses.
For him, I am doing my darnedest to ensure that he receives the positive feedback and reinforcement he needs for the changes made to date. My ice has melted for sure, and I return to him the love and affection he is showing me. If he gets to the point of actually asking 'how am I doing', I know I need to step up the affirmation a notch! I have given him plenty of space on following through with his physical stuff, and I only check in occasionally to see if he's done anything there, such as research or a Dr. appt. Honestly, I wouldn't describe his actions as "digging in his heels" in any way...he just doesn't show any initiative on his own.
We have made HUGE STRIDES here toward repairing our SSM, and I marvel at that for sure. But we're still not out of the abyss, and from here on I need to be patient and appreciative of baby steps. My concern is that H seems perfectly happy right here. He seems to be depending on me for guidance, so if I'm in that role, I want to choose my tools wisely. Hmm-m-m.
As I mentioned, I have a host of new books ordered which I will read for myself first. I have also printed out a number of your posts that I found particularly thought provoking, such as the '4 Basic Models', 'Sexual Archetypes' and the 'Confessions of a PE'. I will offer interesting reading material, since he is open to it. And for a while, I will try and support his "self help" efforts as long as he is trying. He loves to read, but prefers Clive Cussler to 'self help', but he will give a look-see to anything I show him with a thumbs up.
