Your posts really resonate with me on so many levels.
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For me right now, I guess it's the freedom I see. The ability to go and do whatever they want when they want. I know I can't jump on a jet ski and run up and down the river. I know I can't jump in my car and just drive, no plan, no specific destination, stop when I get tired, take the scenic route. I know I can't do those things. Would that same person hold that same attraction if our lives were different? Would I be drawn to that freedom if I had no ties on me? Or would I be drawn to someone stable, rooted in reality, who would be my mirror image?
I am a planner at heart. I do things that "appear" like I am taking risks - like starting my own firm - but they are always well thought out calculated risks. I need routine, stability and predictability. But I also get bored when I get what I want...
The X was not a planner. And we clashed at times. But looking back - The X drew me out and taught me to take some risks w/o planning. And we both had our drama queen moments - but when the M was doing well - he was grounded when I wasn't and I was when he wasn't. It was a good R when it was working.
I do know that these days - I gravitate towards people that make me feel grounded. But people that also know how to take some risks and have some fun. However these same people also have their moments and I am the grounded one...
I am rambling - you have made me think...
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As for following the crowd...that hasn't been my problem, but there have been times when I've...I see me hiding behind the curtain, not showing myself completely, but there, watching, wishing I could step out and let myself be seen. Instead, I pull down the brim of my hat, fold up my collar, and walk away.
I swear I'm not that much of a freak, I just feel that way sometimes. I admire those people who are flamboyant and unafraid of being the center of attention. It makes me wonder what makes them different.
I don't think there is such a big difference. I can walk into a room knowing no one and am very much of an extrovert. BUT I also feel like a part of me is hiding behind that curtain. And while I enjoy the interactions at that moment - I do not form emotional attachments easily. At the end of the social occasion - I too pull down the brim of my hat, fold up my collar, and walk away.
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I saw a woman wearing this great outfit. Red longish top over these really cute capri pants, high heels. I just thought it was a great outfit, but one I could never wear without feeling totally conspicuous. So I stick to jeans and Ts. Sometimes I just want to be that girl that everyone stares at and feel completly comfortable with the attention.
My sister is like that woman. She can carry a great outfit. I feel very conspicuous when I dress up - so I dress down.
I was downtown on Saturday - expecting to be doing touristy things with a friend - so I dressed in comfortable clothes and took my backpack b/c it is easier than a purse. My plans fell through so I decided to get tickets for the matinee show to Wicked. I had an hour to spare so I ran to Macys to see if I could find a dress. And I did find a dress and well then I needed hose and shoes and I just felt very "conspicuous." So I went to the musical looking like someone that was backpacking through the country. And then I decided I want to go to a really nice restaurant I had always wanted to try - wearing the same clothes - probably far more conspicuous than had I bought the dress.
I don't know why I felt such a mental block when it came to buying that outfit... It was even on sale! It felt so outside my comfort zone. I know that The X really liked it when I dressed up - but I rarely did... And I know even though he never said anything - he was disappointed at times.
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Instant gratification on everything. Maybe that has something to do with skipping a few steps and getting right to the bedroom, or the back of the car, or the parking lot...
I feel the same way. I feel very pressured to decide EVERYTHING now. I would like to just get to know someone w/o the pressure of "will I go out with him w/o even having a conversation - where is this R going - when are we going to sleep together, etc."
I feel like I am in the middle of that Madonna/Justin Timberlake song - Four Minutes with a clock ticking.
I have made an effort during the last month to get out more and get involved in activities where there are other single people present. That way there is the possibility that I can first get to know potential dates first as friends before I decide if I want more. Will it work - I have no idea.
Thank you for your posts. They have really made me think about things...
