Just a little journaling of the past few days events and some of my thoughts so I can get it out.
Friday evening I met her for some coffee so we could talk some. It was my idea, although I know I shouldn't do that. It's just that I'm struggling with a lot of things right now other than getting over this relationship. Mainly financial reasons.
Some of the things I notice now when I talk to her make me kind of sad. Not sad about the situation, but sad for her. She used to have this twinkle in her eye, but it's not there anymore. She says that she's happy, but her reasons for being so happy are all false reasons. I just don't see it. She seems lost inside and it scares me that her false happiness is going to fade and she will be left in the same spot that she was before. Alone and empty. If she's really going to move on, then I'd rather it not be for the reasons she thinks make her happy, but real happiness.
We talked about several things. She told me that the date they set for their wedding is May 10th and that they have already reserved the chapel. She's already told her parents about it. After years of telling me I would have to ask for her parent's blessing and would have to make the moment memorable when I ask her. I guess things change.
I do think that this guy is a really good guy, but I still feel that she shouldn't have been looking for that. She asked me at one point why I thought we never got married. I told her that I thought it was a timing thing, that we had to grow together and we did, but after she got to where she wanted to be, she decided to find someone else. This guy had to go through what we did, but she doesn't have the memories of it. It probably doesn't make much sense, but I know what I'm trying to say. She asked why I was being civil about things and I told her that it was just like I told her the other day, that I put five years into our R, and it had meant a lot to me.
When I left, I gave her a hug and she embraced me pretty tight again. When I got home, I got a text from her saying that she could still smell me on her face. She told me that it sucked. I asked why and she told me that it smelled good and would make her miss me. I told her not to miss me. Then she told me she didn't, which didn't make sense with her previous comment. I said, "good, then there's not a problem." We chatted for a little while longer and then I went to bed.
Saturday she initiated some contact through text during the day. We just chatted a little bit and then she invited me to dinner that evening. We talked a little bit more about her being happy, etc. She opened up some and expressed her frustration with the guy's little dilema and how she was worried about it. I asked her how she would deal with it if they couldn't resolve it. She said it was workable with a little effort. I actually chuckled to that because I think our R, or any R is workable if you actually put effort into it. She asked me why I laughed and I told her it wasn't why she though, that I wasn't laughing at his prediciment, but what she said struck me funny.
That kind of led into a discussion about our escapade on Tuesday night. She asked me at one point if the sexual desire was physical or emotional. Acting as if, I told her not to worry, that it was purely physical at this point. Her response was a sarcastic thanks and something about that's not what a woman wants to hear. I told her that she didn't want me to have an emotional attachment, so she should be happy that I don't. I asked her the same question, because she has expressed more sexual desire towards me. She answered that she wanted it to be purely physical, but it's not completely. She said she didn't see how it could be with our history. I told her I understood. I didn't want to admit this part, because I know I'm going to get beaten up over it, but I don't want to hide anything. We ML again saturday night.
Our discussions actually help me a little bit. Her talking about her plans with the other guy, and how solid they are, help me to move on a little bit. Either that, or I'm moving on, and the discussions don't bother me as much. Either way, I can feel myself getting over it. I still feel lonely, and empty sometimes, but not as often.
I could probably type out a lot more, but it's kind of jumbled as my thoughts are pretty much all over the place, but gradually getting to where I want them to be.
FLoyd The grass is always GREENER over the septic tank.
I'm doing a pretty good job acting as if lately. Our discussions haven't gotten to me at all, and I have a good time while we interact. Since I've been able to do that, I think it changes the way she interacts with me. I'm not doing it for her though, I'm simply faking it til I make it.
I also told her I wouldn't be able to talk to her for a while on Saturday night. Her new guy was going to be in town for a few days, and I'm leaving on a business trip tomorrow for most of the week. I've kind of thought about her being with him today, but it hasn't been overwhelming. I think I'm doing pretty good with it.
I also had a discussion with the girl that I've gone out with a few times on Thursday evening. She was the girl that I dated after I broke up with my XGF back in October. We dated for about five months at that time. Well our conversation was about our relationship and where it is heading. I told her that I'm not ready for anything serious at this point. She expressed that she want's more than that because she's gotten attached and is developing feelings for me. So in a nutshell, we decided not to see each other at this time until I'm ready for something serious.
Last edited by Floyd101; 08/11/0802:38 AM.
FLoyd The grass is always GREENER over the septic tank.
I'm at the office trying to get everything done before I leave on this business trip. Things keep getting piled on. I just realized that I have to have a report done before I leave and it will pretty much take all my time to do it. That leaves no time for the other things I have to get done.
Not to mention that this R thing is on my mind a lot this morning, and it's hard to concentrate.
FLoyd The grass is always GREENER over the septic tank.
Floyd, I think it's best to stay away from the XGF more. She's confused and you seem to be confused too. As for the other girl you dated, it's wise to stay away from her for w a while too. You are a very confused man in the part of your life yes?
You need to figure out what your objectives are and then work towards them.
Jen *The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present*
I agree that I'm confused. To be honest, I still wish things weren't the way they are, and a little piece of me wants her back. I've decided that that isn't possible because she is practially engaged to her new guy. I'm not ready to move on yet though, so a new relationship just isn't worth trying right now. I think about the xgf too much. Dating the new girl wasn't what I was wanting, so that's why we decided we shouldn't date at this time.
Who knows, maybe somebody will knock me off my feet and I'll completely forget about this.
Thanks for the objective idea. I've got things in mind, but haven't really set goals with dates or anything, so maybe I should do that and keep them with me at all times. Focusing is the hard part. I feel like I need to focus on moving on, but deep inside, that's not what I want...so I get distracted and have a hard time doing it.
FLoyd The grass is always GREENER over the septic tank.
Not a whole lot going on right now. I just got back from an overnight business trip. I did go out to dinner while I was gone, and had a few drinks. Later, at the hotel, I was kind of missing her, and sent her a text that said I wished she was there. I got no response and a little while later, I sent her another text that said, "Nevermind. I shouldn't have said that." Again I got no response. This evening I got home and sent her a text telling her I was sorry for the text last night. She replied with, "Ok, no worries."
Her OG is staying with her right now, and when he's there, she is very short with her responses. When he's gone, she converses with me quite a bit... so it's par for the course.
I've been thinking a lot about my confusion. I think a lot of it is that the advice I'm getting is to move on because she's not the type of girl that I would want to marry, but if I was already married, it would be a different story. None of these WAS's are showing signs of something you would want in a marriage. I don't have much hope, because she's pretty much engaged to someone else now, but a little piece of me still wants to fix this because I love her. She was more than just a girlfriend after 5 years of dating/living together, etc. That's longer than some here have been together. It's just not easy to move on at times, and every once in a while I miss her, although it's getting fewer and farther between.
It's just taking time.
FLoyd The grass is always GREENER over the septic tank.
We talked a little bit through text last night. It was a short conversation, nothing too important. I had ended the conversation with a text that was lighthearted and small joke. That was around 11 or so.
Around 1 am she replied to it with a laugh and told me she was going to bed. I replied to it by telling her to sleep well. I didn't expect any response from that, but she asked what I was still doing up. I simply told her that I wasn't tired.
She told me that she had a dr appointment today to check up on her blood pressure...and then kind of opened up about being stressed about some things, like nothing panning out so far with her job search, etc. I just told her to remain positive and to let me know how her dr appointment turned out. That's the jist of it, but I just kind of showed her some support like I would for anybody else in that situation.
She sent me a text this morning telling me she was at the Dr. Office and was feeling like her bp was high again, she had a headache and didn't feel well. She said she was stressing and then told me she thought it was being back in this area that was doing it to her, because she felt fine all summer. Now I know that it's not the town that is stressing her, but I didn't want to tell her she was being ignorant. I wasn't sure how to be supportive though, so I told her that she was just more worried about stuff now because camp isn't keeping her busy.
I told her to let me know when she was done and I would call her. So she did. I called her and asked her how it went. She let me know. I asked her why she was stressing so much and she was like, "Oh, everything!" and then she went into everything she was stressing about. Her looking for a new job, her bp, her surgery, her parents/family, etc. It's the same old run of the mill stuff that she has always stressed about. One of the things she said she was stressing about was me. I asked her why I would be stressing her. She told me that I always do and made a comment that made me think that she was still thinking about me.
She told me that she met her new guys mom the other day. His parents are divorced. She said it didn't go well at all. She said she's never had a parent that didn't like her and this lady was cold as ice with her. She's supposed to meet his dad this week sometime.
I'm trying to be supportive of her decision, but it's kind of hard. I'm staying light hearted with our conversations so that I don't get stressed about things. Fake it til you make it...detach.
The past couple of weeks, she has opened up to me a lot and I can see everything for what it is. She made the comment the other day when we had coffee that she needed to vent, and nobody else understood but me, and she even listed out her few friends and then said, "...and Aaron sure as heck doesn't understand." It's obvious to me that she was worried about dealing with the things we dealt with; finances, me having kids, etc. And she started looking for something that didn't have those issues, but the new package came with it's own issues; mom that doesn't like her, impotence, etc. The new guy always looks better because you don't know everything about them. They start out being really supportive and it seems like eden, but you're not dealing with real life issues that you have to with the person you have been with for a long time, and know inside and out. I wonder if in time, she will truly be happy.
She told me that there were 7 openings in a local school system. I asked her if she was going to apply, and she said there was no way, she wasn't going to work here at all.
We joked around a little bit about a few things for a while, and then I figured I should end the convo and get back to work.
I asked her what her plans were for the rest of the week. She said she wasn't sure. So I told her that with her plans coming up, and my plans, that Thursday might be our last time to do anything together. She told me she would get back with me, because she didn't know when Aaron was coming back into town for the weekend. They are going down to her sisters for her neice's birthday party. So that was that.
FLoyd The grass is always GREENER over the septic tank.
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
I agree Lola, but I'm not reading into it too much because she is still spending all her time with him, and planning to marry him May 10th, meeting his parents, etc.
I think that when she does figure out that the grass isn't greener, it will be well after she is married to the guy. It's just frustrating.
FLoyd The grass is always GREENER over the septic tank.
