Had dinner with W last night. Usual good conversation. Afterwards we walked around and finally ended up at a little park where we sat and continued to talk. She told me her concern about how her sister doesn't talk at all with husband and wasn't very happy - my W suggested to her sister going to MC (?!). Then she told me about her aunt who was recently dumped by a guy because she wasn't thin and outdoorsy enough; complained about what a jerk he was and I wondered how much she herself is going to like rejoining the dating scene. W asked if I was seeing anyone and I told her I wasn't ready to date yet.
At the first pause in conversation, she started to say something, then choked a bit. Started to tear up. Then she told me she'd had a very sad night while visiting some friends of ours, remembering all the fun times we'd had together. She said she was very sorry for hurting me and cried a bit. I put my arm around her and she laid her head on my shoulder for awhile. Eventually she reached out and we held hands, but then it was as if we both realized that we shouldn't be doing this and pulled apart. Went back to the car.
Back at my house, I invited her in and we sat on my patio for another long conversation. Finally she started to go. I told her good luck on her travels in case I didn't see her. She told me she wasn't leaving for 2 more weeks, then paused and said, I guess we may not see each other. She hugged me goodbye, then remembered she needed to tell me about the appointment with the divorce judge.
At that point I felt suddenly overwhelmed with the whole thing and started to tear up. She came over and held me tight. I told her I was sorry, that I obviously wasn't over her and it was going to take some time. She squeezed me tighter and we stayed like that for awhile. Eventually we pulled apart, both feeling sad for everything that had happened, and she left.
So, there it is. I'm glad she apologized for hurting me, that she reached out to comfort me, and that she obviously still cares. But I recognize that this doesn't indicate regret at what she'd done or is doing and that she doesn't think our connection is worth pursuing. I've always thought this kind of connection was the basis of a solid marriage, but now I don't know what to believe anymore.
I feel stupid this morning for crying. I feel stupid for caring. I wish I could get angry and shut her out in order to protect myself.
