August - 2 months to go till a year of separation

[JCJ]

I'm building quite a collection now!

Here is a link to my last thread... that has links to my previous ones.

I'll sail this ship alone

Well, I sent h a text asking if he fancied going for a drink after work tomorrow (Wednesday) and I got a reply this morning saying

"Hi, sorry I didn't reply, I took a day off work yesterday and I only saw your message last night. I was wondering whether Saturday was a good day for me to come to the house?"

I'm feeling pretty gutted and have gone into numb self-preservation mode I think. It's ok really, I knew it would happen but it is just a bit gutting. My angry reaction is the first part of that message is b*llocks, his phone never leaves his side! But maybe he needed to do some thinking or maybe he was spending time with ea or maybe he was just having a day off. I don't know, I'm not going to go down that route but I just feel it is all a bit feeble. His actions to me are feeble and I have to just slot into everything, I get no say. Those are my feelings about it all.

Onto solutions... I don't have any at the moment. Go swimming at lunchtime to take my frustrations out on the pool? Any comments greatly appreciated as always, I'm feeling a bit sad.

[istherehope]

Hi JCJ,

Sorry that you're going through this right now. I honestly can't imagine how difficult it must be to be going through all of this and then have there be an EA on top of everything else.

I would try to let go of what he said about not getting your text. Maybe he just didn't feel like he was able to spend time with you, and thought if he'd responded right away, he would have to come up with an excuse. Maybe in some way he was trying not to hurt your feelings. I think all that you can do at this point is show him that this kind of thing doesn't hurt your feelings, that you are strong and that not hearing from him doesn't rock your world.

Is there any way that him coming to the house on Saturday could be a positive thing? Could this be an opportunity to demonstrate strength to him in one way or another? Are there subtle GAL things that could be placed around the house so that he can see how active and interesting you are?

I think the going swimming idea is great. Exercise always helps, even if it only helps a little bit.

I'm sorry you're feeling sad. Have you been seeing any progress recently? Is there something that makes you hopeful? Are there any experiments that you could try on Saturday to see how they work? Something different to what you normally do?

Sorry that I don't have more concrete suggestions for you, but I'm thinking good thoughts for you.

ITH

[istherehope]

Oh--I also wanted to ask if you've ever talked to a DB coach. I didn't see from your thread whether you had or not. Even if this doesn't fix things, I find that having a conversation with a pro-marriage counselor always makes me feel a little bit better about myself.

ITH

[TwinDad]

Morning Julia,

I know you are feeling down lets look at the positive

1) Your H has tried to initiate something with the house....the first time in a long time he has tried to initiate anything. You have been trying to get him to help you out there for quite some time. A good opportunity for DBing

2) You took a bold step in inviting him for drinks. I think it was worth the try (it is good to experiment). He didn't take the bite on that but he offered something else up. In the past he would have been silent for days if he ever responded at all

Put on your PMA hat for this weekend

[JCJ]

Hey TwinDad

Thanks for your post. I have been trying to look at the positive but am finding it hard. Realistically H only initiated the house because it was of benefit to him. I just feel like I spent all of that energy a few weeks ago focusing on the house because that was what he wanted to do and then he messed me around. I don't really want to do anything with the house as that means more of a split between us both - although I don't know how much worse it can get really. I suppose the only reason the house hasn't gone before is because he is staying somewhere for free.

I only asked him for drinks as we didn't manage to meet for coffee last week and thought that after work might be better for him as he is not so busy. I didn't say that in the text to him obviously but maybe he has taken it that I have hopes now.

Do you have any ideas for a reply back from me? I've just been for a swim and had lunch so am feeling better now. It just was not nice to wake up to first thing this morning! It is good that he is responding better and quicker these days!

[JCJ]

Hi Istherehope,

I am going to try and turn this Saturday into a prime DBing opportunity. This has been in the pipe-line for weeks so I have had enough time to plan some stuff lol! There has been progress recently in that we have had some good text interactions and he feels a lot safer in approaching me which is good. Hopefully that is something I can build on in person this weekend.

I have had a few DBing coach sessions and have found them really helpful particularly the last one which I think was at the end of my 'slow and steady wins the race thread'. I think I may try and schedule one for this week to improve my PMA. I'm working from home tomorrow so will have a chance then if I can get a slot.

Thanks for your post, I wil lthink about some of the questions you have asked me. May be a good starting point for fresh ideas.

[TwinDad]

Julia,

I know you have mixed feelings on the house. Even though it benefits your H, he sure has been dragging his feet on it. I think it has more to do with him having "fears" about dealing with you....not necessarily your fault...more his insecurities.

I would respond with something with "Saturday sounds fine, what did you have in mind for a time?"

Just something simple. Start to prepare your self for this weekend. You are going to need to be your strongest and look your best. This will be the longest time you two have seen each other in quite a while. Practice that PMA

[JCJ]

Thanks TD I'm already planning my Friday night pampering session!

[TwinDad]

Cool!! You deserve it. Another piece of advice I would give you would be to give yourself permission to not think about your sitch on thursday or friday. Give yourself and opportunity to recharge your batteries. You have been thinking about his for quite some time. There is very little can be added between now and then. PDT just gave that advice to Neil and I thought it was excellent.

[JCJ]

That is asking the impossible for me but I will try my very best! I am pretty tired, and exhausted by my constant thinking of him/ sitch. A mental break would be good!