Need Advice Please!

[TwinDad]

((((((Twinhope))))))

I am glad to hear you are doing none of the traditional mistakes (begging, pleading, etc). You have been much better at that in the beginning than I was......I sure was pathetic. You sound like you are a very strong person, just wanting your H back

I think if your H has walked out the door, counseling probably won't help him from a couples standpoint. It might help him with himself....but as you know this is something he has to decide and want to do for himself. Just like counseling might help you with yourself.

I have made mistakes. I did not put my H first and I am real sorry for that. I have accepted responsibility and told him so. I think he thinks I am just trying to get him to bite and is not sure if I mean what I say. He thinks I talk the talk but don't walk the walk. I believe he is scared to put himself out there again

It is great that you recognize this. I have actually been in your H's position with regards to not being put first and I can say it is a very hurtful feeling. It is not something I would have left my W and kids over, but it is something that would lead me to be passive aggressive and cause damae to the R in other ways. It is pretty common for the WAS to notice the changes and not "trust you" to maintain them. In their mind they has already checked out. My W told me all the time she didn't trust me. I never understood until I came here and understood it was about changes I had made.....she didn't know who I was or becoming. This will come in very handy when you start to put your R back together.

He had met a new "friend" at work who is 21 and going thru a D. They have been leaning on each other and he claims there is nothing going on. I am just letting him be not addressing any of this with him. Not giving him any reason to use me as the reason for his anger, leaving, etc

You are handling this great and with strength. You realize he is out of the house and you can't control him and if you try it will just push him further away. Just realize, this might eventually require a lot of work on your part. If he is leaning on her then she is meeting a need (giving him attention) and I can almost guarantee he is developing some feelings. How he chooses to handle this will help define him. I wouldn't change how you are dealing with this.

I just realized last night that the two of you were high school sweethearts. It almost seems like he is trying to re-live his childhood (turning 30 and have 2 yr old twins really changes your persepctive on life). He is hanging out with a pretty immature crowd (a 21 yr old about to be D and a 23 yr old who is D), he was unhappy in his job, unhappy with his family. I may seem like a MLC or similar. You would probably do well to read some of the links in there about the whole MLC process. It can pretty eye opening and might help put some of his actions into perspective.

Continue to work on you, like Lola said. Make your changes consistent, a part of who you are.

What sort of arrangements have the two of you made for the kids. My W and I did alternating weeks with a couple planned joint visits/activities in the middle (D's dance class mid week and their gym class on the weekend).

Are your D's involved in any activities, they should be old enough for dance. My D loves it (my S also likes to get dressed up in her tu-tu.....shhhhhhhh...don't tell anyone...lol)

Just one last thing. Don't you think twins are just the greatest. Sure the first year is a blur, but now that they are toddlers they have their best friend with them 24/7. It is truly a blessing.

Take care