Ah, locked overnight. Here it was...my last thread. A copy of the last post - thanks so much Naej for your kindness: -
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Nothings going to happen next, a big fat nothing.
Hi Ali, this stood out to me. I said the same thing.I know because my kids remind me of it when they try calling me and I am often out.
Maybe, perhaps one part of your life journey has come to an end BUT you are still on the path and it will have lots more twists and turns to go. Strange as it may seem I often think after all the effort we put into DBing when it ends or we stop putting so much effort in, we miss it, we miss the anticipation,good or bad. We miss the inter action good or bad, because even bad gives us something to mull over to plan with etc...
First of all stop blaming yourself, yes own half by all means but nothing you did or did not do will have caused 100% of this. Put that same effort into building yourself up.
People are in our life for a reason or a season so I have read. Best friends help us grow, sometimes we outgrow each other but it does not take away from the friendship we shared.
Make plans to keep busy however bad you feel,really try to fake it til you make it! I am glad you plucked up courage to make the call to the therapist,I hope it helped. Leave your x alone or make the call. You decide. It seems cruel of him to do all those activities with you and then just fade away. Maybe it was his way of checking that you were doing ok kind of on your own,not realising how high your hopes were. When he realised that he felt a clean break was kinder. Who knows we can guess til the cows come home. My x did pretty much the same beggged me to stay in touch, came home for Sunday lunch etc, then changed his mind said he didn't want to give me false hope so no contact was best for me! ha.
Give it time, I know those dreaded words. Take care.
Yes, I can see that - I've been lying awake since 6...so this is the end of the road for us and the beginning of the road for me. I've got one of those horrible sinking lost feelings. Like your standing in a grubby bus station somewhere at 6am, everyone else seems to be rushing about getting on with their lives and speaking a different language. You dont know where you are headed, you dont know where the ticket office is, you feel foolish and useless because what should be exciting, isnt, you feel just feel afraid and lonely. But you know you have no choice but to go find out and make a plan. You worry the bus will be crowded and hostile and take you to the wrong place,or the journey will be hard. (this happened to me in Turkey and China, so I'm not making this up!). It feels like an ordeal, but you suspect it will make a great story one day...
The other thing I was lying awake thinking was what you just said:
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It seems cruel of him to do all those activities with you and then just fade away. Maybe it was his way of checking that you were doing ok kind of on your own,not realising how high your hopes were. When he realised that he felt a clean break was kinder. Who knows
Exactly that, so thanks for spotting it! It was cruel of him. Thats the bit I cant get my head around, he's been such a good and loyal friend to me for 12 years, he really has been patient and consistent and kind. And I have been good to him and especially in the past year. So its incomprehensible to me that he could be so cruel. I think I will ask him though. I'm sorry your H did the same to you.
Ali x
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Hi Ali, just waiting on a tradesman so thought I'd log on. The weather is just so depressing. I really have lots to do but just can't summon up my get up and go-I think it got up and went. Yes I am sorry my H did that to, but looking back I guess it seemed to be his only option. Stay in constant touch and being the nice guy whilst feeling trapped and a fraud for giving me false hope.Or disappear into the ether and start his new life whilst hoping I survived. Thus looking cruel and callous.
I also think he did honestly think I could have just been friends and waved him off with a smile to enjoy his new life. No it didn't happen as I tried to explain to him. I am fussy about my friends. I expect loyalty and honesty and love and respect from them. As I treat them the same. Liars and cheaters and selfish people don't actually become my friends. Sorry How are you today, got any plans? Had your breakfast, washed the pots-I know I sound like your mum! or did you creep back to bed and hide under the duvet? I think I might have done that had I not been expecting said person to call. Well I best at least try to acomplish something-I'll check back later.
Thanks Naej...I'm feelng in need of "mother" figures right now. ANd yes, the weather is attrocious.
I'm at work. Luckily i have none to do, but using the internet is a no-no but hey ho, past caring. I have been day dreaming about going travelling, but thats a fantasy as I know its not my destiny right now..funnily enough it is his and would be the perfect antidote (he's had eclipses in his 9th house of travel, near to the angle of the career and will have one on his Jupiter in Feb, again about travel) either that or higher learning, but I dont think he would go back to college. I think his best bet is a possible job on offer in Dubai a while ago. It fits with the eclipses. I still dont know what to do about my college course, I am so broke.
Th confusing thing for me is, he wasnt a liar and a cheat and he didnt run off with someone else over the past year (as your H did?) he was just alone and kept in close contact with me - very confusing. I hate that he is ignoring me though, its so disrespecful. Its another shock. I am drafting an email to him now...
I still have this horible feeling when I look in the mirror, like I am no good, or not pretty enough, or am a bad person. I talk and talk about the reasons he left me and I still cant get past this leaving me feeling inadequate and 'not good enough'. Its just the ultimate rejection.
I dont know what has happened, I cant from where I am. Just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you and sending you good vibes and strength and laughter and hugs and giggles...
Princess, you will be fine. Even if it feels you will not. Love Maria
I emailed him this morning, light, no pressure, about business, didnt even ask him to meet me, but insinuated (we have to sign a lease, I could post it to him I guess, but that is very cold and would be an extreme end to things). He hasnt replied.
They have the radio on in my office and they are playing our song. I feel heartbroken.
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
So I had counseling tonight and she said that my feelings were valid, that it was ok to tell someone that you are angry at them, that they have hurt you. It doesnt matter that he is depressed, I wouldnt be being unfair if I do that. Otherwise, I will have to deal with those emotions somehow and so far they are turned inwards and are causing me to be depressed.
So I was determined to try and speak to him. I called him at 8, expecting him to be out at football, sure enough, no answer. I called back at 9 when he would be home, it wsa engaged. To test it wasnt someone else leaving a message, I called back 5 or 10 minutes later, it was still engaged so he was home. So I called back at 9.15 and it rang... and he didnt answer. I couldnt put the phone down, so left a message along the lines of "Hi, I hope you're ok, I rang earlier but it was engaged, so give me a ring back if you're not too tired"... he hasnt. So, its been 8 days since we spoke. He didnt answer as either:
a) Hes deliberately ignoring my call b) He's doing a because he has decided its over for good c) he's doing a becuase he has met someone else d) He's doing a becuase he's too depressed and cant handle speaking to me e) He put the phone down and went in the shower - but he atill hasnt rung back, so he is still doing a f) he went straight out for a drink after putting the phone down at 9.10
I cant believe he ignored my email today and then my phonecall. He is literally ignoroing me. He is in Cornwall as his phone was engaged earlier. I feel sick to my stomach and almost shocked that he could actually string me along for 6 months and then dump me a second time.
This has echoes of December when he wouldnt answer the phone to me, so I stopped calling for the whole of January. Then he got back in touch, but theres no way we would go around another cycle of this. This is the culmination of a process that begun in February. Its not the start of another one.
Thnking about it, he ignored my phonecall last Sunday. Monday he picked up but said he didnt want to talk. Tuesday we spoke and I asked him to meet me to sign the lease, but he sounded irritable and we never did arrange to meet. I called him Friday and he ignored it. He then emailed me on Monday about how ropey and wet his weekend was, but didnt mention the lease. I replied, also not mentioning the lease, but he hasnt. I emailed him today about the lease and just saying hi and he didnt reply. So this is it, this is how my story end. With him refusing to answer my calls or emails.
Hi Ali, glad you saw your C. It is alwful that he is ignoring you but I guess his silence is speaking volumes and he is expecting you to get the message loud and clear.
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a) Hes deliberately ignoring my call b) He's doing a because he has decided its over for good c) he's doing a becuase he has met someone else d) He's doing a becuase he's too depressed and cant handle speaking to me e) He put the phone down and went in the shower - but he atill hasnt rung back, so he is still doing a f) he went straight out for a drink after putting the phone down at 9.10
I guess a,b,c, are all the same-he is done,long gone. I guess e, as you say is more of a, f, well not sure could be he's down the pub. but he hasn,t been there since you last emailed or left a message so we are back to a. Rejection is the worst thing. His depression guilt cowardiss does not excuse his behaviour. You have a right after 9 years to at least have had a face to face goodbye. Even if he lied through his teeth to your face. Not sure how far away his place is from yours but short of stalking him and making him face you what can you do. Let him go and thank God you didn't waste any more than 9 years on this person. Thank God for the 9 years and be thankful he was in your life but accept it is over. Probably too soon for either but you can at least realise that there is nothing more you can do.
Don't fully understand the lease business(must have missed that bit) but if it is so important that you need him to sign you will have to go see him or find away to deal with it alone. NO doubt others will tell you the exact opposite and to wait and try yet more db tactics.God works miracles and to pray. I believe that to but after many years on this site,it is rare and what isn't rare is people hurting and prolonging that hurt and pain by a refusal to see the writing on the wall.Or settling for second best. Sorry if I sound harsh and cruel but I am a realist. Thats how I survived. Never say never but for now take care of you by whaever means you can. Maybe he has called you by now and you have talked. I hope with all my heart that you spare yourself the blame game. If he contacted you after leaving him alone for a month you could try that again but please move on from the waiting. No expectations. Don't let him decide if he wants you in his life. It is your life and we make our own happiness. Took me forever to learn that one! Be kind to yourself, love yourself and find that inner stength. YOU will I promise come through this and go on to have happy times.
