It's an interesting perspective that I have indeed---I'm a girly, girl, like most of the women posting here and I identify with that point of view to a T, but many times I feel like I fit better with the "horny men's club". It IS a role reversal in a sense. I mean, do I take on the role of the stolen kisses and ML initiator in my M and have it light my H's fire, as DQ suggests to you men? For me, I would be thrilled to be the recipient of random ravishing, but H, although he likes it, doesn't give it a thought afterward. That wouldn't stir any lingering thoughts of sex for him...believe me, I've tried.
To answer some of your questions, 1) Yes, the intimacy problems started from the beginning for us, but like Silly, I married him anyway--LOL. 2) There have never been affairs on either side--emotional or otherwise. 3) Unless you count porn, which I do. H has always looked at porn, although I can't say he was obsessed with it. But when you are not getting sex in your marriage and you know H looks at porn, it feels like an affair. Especially since he has always been secretive about it.
H and I met 20 years ago and were so amazingly compatible, we felt like a married couple from the get-go. It was good like a warm blanket and comfort food, but we also quickly fell into "married sex"---in the typical sense, that is, and there was never much passion outside of the bedroom. We kissed good morning/good night, hello/goodbye, said ILY, but all that is social correctness in most families. I grew up in a family that didn't communicate much and certainly didn't show affection or kiss. So suddenly having that in my life was a pleasant change for me, but it certainly didn't pass for passion.
When we became engaged, I figured everything would work itself out after we were married and were all "legal", since he had expressed some guilt feelings over "living in sin". Go figure (I was the Baptist girl and he was the partying bachelor, after all). But....as everyone knows from hindsight, not much is improved by marriage that isn't working beforehand. In fact, we never experienced the "honeymoon phase" I so looked forward to. I always imagined that when I was married, my H would buy me lingerie and want to ML most every night. As it turned out, after the wedding we only ML on a once/month basis for some time. I was devastated. I desired at least 2-3X per week...that would have been heavenly.
Our SL hasn't always been that extreme, but it was sure a rocky start. H is a do-er and he immersed himself during the early years in household or garage projects and computers. Somehow time for us completely fell by the wayside, unless it was something I planned. Thankfully I had a baby daughter just after our 5th wedding anniversary. She relieved the "love gap" in my life, and her arrival actually reeled hubby's attentions back a little closer to home.
About that time, we entered a phase where life was good, we were reasonably happy and were ML on weekly basis. But after several years the sex began to taper off, as well as other forms of affection too. Mentally, I blamed it on his weight (he's probably 50# OW), I-porn viewing, and smoking.
Just as I was reaching my wits end over those issues, H was diagnosed with colon cancer. He was successfully treated but had to endure chemo/radiation/surgery to his nether region. What little sex drive he had before was certainly gone then. I put my needs on hold, waited patiently for him to heal and then to begin to care about restoring his sex drive. But once it was gone, he didn't seem to miss it much and showed no inclination to do anything about it.
Then about a year ago, which was two years after he finished up all C treatments, I pushed him to go see an internist to get a full check-up. It's funny, he went to Dr.'s regularly, but surgeons only care about the parts they cut on and oncologists only care about the cancer and its related symptoms. H is overweight, and I was concerned that he might have cardio/cholesterol/BP issues that were compromising his health and causing ED. Thankfully, none of those symptoms were serious enough to warrant Rx intervention, but he was told to lose weight (yeah, yeah...), eat healthier (yeah, yeah...) and (duh) sir, your testosterone levels are below normal so you should take these gel supplements.
H took the Androgel for about 6 months, but after they adjusted for the correct dosage to bring the blood level to normal, he then quit because it was a pricey co-pay and he didn't feel it was the "fountain of youth" he expected. He said it didn't boost his libido at all, but in my mind that was most likely a product of "use it or lose it".
I have been encouraging him to get back with the program, and to find a different Dr. if necessary. H wants to find a Dr. that will tell him his thyroid is low. Someone's pitch on talk radio has him convinced that he has many symptoms of low thyroid, and he hasn't found a physician yet that will consider that, since his thyroid tests are WELL within the normal range.
I think a sex therapist would do him the most good, although anyone he would see would insist that he address the hormonal/physical issues first. (He did stop smoking--BTW.) I haven't even addressed any emotional baggage here. I suspect his upbringing is closely akin to yours, B. He grew up in a small town where his maternal g-father was the Presbyterian minister. Although his mom was a partier, she was a socially correct "Ms. Manners". He's never mentioned hang ups about sex from his upbringing, but I also doubt he's been introspective enough to have given it a thought.
Anyway...that's probably enough info for now to start discussion. Thanks for reading this LONG-G-G missive!
