Love is Patient

[ba065]

It's been a weird few days. Saturday night...after H left for the 2nd time in a week...he asked me to come over to the townhouse to "talk" some more...he cooked us dinner and we discussed things. He came back over to our house and watched the Olympics with me..? for a couple hours. No more R talks...he needs to stay at the TH and figure things out. Fine.
Sunday morning he was supposed to come and paint...called and wanted to go out for breakfast as usual first...afterwards we came back here to paint...he came into the house after me...and when I turned around, he was holding a long stemmed rose....he loves me, wants to work on us...but need to figure things out in his head. He meant it when he said he wanted to come home the previous Thursday...he doesn't know why Friday he changed his mind. Can we take things slow...can he stay at the TH and sort things out in his head....ok...
We spent all of Sunday together...painted...went out to dinner, went for a bike ride together...watched the Olympics on TV....he kissed me alot..very loving...nice day! Weird... H told me he's really proud of me...that he admires the changes I have made...losing weight, getting in shape, biking...how strong I have become...being able to stand for what I believe in...h says he is lost...and he doesn't know how to find his way back...he has so much to figure out....

Monday he called a couple of times on the phone....had planned for him to come to dinner and to paint....he showed up almost an hour late...great mood...grabbed me and kissed me! ILY...I think this is going to work...trust me...(yeah whatever...I don't but ok) had dinner, went for a walk...didn't paint..nice evening. Before he leaves he goes online and books a marriage weekend retreat for us to attend in September. I was surprised...it seems he is making an effort to really work on us...He called after he got into bed (back at the TH)..ILY..sleep well...etc.

Tues am: He called at 6 to see if I was up...he didn't sleep well again...neither did I...he called again at 7am...on his way to work...do I want to meet for lunch? That's the first time he's asked me to lunch in a couple of months...ok..I'll meet him. Nice lunch out on a patio at a cafe...about an hour and half...he would see me tonight...ILY...

I came home from work. Took out the trash, washed my car..and my bike. Started laundry...took a shower....now it's 7:00...put a chicken pot pie in the oven....didn't answer his first phone call at 7:30....he called again at 8:00...answered...he was in a good mood...did I want to go out for dinner tonight...Nope.
cooking dinner....silence...asked me again...told him I had dinner in the oven already...he asked me what was wrong...I told him nothing...he was ticked off....I told him that since I hadn't heard anything sooner, I'd gone ahead and planned my evening....silence....(he'd been out for coffee with MOW)...He asked me to put my dinner in the fridge and go out with him...I was silent....(tough decision...part of me wants to say no...but part of me wants to say ok) I agreed...he got to the house about 8:30...dinner out...H very quiet...distracted...keeps looking at me to see how I am reacting...I acted like everything was fine...he wants to know why I'm so quiet...told him I was tired...rough day at work....Back at the house...he stays for about 15 minutes...then off to the TH....he'll call to say goodnight. Kisses me goodbye...ILY...etc.

We've talked about it before...if he's going to work on us...no MOW...I decided to keep quiet....didn't mention MOW...if he wants to come back home no MOW...I won't do this anymore.

If he comes over every damn day, he's not going to miss us...miss me...but if I'm supposed to be his friend like WCW says, how do I tell him he's not welcome to come to his own home when he wants to?

I see huge baby steps in the right direction....I'm trying not to have any expectations but still have hope for us....I'm trying to be still...to act as if...I'm trying to do 180s and GAL....I'm just completely confused.

I've started a journal to keep track of my feelings and the day to day happenings. The hot/cold....back/forth... is completely confusing and frustrating. I can't even keep track from one day to the next!

AGHHHHHHH!

BA