Letting God Take Control Part 16

[plentyhope]

glam,

I am glad I am able to help in some small way.

BTW, have you read "Love & Respect" by Emerson Eggerichs - awesome book. Also, a good book is "The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands" by Laura Schlessinger.

[glamgirl]

PH I need to go back and read that book again Love and Respect. It has some great ideas, it just seemed when I applied them h just did't respond, but that was months and months ago. I think he was really still stuck back then.

I just checked my e-mail and h sent me an e-mail last night after he left about a job he was applying for. I gave him lots of encouragement and suppot in a return e-mail and a bit of humour.

He has also asked me to clean my closet which when he asks me things they are important to him. It would be the last thing on my list that I would pick to do, but I am going to make a sincere effort.

I really hate cleaning!

[plentyhope]

glam,
Good for you about the response email. I hope someday I have the privilege to give support to my H.

Guess what, Monday's FlyLady Olympic Events were to de-clutter the closet. You H must have read FlyLady's emails!!! Just kidding.

[Dawn of Hope]

I am very headstrong and don't mean to offend my h, but I have a tendancy to just blurt out things. Not in my best interest.

I am going to just keep praying that God show me a different way to connect.

This is good. Thanks! Funny my s19 also said I need to try to communicate differently.

Glam,
Sometimes it helps to train yourself to use a default phrase when you're tempted to say something you know you shouldn't. One thing I've found helpful in the case of H complaining about something that I don't have a lot of control over is, "I have complete confidence that you will find a good solution to that." Or words to that effect. Shows respect in a supportive way, not wimpy or moody, but puts the responsibility back on his shoulders, where it belongs. If it's something I have control over, obviously that's different, but otherwise I assume that if he wants my advice/opinion, he will ask.

My H (like many men, and some women) hates being given advice he hasn't requested. He used to (when we were still going places together) ask me at times what the best route to somewhere was, because I am more familiar with most of the roads in our area since I travel around to see clients a lot. I never offered my thoughts on the route otherwise because it just irritated him, so I learned to keep my opinions to myself unless invited.

Hope that helps a little!

Peace,
Dawn

[happynow]

PH,

Thank you for checking in on me. I think I'm doing some better. I found the tape recorder that I used when I would tape different convo's with my H. I didn't listen to all of them, some I wouldn't have been able to listen to b/c he was telling me how bad he thought I was & the breakup of our M was all my fault. None of what he said was cause to D, but that is in the past now. At the time it didn't make sense to me until I found out about OW. Anyway I listened to one where he was so hateful talking to me, that sort of made me mad! There was no reason for that. He was just mad b/c I wasn't rushing to the lawyer's office, he thought I was dragging my feet on all of this. Well, he had only told me 2 weeks before!

Oh, don't get me wrong, I still miss him, I can't imagine me never seeing him again. I really felt like we were meant to be together & still do. But, I am trying to work on me! I promise.

Thank you so much for thinking & praying for me! It is one of the hardest things I've ever been thru.

I didn't mean to take up so much of your thread.

I hope you are doing well!! You give such good advice on here! I love reading your posts.

(((HUGS)))

[plentyhope]

nlt,

Why torture yourself by listening to the tapes???

Thanks for your kind words. I really do want you to get better, and get your R with God on track. this will be the key to your healing.

And be warned, I can be pretty "tough" when giving advice. My advice may not always be what you want to hear. Just always remember that it is given out of concern and care.

[happynow]

Just always remember that it is given out of concern and care.

I know it is!! And I thank you. I don't know why I listened to it. It was under some papers & I just happened to find it. It is a digital & I know the last one on there is where he cussed me out so I wouldn't listen to it. I just wanted to hear his voice so I listened to the beginning & you know I think hearing how hateful he was really helped me tonight. He thought he was being so smart!! I knew at the time about OW but didn't say anything to him & he was just talking so big like he is really going to take me to court if I didn't do what he wanted. He made threats, that made me mad! I told him on the tape to do what he had to do. Well, he didn't get what he wanted.

I have been praying more, this morning at 5am (I know I posted this somewhere but not sure where) anyway I'll post again, I couldn't sleep & had a melt down. Got the Bible & opened it to Ps. 66:20 "Blessed be God, which hath not turned away my prayer, nor his mercy from me." That made me feel better.

Thank you for your concern & prayers!!!

(((HUGS)))

[glamgirl]

Dawn thank you so much. I have been enlightened. I love that complete confidence line. I am going to use that. My h would say over and over did I ask for your help or advice. I just seem to give it without thinking.

I so need to learn. Thank you all so much. I am so going to try these new tactics. Wow I sound like it's war.

Good advice!

[MidwesternGirl]

glam:

been thinking about you. sounds like things are going well for you.

[Dawn of Hope]

Dawn thank you so much. I have been enlightened. I love that complete confidence line. I am going to use that. My h would say over and over did I ask for your help or advice. I just seem to give it without thinking.

I so need to learn. Thank you all so much. I am so going to try these new tactics. Wow I sound like it's war.

Good advice!

Glam,
You are very welcome! It is my observation that women are more willing to accept, or at least consider, unsolicited advice than are men. This is not intended to be a slam on men...just my observation, although it is true that there is some "official" support for that view.

Men, according to what I read, feel disparaged by unsolicited advice because they interpret it as--the advisor doesn't think the advisee is smart enough (or insightful enough, or whatever) to figure things out on his own. That's why they get mad when a woman makes suggestions, the way women do to each other every day with no offense being taken--a man will believe she is thinly disguising the "fact" that she doesn't think he's very capable. Hey, if that were my interpretation of something that was said to me, I'd get mad too!

If you have been in the habit of blurting out whatever opinion/advice enters your head, curbing your tongue is going to take some concentrated effort and practice, but eventually you will learn to think before you speak. You have been at this at least two years, so hopefully this will just be another thing to work on controlling in yourself around your H.

Oh, another thing I should mention--using the "complete confidence" line tends to shut down the complaints (on that topic, anyway) instantaneously, although they may well recur at some later date. If you are getting information you find useful from whatever H is saying, you would probably want to just listen and validate until it starts getting repetitive or somehow beyond what you want to listen to, and then use the "complete confidence" line.

I don't claim that this is a perfect solution, but I hope it helps!

Peace,
Dawn

P.S. PH, sorry for the thread-jack!