Looks like you are getting some 2x4's of love....hang in there and re-read the WAW stuff from Sandi and SC a couple times, then read Bill and FG's stuff to absorb it in man language.......SG....well I am not sure what language she is using but it has my head spinning....lol.
You haven't done all bad, you have actually done petty good, just time to re-evaluate what you are doing and if it is getting closer to your goal
TwinDad Me 39, W 36, M 11 W - MLC, WAW???? 2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old Start of the Long and Bumpy Road..... On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning
Neil, I'll cruise back through & find the Atta boys ! They'll be here for you in the morning.
You know we want the best for you right ? Kind of like making you eat broccoli.
Hugs
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
I'll tell you what you've done right. YOU'RE IN THE ARENA. You're fighting for your marriage, and for your family. You're introspective, and try to improve when you fail, and you get right back in there.
I don't know your sitch well enough to give you specifics, but it's evident just from the few days I've followed you that you're a man of character and sincerity.
Quote:
“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better.
The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; because there is not effort without error and shortcomings; but who does actually strive to do the deed;
Who knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, who spends himself in a worthy cause, who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement and who at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly.
So that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.”
.5 Learning to trust in God 1. went on a walk to clear your head 2. You're here on DB site 3. You're working on making You better 4. your actions are different 5. your communication is better with everyone 6. recognize you are putting too much pressure on yourself 7. journaling (gets your thoughts out so they stop spinning) 8. you were being nice (about the coffee) 9. deciding to man up (we'll skip over the nuts thing, 10. Decision to be a better Neil
Hugs, you are doing awesome, (just be a little bit female, & tell us when you're ready for 2x4's, & when you need some lovin' )
We can do both, we just can't read minds. Hm, where have I heard that before ???
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
"I'll tell you what you've done right. YOU'RE IN THE ARENA. You're fighting for your marriage, and for your family. You're introspective, and try to improve when you fail, and you get right back in there."
TCB.. talk..
".5 Learning to trust in God 1. went on a walk to clear your head 2. You're here on DB site 3. You're working on making You better 4. your actions are different 5. your communication is better with everyone 6. recognize you are putting too much pressure on yourself 7. journaling (gets your thoughts out so they stop spinning) 8. you were being nice (about the coffee) 9. deciding to man up (we'll skip over the nuts thing, ;\) 10. Decision to be a better Neil "
I reserve the right to define TCB.. at a later date.
They both said the same thing.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
((Neil)) you know I love ya! You are a strong person or you would not still be sticking around here trying to fight for what you want and for what you know is right. Forrest used to talk to me in another language....some kind of "male" stuff that I did not understand (lol)....like I was the one here and he was calling me out and I had his vote. I thought, "What the heck is he talking about?" (lol) Well, that is kind of what we have done here to you. We can't talk to your wife b/c she isn't here.....(I sure wish I could talk to her, but anyway......) you are the one here, sweetie, so of course you get the good, the bad, and the ugly. I won't say who's who in this yearbook.
Quote:
Quote:
Originally Posted By: sandi2 She is not going to want you until she thinks she can't have you.
i have no clue how to do this. honestly. without starting to go out with someone else......which i don't want to do. ya know? any insight...outside of detaching, of course...
No, please don't even consider dating anyone at this point! You will rebound b/c of your fragile condition. Anyone would....male or female. I think that is what an EA while still married is all about......a rebound from an unhappy MR.
Detaching is going on with getting a life of your own. Becoming the best man you can be and keeping your focus on other things other than your wife. It is as though she is not here any longer.....to sound a bit morbid. I just don't know how to try to paint a picture other than to put it like that. Outside of dating......what would you do if she was not here any longer? The thing is.....she is still here and it is so hard to see her and still have that connection with her (for life) where your children are concerned. You will always have "events" in life that will bring you two together......even if there is a D in the end. The children will graduate, get married, have babies.....there will always be something. I have seen this with my own DIL's situation with her parents. So, you've got to learn to be happy in your own skin and know you are going to be okay with or without your W in your life from now on. We are hope and pray that it will be with your wife, but you must act as if you are going on and making a life for yourself instead of "wasting time" focusing on her. Then, whether you realize it or not, she will sense that you have "dropped the rope" and are no longer focusing on her nor trying to "win her back" or be all sweet and nice to her......but yet you aren't being cold or uncaring either. She notices that you have become "detached" and you have truly emotionally set her free. Will she enjoy that as well as she thought she would? Only she can discover that for herself. She needs to do that all on her on so that she will be sure of what she needs to do next. But now, she will have the space and time to really think about what she wants......now that you aren't there "bugging" her all the time. Does she really want to let you go? Is this what she truly wants? Will she make a terrible mistake if she gives up you and takes a risk with another man?
I can imagine how terrifing this must be for a LBS. But she needs to be able to do this alone. You are thinking about other outside influences........well, they may have the same affect on her as you were having.....ever thought of it that way? It is a risk you must take. When she chooses to take the right path and get her family back together, the fight is not over, just a different stage called "Piecing" -- and it is not easy, but sweetie, that is when you can start to use those LL, okay? Not while you are detaching. When you get to the Piecing stage....you will need to be encouraged and maybe walked through it day by day for a while. There will still be "work to do". But, I suppose I'm getting ahead of things. I only show my PMA here by saying this.
Detaching is mostly emotional. Detach from the focus on her and constantly thinking about her and what you could do to improve the stitch. BTW, have you read my "list"? You've probably seen it on another thread somewhere. I stole it from somebody (can't remember who) but of course I had to add a few of my own words.
Go find the making her happy site and you will understand what FG is talking about better. Probably just need to get a good night's sleep and let your head rest.
((Take care))
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Hm, where have I heard that before ???