JUST USED LRT-WHAT DO I DO NOW???

[Sanderika]

The NASCAR race was something my friend and I did together with our sons aged 12. We loved it more than the boys did, we were surprised by that.

I have always enjoyed motor sports.

I grew up boating with my family. My H and I had a boat for a while.

I love motorcycling as a rider not a driver. Last summer I did obtain my MC drivers permit. My H and I toyed with the idea that I would drive BUT is fizzled out in H eyes. SO...I have never used that. I can reapply for a 2nd year on the same permit but will have to do it this month or it will expire.

I actually drive a dirt bike with my S12. He has his own and I can drive Hs bike. It's a lot of fun, we have a lot of land so we don't have to leave our property.

I do like to go out dancing...drinking is not really my thing. I can socialize but I prefer alcohol in small doses. My system can't really handle it. I end up totally conjested when I even have two glasses of wine or hard stuff, I believe it is some sort of allergic reaction. I would not be able to keep up with most crowds in this dept. I also do not have a big stamina for staying out late. Midnight is fine with me and later than that I never feel very good the next day. My H has a huge tolerance for staying out until the wee hours (even towards dawn works for him) and as most typical men, can hold way more liquor than me. My H is a truck driver and I hate to say it but he can handle any day of the week on 3-4 hours of sleep. He has groomed himself for it over the past 25 years.

My best friend told me I need to be really flirty with H. Not over the top and immature, but flirty in a way that H feels I am all about him.

Most activities I like are day trips out sightseeing, perfect for a motorcycle. I like to try local restaurants and stay away from the chain restaurants, just like H.

I can't really think of something that my H does that is easy for a female. Most motor sport activities are instigated by the men in our lives.

My H and I have a very large collection of restored and unrestored antique vehicles of all sorts. That was a huge common interest for us both. We would enjoy that activity perhaps more than most others we did together. BUT as of March we have not really participated in that together. The vehicles sit on our barns untouched, never driven...for 3 years now because H can't do things with us because of the OW. We used to take them to shows and take one out for a short drive to a local ice cream stand or to a parade or to a local human interest event like a fair, etc... We all had so much fun restoring them and using them, people love to see old vehicles out and about. We have some very unique ones and they would always draw a crowd.

OH, I don't know how I can do anything except hang out with my friends at a local bar like I did last Saturday, I know it will get back to H that I did that.

He is taking a hard core approach to me now...I can't believe it.

Does anything I do now even matter to him???

Sanderika

[brandnewday]

Just checking in on you....

Hows things going?

((((((hugs))))))

[Sanderika]

Thank you brandnewday....

I am OK. 2nd week without any money from H. Haven't talked to him either. Lawyer said to give is a month total and she will send him a letter. (It has to look like his intent and not me just jumping to conclusions)

Iam trying to GAL like crazy. Spent last week doing all sorts of stuff. I have my S12 back home now so I am not so lonely.

I am kind of out of sorts, have spent a lot of time thinking. I don't want to have to get mean. Am trying to come to grips with this whole mess now that it has gotten a whole lot worse.

I am trying to think about other things.

I am not any less scared or anxious.

Thank you for asking, I really appreciate the support.

Sanderika

[BarbieDoll]

Hi Sanderika!

I've been wondering about you. I am home today - will be here for a week.

The best thing you can do right now is follow your L's advice. I think she has a very good point. Do you have enough to get by? Your H is showing his true colours now and trying to get you angry at him. The best way to handle this is to do nothing. Do not fall into it. Do not fight with him. You need to step back and let him prove himself a jerk. This will help you in court if it goes there. Good for you for working on GAL. Spending time with your son is wonderful for both of you. You might want to get out with a girlfriend or 2 when you can as well. Getting your son ready for school will help as well.

Try not to be too anxious. Try to think of what the worse case scenario for you is. Sometimes if you know that and know you can handle it will make the reality seem that much better. You WILL be ok no matter what happens. I know it. I've seen so many people go through this and when they get past the horror of it all they know that life will go on. Sometimes they just have to take a different road. But its not always a bad road.

Glad you posted and you're doing ok,

Barb

[Sanderika]

Thanks so much Barb,

I will not show anger to H. Does he want me to file? Is that why he is trying to make me angry? Or just to be able to say I told you so (you haven't changed).
I am putting the word out that I am looking for bookkeeping work. I know a lot of self-employeds, maybe by word of mouth I can pick up some more work. If not I will be looking for a job in 2 weeks, as soon as S goes back to school.
I haven't had to look for a job since I was 15. I have been self-employed since I was 19. This is not fun. I have to tell you, at 45...I never would have guessed I would be where I am...OMG.
I have saved some since March when H kicked me out of our company. I can get by for a short while. I am already starting to penny pinch. I cancelled my IC appts., I can use the $50 per month for better things right now. This makes me so sad. I should not be having to think this way at this point in my life. I have worked so hard in my lifetime.
I wish I could figure out a way to fix things....

Thank you for checking in on me, I really appreciate the friendship.

Sanderika

[job]

S,
Barb and the other posters have all given you excellent advice. Listen to what they are saying because they've traveled the road you are on.

It's sad to say this, but you can't fix this situation. That's one of the very hard lessons that we learn on this self awareness journey that we are on....this is something we can't fix this time around. The only thing we can do is fix and/or take care of ourselves. We all needed to learn to just leave the spouses out there to find themselves and pray that they will wake up on day as whole, mature adults.

If your h is like a large majority of them, he's lashing out at you and yes, he's angry w/himself and he wants you to be angry w/him and hoping to push you hard enough that you'll file. They don't want to do the work to file for a divorce because they can go around and say "see, she filed." They want to be seen as the kind and loving person that everyone thinks they are, but the mirror image comes out only to us and those closest to him.

Take care of yourself, find things to keep yourself busy and if you are looking for a job, get your resume in order and start sending it out. Keep the focus on you and your family. Leave your h out there to swing in the wind.

[Sanderika]

Thank you snodderly,

I will follow all of the advice here.

I am afraid though what will happen when my L sends my H a letter demanding reinstatement of my salary-retroactive to the date he stopped. She is going to offer him a choice to pay me to stay away or to pay me to come back to the office. She is consulting with a corporate labor attorney as to the consequences that will be stated in the letter if H doesn't do either one. This is really scary to me.

I am trying desperately to think of this as a business arrangement and not a marriage anymore. I still love him to pieces but what he is doing is not healthy for the marriage, myself or my S12. I will probably inform him in advance of the letter that it is coming so he can have the opportunity to say his thoughts to me. I will never show him anger again. If he blows up I will just sit quietly.

I will hold fast on not filing. Not Filing may not be an option for me once the letter goes out. What do you think??

I am going ahead with some work on my house, they start today. I am quite sad about it though. I haven't had someone to bounce ideas off of and discuss all the ins and outs of it all. I am having windows and siding replaced. H was all for it back in the spring before he kicked me out of the company. Who knows what he will think now. Maybe he was all for it because he thinks he is going to get the house. He won't have to worry about it down the road. I am feeling very b***hy today. Contractors didn't show up until 8:47am. Not impressed.

I haven't posted much because I am out of sorts. I am nervous, sad and deep in thought trying to cope with this.

Thank you for your friendship and advice.

Sanderika

[Sanderika]

Hi all...
I have one new window so far.

I like my Choice!!!

I went with a completely different look in windows than what I had before. I am very happy with the new look!!!! I am excited about this. And I feel I have done good all by myself!!!

Thought I would share....

Sanderika

[BarbieDoll]

Hi Sanderika:

That is wonderful! It gives you a new look on life -no?

I did a lot of remodelling at my cottage this summer and every time I look at my handiwork - it makes my heart swell.

I was glad to read a happy post from you this morning. Ride that wave!

Barb

[Sanderika]

Hi all....

Well it's been very interesting around here...I really need to share this with you.

On Wed. (9/3...My Birthday) The Postal Delivery Person left me a note that I had a Registered/Certified package to pick up. It was address to me in my FULL name and was from my H (supposedly).

You guessed right....It was divorce papers!!!

Before I went to get them I called my H and asked him if that was what was in the envelope. His exact reply was...."DON'T GO GET THOSE". I asked him "Why"....He said "DON"T GO GET THOSE YET, WE WILL TALK LATER"

He called me at 8:30pm. I asked him "Why don't you want me to get them" He said he didn't send them. I asked who did. He said OW went to his office that morning after he had left for a job and finished filling out the papers he had started 3 years ago and mailed them behind his back and then called him and told him what she had done. He claims she had been threatening to do it for months since he wasn't doing it.

He said he wasn't sure it's what he wanted so he and I decided that I would not sign and accept them. After 3 attempts to get me to pick them up the post office will return them to the sender.

I asked him if he knew what the day was. He said no, and when I told him it was my birthday and that it is my opinion that the OW had planned it so that I would get them on my birthday. I told him that I think she is cruel and a mean-spirited, vicious, controlling b***h,.....He then said I don't disagree with you at all. I told him this was none of her business the goings on between him and I and that she didn't know her place, it is not her choice and control when this happens if it ever does. And furthermore I want her out of my life.

He admitted it is not something he is ready for and that if he had done it it would not have been that way. He said he would have done it in person and had a long talk with me about it first. He has gone on a road trip and said he will be in touch with me to talk.

It was a very bad day....I have not been able to eat or sleep much since.... I guess the day is coming. She is obviously very serious now and she won't put up with a delay. I wonder how he will handle it all. Remember too, it is her Best Friend in the office and she will get a report daily if a signed receipt card comes back or not to my H.

I told my H on the phone the other night that it is not what I want and that I still want him home and that our S12 wants the same. I told him I did not feel a D was right for us. I told him I thought it would be a shame if we D'd based on our feelings for each other. I also added though that I would not contact him and if he wanted to speak to me or see me/us he would have to approach me/us.

I wonder what will happen next....I have not heard from H since Wed. night. We actually talked 3 separate times after 8:30pm.

I really hate this turmoil. If he goes along with her actions, I don't think I will have a choice but to conform (eventually). It will certainly make me think differently about these two people and I don't believe I will have any respect for either one of them... It will be apparent that my H wants to be controlled by this B***H!!! Lately I have been telling people I know that "they make horrible people together". It will cement my actions that she WILL NOT HAVE any contact with my S12.

I have to go for now...something just came up I need to go do...I will write later.

Thank you for listening,

Sanderika