i already was going to back off and do my thing. She spoke to me loud and clear about that. I actually noticed last week how i was pressuring her...and i decided then to back off. I did call her "babe" by mistake yesterday....and said sorry. She responded by saying that's ok i know you didn't mean it. i said, yeah true, but you are a babe......
i guess i interpreted detaching is doing what i want to do.
Originally Posted By: sandi2
But instead, he blew up at me and told me that he would never give me a divorce!
i did say this to her sandi...back in april in the midst of a huge blow up where she said i was controlling and someone who controls is like someone who physically abuses their spouse. wasn't good. but that was 4 months ago.
SG.....LOL....that made me laugh. I have to look back and see what's working for me.....
i think it's just being Neil...with added attachments that make me better.
FG said something to me....waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay at the start of me posting here...."be the alpha male, but don't act like the alpha male".....i think that applies here.
Originally Posted By: sandi2
She is not going to want you until she thinks she can't have you.
i have no clue how to do this. honestly. without starting to go out with someone else......which i don't want to do. ya know? any insight...outside of detaching, of course...
ME:32 WAW:31 D #1: 3.5 D #2: 2 Together: 13 M:6 Bomb Dropped: 2/15/08 Sep legally: 6/18/08
"Tommorrow there'll be sunshine, and all this darkness past..." -Bruce Springsteen Land of Hope and Dreams
Yep. He calls it "mirroring". it's the same concept. i was so dependent on her for my feelings/emotions/life that it was unhealthy. I looked to her to mirror everything for me.....it's complicated, but yeah we have
it went both ways too. she was super dependent on me for stuff to. esp. at the beginning of our R. she just detached sooner than i did.
Neil, H & I just talked about this the other night. He was dependent on me for everything. I needed his approval to feel like I mattered, like I had worth.
The whole "You Complete Me" line is the biggest bunch of crap ever. No one can complete us. Because if they do, then anytime they move away, die, leave or don't want us, then we are "incomplete". But it's so romantic in songs & movies that people want to think that's true love. It's not. It's unhealthy bullshit.
Healthy is me being okay when H is out of town, busy with work, or just watching TV in the other room. Healthy is me being okay doing school, playing the piano, taking a bath, doing what I want. Healthy is knowing that no matter what H decides tomorrow, next week, next month, next year...I'll be just fine. I may not like it. I may wish it was different. But I'll be fine.
Write up some 3x5 cards with healthy positive affirmations on them. Put one a week on your steering wheel or in your car where you see it constantly.
Suggestions;
I will be okay no matter what happens in my M
I will take care of me, I don't NEED anyone to take care of me
It is nice to be able to depend on someone, it sucks to be dependent on someone
I like myself just the way I am !
I'm good enough just because I was born !
I will get healthy
Hugs
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
"i have no clue how to do this. honestly. without starting to go out with someone else......which i don't want to do. ya know? any insight...outside of detaching, of course..."
See... your scope is too narrow. Emotion is driving the car.. even in what you thought was a good answer.
What is a "Alpha Male"?
If you digest the words.. it is..
First Man.
or
One Man.
or
Top Man.
"Alpha" is one of those words.. that can mean a lot of things.
When you step back and look at the word.. it means the "Best".
He has the most women.
He has the most attraction.
He seems to know it all.
He seems the most handsome.
Quite simply.. he can stand on his own.
He wants something to come to him.
and he knows how to do draw it close.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
ok. i'm taking a time out for the rest of the evening. phelps races in like half an hour. i'm going to finish my ice cream, read some more harry potter....and watch that. then go to bed.
cripes.
overload.
tilt.
i'm going to be ok. regardless. i know that. i just have ot believe it.
ME:32 WAW:31 D #1: 3.5 D #2: 2 Together: 13 M:6 Bomb Dropped: 2/15/08 Sep legally: 6/18/08
"Tommorrow there'll be sunshine, and all this darkness past..." -Bruce Springsteen Land of Hope and Dreams
Are you up for a few 2x4's ? loving ones ? ones that are intended to help you through the same land mine I walked through a year ago. Step where I've stepped.
<<not to defend myself, but i'm going to anyways...
You don't have to defend yourself. To us or her.
<<i already was going to back off and do my thing. She spoke to me loud and clear about that.
You were going to back off because she spoke to you about it ??? What about what you want ?? Where are YOU in this ? I can't find YOU.
<<I actually noticed last week how i was pressuring her...and i decided then to back off.
Did she tell you or did you assume ? FG told me once that my wrong assumptions were part of the reason that I was here.
<<<I did call her "babe" by mistake yesterday....and said sorry. She responded by saying that's ok i know you didn't mean it. i said, yeah true, but you are a babe......
She told you what YOU meant, & you caved, & then agreed with her. You meant it, you just slipped. A play on words, maybe, but that's how therapy works.
<<i guess i interpreted detaching is doing what i want to do.
Detaching is defined as removing an association or union with something. Detaching is when your mind is not obsessed with your sitch. De-taching is when you realize you're just living your life, instead of wondering how you're going to live your life.
Originally Posted By: sandi2
She is not going to want you until she thinks she can't have you.
<<<i have no clue how to do this. honestly. without starting to go out with someone else......which i don't want to do. ya know? any insight...outside of detaching, of course...
Pretend you are dating someone else, that you have agreed to be monogamous with & that you care very much about. When W is around, think about this "pretend" woman, don't do anything with W that you wouldn't do in front of "pretend" woman. Make sense ? Act AS IF !
hugs hugs hugs (extra hugs to make up for the 2x4's)
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
