Blog #2

[Cinco]

DQ - Forget about being jealous of the itsy-bitsy bikini and high heals... It's so damn hot down here right now, you can't go outside for more than 2 minutes without heat exhaustion... I envy your weather.

I never said I wasn't in denial about my situation... I know I am. After this latest failure I'm just looking for the right time to sit down and tell her like it is. It's the only thing that worked before and this is our last chance.

~5

[Delil@h]

Ali - I hope you are doing ok. I am actually confused about what is going on with you right now? Maybe I missed a post. Did your H do something mean recently?

I am ok but I am feeling out of sorts to be honest.
I dunno if you read the post where I gave my H oral and he said basically it was sympathy oral cause I ahve my period. And that i purely did it for him not for any pleasure of my own. I even said when I was done.
I am so horny right now.
WTF?

He had that falling otu with his Family/FOO. and now he is acting like chicken little.
I feel fed up at this point. I mean I am good DQ~ and where does it get me? I even ... well cant say what I do at the end of oral. It is G~ rated here. I cant even get one [censored] gold star ever.Ans hey I dont need them but if he would like the gift and accept it that would be [censored] great.
He is frustrating me to the point I am ready to say if I am so unworthty of you lets call it a day shall we?
I feel nuts DQ~ plain nuts.

Glad you are having a nice time hun.... enjoy it.
~Ali

[Shelby]

Dance Queen, I don't have much of an update yet. I have been to 3 Different stores, Walmart, Target and a local dept. store and none of them have any massagers in. 2 Of the stores have told me they only carry those items as seasonal items, around Christmas.
So it looks like I am going to have to order one from the Internet.
I have been practicing with the ones I already have. But I really think I need the ones like you were describing.
I will keep you updated.

Shelby

[Bagheera]

Greetings DQ,

I'm so far behind in your very active blogs, that I actually have three items that I would like to respond to. I'll do this in a few posts, to avoid the one really looooooong one. First topic:

Her O is the Goal! -- a Man's View of Mutually Satisfying Sex

John Gray, in Mars and Venus in the Bedroom talks about how in his seminars, he'll ask the men in the audience what gives them the most pleasure during sex: the overwhelming answer is: HER pleasure, i.e. pleasuring their partner gives them more pleasure than pleasuring themselves. The women in the audience are often perplexed by this response. If he's so interested in my pleasure, why does he proceed to intercourse so quickly? why doesn't he stimulate me properly? why doesn't he romance me, seduce me, and connect with me before hand? The answer, of course, is that most men have only their own frame of reference with regard to sex and what gives them pleasure, and as we've discussed many times on this board, men and women are frequently guilty of projecting their own viewpoint and desires onto their partners, not understanding the often profound differences between the sexes, and then being entirely perplexed and frustrated when this approach doesn't work.

The luckier guys find partners who know their own bodies well enough to know how they want to be pleasured, and who are willing to teach their man how to go about it. This, unfortunately, is the minority case. Most guys end up with a woman who either (a) doesn't know her own body sexually, (b) is too embarrassed or timid to teach their man, even if they do know what works for them, or (c) who have the romantic notion that the man should just know how to please her naturally -- they shouldn't have to teach him. And yes, there are those Neanderthals out there who don't care or would refuse to be taught by their woman --> I'm excluding those apes from the conversation because they wouldn't be here on these boards anyway.

In general, unless a man deliberately sets out to educate himself, via a few good books or websites (not pornography) he isn't going to know how to pleasure his woman -- although he truly wants to. And even those who do attempt to educate themselves will often place a male 'spin' on what they are reading, as follows:

* From his perspective, orgasm is the desired and logical goal of a sexual encounter -- for a man, prolonged arousal without orgasm can be quite frustrating and even physically painful. Therefore, it's easy to assume that his woman works the same way. He assumes that arousal, without bringing his woman to orgasm, must be very frustrating and unsatisfying for her. He (generally) needs an O to be fully satisfied, therefore she must also.

* Men tend to be goal and action oriented, so that to set a 'goal' during sex and then to gauge your performance in how well you are achieving that goal is very natural thing for a man to do --> it's hard NOT to pre-plan the act, monitor your performance during the act (a bad habit called 'spectatoring'), and then to critique how well you did afterwards. We're brought up to be this way in nearly everything that we do, some of us more so than others.

The result is often a man who has some idea of what to do to please his partner, but a male-oriented view towards achieving it, and a woman who still either doesn't know her own body well enough to direct his enthusiasm or who is still too timid to talk about it. The result is a woman who now feels PRESSURE to orgasm, and a man who feels like a FAILURE when he isn't able to bring her to the heights of pleasure that he longs for her.

Men also have a hard time understanding this problem of feeling 'pressured to orgasm' because, again, men and women are very different in this regard.

Men's arousal and orgasm generally occur so easily that a satisfying sexual encounter often requires the man to actively dominate or control his own arousal level to keep it within the plateau region and only allowing it to 'crest' over into an O when he is ready for it to. The "pressure" on a man is thus one of reining in and controlling his arousal.

From what I now understand, in order for a woman to successfully reach orgasm, she must generally be able to relax, 'let go,' and submit to the process of arousal --> quite the opposite of what the man experiences. It isn't something that can be willed or forced, and attempting to do so makes it harder to achieve. If she feels "pressure" to orgasm (or else he's going to be disappointed or feel like a failure), then the chances of it happening are all the more diminished.

I'm still in the process of working through this dilemma with my own wife, so I have no magic bullet to fix this problem. What I'm finding out is, that in order to get what I want -- a satisfying sexual encounter for the both of you -- the best approach for myself (as the man) is an indirect one. I'm learning to focus more on my own pleasure, and less on hers, bouncing back and forth between taking and giving as the encounter proceeds. I don't focus on bringing her to orgasm, but instead go slow enough to build her arousal while taking from her enough to build and maintain my own. I'll then provide her with 'opportunities' to move toward her own orgasm if she desires -- and if not, I'll shift back to myself. In a real sense, I'm learning to play around with a delicate "feedback loop" during our sexual encounters; in that MY arousal level is fueled by her responses and arousal, while HER arousal level is fueled by my passion and arousal level.

There's a lesson here, that the books often miss. That is, it's far to easy to focus on the physical aspect of sexual stimulation and arousal (assume position A and stimulate spot B with body part C), such that we forget the important mental component to sexual arousal. My wife is aroused not just by how I physically stimulate her, but also by my own arousal level and how much passion I show for her during the encounter. The more ruthless passion I show (sometimes forcefully) the faster and higher her arousal often builds -- such that when I shift to a more sexually selfish stance during the encounter, I'm still serving both of us. In similar fashion, the more my wife is able to respond to my ministrations and display her arousal level, the more turned on I become -- that is, the more sexually selfish she becomes in taking her pleasure from me, the more it serves both of us. If this sounds like a dance, it is. And we still often falter: I frequently step on her toes and she frequently misses a lead, and we wind up in a not-so-graceful lurch, BUT we're at least dancing now.

And if you see another "Nice Guy" lesson here too, you're right. The Nice Guy during sex wants to please his partner and bring her to orgasm so much that she feels pressured, isn't turned on, and he fails. By being the MAN in bed, by being more sexually ruthless -- but STILL utilizing your knowledge of female anatomy and stimulation -- you will achieve much better results.

Take care,

Bagheera

[SillyOldBear]

DQ, I was very proud of myself this week. On Friday, I turned down sex. I was a little surprised at myself, to be honest. I was on call with my volunteer EMS service, and the idea of that pager going off at the worst possible moment was too much.

I took my lovely wife out to the theater on Saturday to see one of her favorite shows. I tried to make it a surprise, but my son just couldn't stand to be quiet, so he made up an elaborate story that made it pretty clear what was going on. We had lots of fun, though. She was far too exhausted for any private fun time when we got home that night, but this morning was fun.

[DanceQueen]

Hello Bagheera and Silly! And everyone else!

I am back to work now after a week off....still very busy catching up with the work load but I will be back with regular posting soon.

Baggy, thank you for your insights, as always they are invaluable.

Silly, hey, I bet you never thought you'd see the day that you turned down sex??? Good for you! I actually think that is an important part of the sexual dynamic...but I'll elaborate more on that later.

I had a divine vacation and feel really great now. Will be back with more later...if anyone else has anything to update/share, please do so!

DQ

[goldeylox]

DQ, I'm actually visiting from the Newcomers side, and find this thread fascinating! Hilarious even. I've pictured a mad rush on Targets and Wal-Marts nation wide following your endorsement of the massage unit. lol No wonder Shelby's having trouble finding one!
Me, well, I sleep on the couch a lot. Still working hard on detaching, increasing PMA, and being happy with myself. Peace.

[DanceQueen]

Hey Goldy - yeah, I was cracking up about that run on Wal-Mart's across America too!

I do have another quick topic to put up here on my blog....

THE DEAL WITH PULLING HER HAIR

OK I wanted to just give you guys the gist of why getting your hair pulled feels good to some women.

First off, it is not actually pulling it. What you do is get your hand right next to the scalp and then close your fingers. Try this on yourself first. You should feel firm pulling all across the scalp, not just bits of hair. Individuals hairs and small chunks of hair being pulled hurts. But a handful of hair from right next to the scalp does not hurt.

Once you have ahold of the hair like that, you should be able to turn her head back and forth easily, without pulling the hair away from her head. Again, try on yourself first.

So....as a woman, I will try to explain what happens when my man does this.

First thing that happens is my body gets tense. As an animal, we instinctively don't want our "fur" pulled at (as we would know in the wild that this means something is trying to capture or eat us). So we may startle or try to pull away at first. But then...something magical happens. As soon as you realize you cannot pull away, your body stays tense but then goes still. You become sort of mini-paralyzed. Your body knows not to try to get away or it will hurt more, so your body just kind of goes into a "wait until you are released, then run" mode. You are in a heightened state of physical awareness at this point, it is just inevitable.

While you are in this mini-paralyzed state, you become hyper-aware of the rest of your body and your other senses. I beleive this is because, again, the body is preparing itself for possibly being attacked. So you become very very aware of every breath you take, every move you make, and how your skin is being touched. You basically have no choice but to surrender. It is a way of forced relaxation, too. You are tense and hyper-aware, but you are mini-paralyzed....which causes a curious sexual sensation as well.

So...I just thought I would try to describe this feeling because I have mentioned grabbing some hair to a few of the guys and sometimes I think guys think I am meaning to pull hair from the roots, but that's not it at all.

I do realize that many of you would love to grab your woman's hair and she won't allow you to. How about....start by offering to brush her hair....get familiar with it and make it all about stroking her non-sexually at first. Then you can slowly work up to a little scalp rub and maybe eventually you can grab a handful....

Anyway, just my random sicko thoughts for the morning....

DQ

[Bagheera]

Thanks so much, DQ.

You've answered a question that I never would have openly asked. I've done it, wondered why I wanted to do it, wondered why she seemed to enjoy it, and shrugged it off to just another female mystery.

-- B.

P.S. (and tongue in cheek) If we keep up these discussions, folks are going to demand that we find some Ds forum somewhere. Your viewpoint is *extremely* helpful, however, especially for this former sex-starved, fledgling Dom -- thx.

[IC2]

LOL. What are you doing to these poor guys DQ? I must admit though, that reading of the female point of view on these topics is enlightening.

Carry on my friend. {As IC kicks back with his bowl of popcorn}



-IC