For the Guy with Kids and a WW 9

[hopeful4her]

I know you guys care. You really do.

I feel SOOOO beaten. Really, really tired. She is going on with her life. I just want to get on with mine.

I have talked about one of my compulsive fears. Rejection.
I have two others.

I have a strange fear of explaining something to someone and the person I am speaking to completely ignores me. Will not even CONSIDER listening to my side. A person that refuses to hear both sides.

When I am having a serious discussion with someone, I always have to say, "Do you understand what I'm saying?" I have had nightmares of talking to someone that has completly shut down and won't listen to me. Literally.

My third is the thought of being alone. I NEVER go to a restaurant alone. I have NEVER gone to the movies by myself. Never gone to a bar alone. Never gone to a club alone. Never gone to a social function alone.

GBG has now played on all three of my numbing fears.

I DO love my wife. I am forcing myself to get along without her. I was feeling strong about myself.

In my life here, I am constantly being told to move on. Explore. 'Hey, she's cute.' 'I don't know why you never got with her.' Hey, y'all would be cute.'

I mean constant. And then there are the ladies that are always contacting. For a guy with extremly low self esteem, the temptations are.......well, you can see how I react.

I keep seeing GBG moving farther away, and I'm the one stuck on the treadmill. Never getting any closer to the goal.

I don't show her what I'm feeling. She is ASSUMING how bad I'm taking it. I didn't say that I called her on it.
"Do you think that I'm just sitting at home looking at the pictures on my phone. Please."

I asked for the pictures because I AM afraid she is going to get rid of them. I want them for the kids. She took EVERY picture of us. Not one left in the house.

I'm in a freakin' constant state of confusion. I am in turmoil within myself. I have to CONVINCE myself to detach. I don't want to. I HAVE to. My heart is broken. I'm trying to put it back together. Protecting myself from her.

GBG was the one that I would die for.

And she is killing me slowly.