H deep in A & MLC, need support 4 roller coaster!

[Dawn of Hope]

BeingMe,
Thanks for your insights! I see that you have been at this a while, and I really appreciate thoughts from long-timers in particular!

Cake-eating, check! I keep wondering if it's time to insist that he fish or cut bait, but my DB coach says "not yet," so I am waiting. H did ask me last week why I'm still here. I sorted through a number of possible responses and finally settled on a calm "I didn't have my fingers crossed at the altar." H successfully derailed me by saying, "You think *you've* kept your vows perfectly???" I didn't think fast enough to prevent the conversation from following his redirection, I'm sorry to say, but at least it didn't last very long.

Oh yes, I've been as mysterious as I can manage, creature of habit that I am. I go out sometimes and usually don't tell him where I'm going (that is a 180 for me--I have always had difficulty with social things, and was never too keen on doing things out by myself--very much an introverted homebody). I've been going to see/meet with friends, going to the occasional party, going to the movies, taking myself to lunch...and sometimes even just going to Wal-Mart I don't tell him where I'm going. Sometimes I even tell him I have "a date," if I'm actually meeting a friend! I changed my hair color, started wearing makeup regularly for the first time, started wearing my clothes a little tighter and less conservative, and now wear semi-skimpy lingerie to bed (as opposed to bare skin...since he started wearing clothes to bed after the bomb last fall, I followed suit).

I have not set a lot of boundaries. I suspect that if I had, he would be gone already.

I keep shoving my anger into a mental closet and locking it. I am pretty self-controlled anyway, but the hinges on this closet are starting to show some strain. My IC is a little worried about me for repressing my feelings so much. I guess I don't feel like it would do me any good to express them fully, so I stuff them instead and calmly talk about my anger in the abstract.

Yes, I will have to deal with the anger, sooner or later. I haven't figured out how, though. I've never been this angry for this long before--not with anyone. I don't have any practice with it. I used to be one of those people who would just nitpick and be snide rather than doing a direct attack (passive-aggressive). I'm not really like that any more, I don't think.

I'm working on the detachment. I'm not sure how to juggle that with the anger.

I like to think I should get those brownie points for dealing with his theatrical pursuits too...but I'm not sure I ever did. It was more reciprocal than it might appear, though...I started my own business 15 years ago, and he has supported me (financially and emotionally) through the ups and downs involved, even when it involved turning down a chance to follow his job to another state, and consequently taking a $15,000 pay cut in changing jobs so that I wouldn't lose the local network I had built that supported my business. He also was very patient when my business took a sharp turn into the red after 9/11 and my depression diagnosis (after which I found it immensely difficult to concentrate on business, and it went south in a major way)...and stayed in the tank for six years. So it really wasn't all one-sided, to be honest.

I am wondering about how this show will affect his R with OW. I just hope she gets as fed up with the new demands on his time as I did when he first started doing theatre...although obviously it's different because she doesn't even live locally, much less live with him. I also hope she doesn't come here to see him in it. I really don't want to lay eyes on her or talk to her, and I'm not crazy about him introducing her to all his friends in theatre. Not that he would tell the truth..."Hey, John, I'd like you to meet ___, my current sex partner and love interest in RL." "Um, what about Dawn, H?" "Oh, she cleans my house and buys my groceries. I'm not actually engaged in any intimacy with her. She's only my (censored) wife." Uh-huh.

Yes, with him particularly, I am calm and non-combative. A mutual friend, who talks to both of us separately and together, thinks that all of the wishes H had for changes in my behavior (most of which I've been doing for most of a year) are more of a "minimum standard" and to actually get anywhere with him, I will need to do "special" things for him. I'm a bit skeptical, both because I am worried about him seeing this as "pursuing," and because I used to do a lot of those things, and look where it got me. I mean, I try to be as nice to him as possible, but I no longer do very much in the way of, for example, baking things I know he will like, or going out of my way to take care of some chore that he would otherwise have to do, or offering massages if he's hurting, or anything like that. I struggle a bit with knowing where to draw the line in doing things for him. I mean, if he asks me to do something, I do it and am pleasant about it, but don't get overly excited one way or the other.

He says it makes him feel sick to his stomach when he thinks about getting back together with me. I don't place much emphasis on that, as *I* now feel sick to my stomach every time I see or think about any kind of hotel, because H and OW seem to spend most of their time together in one or another of them. Do you know how many hotels there are???! It's insane! I'm starting to get desensitized to it, but still.... So I'm not entirely sure what, if anything, I should do about this nausea problem of his....

Okay, apparently I got distracted while writing this, and now it's the next day and it's still sitting open on my computer!! I'm going to post this much now and come back with more later...

All commenters welcome!

Peace,
Dawn