The Bumpy Road to Recovery #2

[Bagheera]

1. We make out every day, sometimes more than once. I will straddle him on the couch or he will push me up against the wall in the hall way, and we will go at each other like teenagers between classes.

This is really NOT an option on the table right now DQ. I wish it was, be she ain't there yet. Do you remember the discussion you had regarding how annoyed -- not turned on -- a woman feels when she's in Mommy-mode, her hands in sink doing dishes, and her husband comes up behind her? Well, magnify that reaction by 10 and you have my wife. I can get away with non-sexual touch during the day, perhaps even a whispered sexual innuendo, but not more at this point. If I suddenly threw her up against the wall, I'd likely get a knee to the crotch or a fight at the very least.

At the same time, I know she likes the IDEA of this sort of thing in principle. But with her sending off so many negative vibes about such a thing in actual practice, I'll need to choose my time carefully (and wear a cup) to attempt it....along with a shot of confidence. More on that below.

2. Women are visual too, and even if not to the same extent as most men are, a woman will still be happy to admire a man's physique in a lusty way, if he is looking his healthiest best.

Aye to that. While I no longer have the calloused hands and athletic physique of my younger days when my job involved a lot of manual labor (in addition to technical expertise), I did start (and have kept up) an exercise regime this past spring, and would at least consider myself "fit" now, office man that I am. I have about 10 more pounds to lose before I'll be back at an optimal 150-155 lbs. Those last 10 pounds suck....

3. He "takes" what is his. It is in his attitude that I will not be allowed to withhold myself (including my body) from him, that he will just "take" me. Now, as you know, this is a difficult attitude to adopt but...if/when you can get it down, it really DOES begin to take precidence over the housework. Therefore, all the making out and his man-handling me at any time he wants to is all due to his attitude that I "belong" to him and he can take me as he pleases. He earned this right from me over time, but it truly is his right at this point.

Again, in principle, I know this is what she wants. Even now, I have blanket permission to 'take' her when I like (within common sense). In practice, however, the results have been rather mixed. There are times when she's able to surrender and enjoy herself thoroughly. There are times when she'd rather I simply please myself and just carry her along on my ride (without indulging in a ride of her own). BUT there are also times that I call her passive-aggressive stance. She doesn't use her safe-word, but she doesn't participate either; she submits, but doesn't surrender; and since I refuse to make love to a 'blow-up doll' wife, I halt such encounters quickly.

The bottom line is, we both still have a lot of healing to do, before such a sex-life will unfold for us. We're working towards it, but BOTH of our sexual confidences are still flagging after 20 years of rejection and hurt feelings. You, at least, had someone sexually healthy to help you stand up --> ours is a case of two cripples trying to help each other stand up.

To top everything else off, we had a rather lousy session with the therapist today. My wife seemed to be hitting every button that she could with me, in order to deflect attention off of herself. It's a common pattern. If she expresses some complaint about me, I'll acknowledge it and we'll discuss it, but if I express some complaint about her, she counter-complains and shifts the issue back to me as quickly as possible.

Ah well, progress IS being made -- I just hate the one-step-back parts of it.

./end[rant]

-- B.