Reason to Believe on the Lake Erie Shore

[Neilh23]

PDT-
I know. I'm doing my best to focus on fixing me. and I do feel like i'm doing nothing...when in fact working on me is the only thing i really CAN do at this point. It's funny. She told me today that she misses the cats that are with me now. I'd get overjoyed if she said that about me........

i really am struggling on how to communicate with her better...heck, with everyone better...i do fine with everyone else, but then i stumble when i get to her......i think i'm putting too much pressure on myself (at least lately anyways) to make sure that our convos go smooth. I have to get back to the point where i didn't. and just talked to her like a friend. the way i did at the start of the summer......

[upside_downer]

Neil-

When you met her, you didn't have anything to lose, so you were just yourself. You and I both were. We developed these things in our R over time.

Go back to having nothing to lose. And don't do it for her. DO it for you. I've made the mistake of doing everything because my life became dependant on my W. I realized that this morning and I need to change that. Otherwise, I'll lose myself and this will be how I feel forever until she finally just files. You need to come to terms with an answer of "maybe" instead of yes or no.

You need to do the same, because we are in the same boat...kids or not.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Neil, something that I was told early on my sitch (by NOP) that really, REALLY helped me:

In every situation, simply try to do what is RIGHT, and what you believe God would have you do, and let the chips fall where they may. DON'T do what you think will be pleasing to your wife, or -- more likely -- what you think won't upset her, or "make her mad." It doesn't mean to be an ASS, by any means, but it's just an entirely different paradigm in which to operate, and I gotta tell you, it's LIBERATING.

That served me well.

Puppy

[poet]

PDT, TD,

Could you plleease come visit my thread?

thanks,
poet

[Neilh23]

the thing is.....and i'm sorta journaling right now...feel free to respond....

the coffee. i didn't go out of my way to get it. i was getting doughnuts for breakfast for the girls and me and i got her a coffee a couple of times. I was just being nice. I'm gonna say that i just don't get why that's viewed as pursuing?

I just reread over today's posts.....thanks to all of you. You're right, twindad, she could've been a byatch about it. but she wasn't...she spoke thru love.....Hope and Kjo.....breathe and give her space..thanks...it's nice to hear those things from women too...PDT...i'm learning to trust in God. Never really had to before...but i'm getting there. Doing what's right isn't hard...

time to Man Up. Take my nuts back. GAL. Let God take control. Be a better Neil.
ya'll know how it works.

[Neilh23]

journaling...feel free to respond.

ok. back to struggling. my title....reason to believe. what are my reasons to believe? does she still love me? i think so. does she like what she's seen of the new Neil? i think so. Do i have a lot to offer my W now? Yes. DOes she know this? I think so.

then why do i feel like chit and want to give up and move on with someone else?

This friday will be 6 months to the day of the bomb. I feel a little bit like i'm back at square one. R ight back where we were 6 months ago. I feel like she's totally given up on me and our M.

words vs actions? WTF.

anyone answer that?

i'm sucking wind right now in my race here......bent over with a breathing cramp....

[Puppy Dog Tails]

ok. back to struggling. my title....reason to believe. what are my reasons to believe? does she still love me? i think so. does she like what she's seen of the new Neil? i think so. Do i have a lot to offer my W now? Yes. DOes she know this? I think so.

then why do i feel like chit and want to give up and move on with someone else?

Neil, read your four questions. "she" . . . "she" . . . "my W" . . . "she" . . .

You feel like chit because you are defining your happiness by how your wife feels about you. Understandable, but it's also not healthy. You might want to do some reading on "co-dependency" and "enmeshment" to learn more about this, but to me, it comes thru loud and clear when I read your posts.

We can only truly be happy in life when WE make OURSELVES happy, and then we decide "this woman is who I would like to share my new, happy, healthy self with" instead of looking to THEM for our happiness.

I know that sounds like a bunch of Dr. Phil pap, but it's absolutely true.

Puppy

[Neilh23]

PDT-
i know. part of me believes that the reason i feel like chit is because i KNOW i let her feelings about our sitch have this impact on me. and I know better than to let her do that. But i did. It makes total sense and it's not a lot of Dr. Phil stuff. It's what i've been attempting to do every day. some days are better than others. i knew she was pulling back, and actually sort of expected it. just not that forcefully.

i also have this incredible self doubt thing going on. It's what i'm working on with my IC. i know that's why i always have a difficult time seeing hte positives in my sitch, and then why i overextended myself, and why i'm taking this setback harder than i should.

i know that this is normal for a WAW. they dance closer...pull away...dance a little closer...pull away...it's typical. i can't let it affect me anymore.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Have you and your IC discussed co-dependency at all??

[Neilh23]

Yep. He calls it "mirroring". it's the same concept. i was so dependent on her for my feelings/emotions/life that it was unhealthy. I looked to her to mirror everything for me.....it's complicated, but yeah we have

it went both ways too. she was super dependent on me for stuff to. esp. at the beginning of our R. she just detached sooner than i did.