Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
W came by last night after her work, around 6:30. I was just about to leave to go get food for dinner so I went upstairs to D17's room and asked her if she wanted 'the usual' and then to D12's room where I was W standing behind D12, who was on her computer. W was stroking her hair and I asked D12 if she wanted her 'usual' and she turned and said 'yep!'. I did not acknowledge W and left to go get food.
I took the Prius, and W called me a few minutes later and told me her dinner was in the back, and would I be back soon. I said sure.
When I got back she was in 'her room' with the door closed. A few minutes later D17 came down the stairs as W came out of her room. D17 asked me if I'd give her a ride to her BF house. W interrupts and says that she can take her. D17 says ok.
W looks at me and says "Well, if that's all right with you. If you weren't already planning on taking her".
I said I was planning on it but it doesn't matter.
W says "Well, I haven't seen them all day and I miss the time together".
I said "Well I don't want to stop you from having the time with her of course".
A few minutes later they're ready to leave. W then says to me "I'm going to give D17 the car so she can drive herself after she drops me off at home. That way neither of us have to go pick her up later".
I said "ok". Hmm. What happened to spending time together?
So she leaves. No goodbyes. Haven't seen her since.
When I woke up this morning I felt really good. Empowered.
I think it's because I see W's 'friendship' with OM as freeing to me. She crossed the line I drew when I told her my boundaries were 'no dating'. Even if this is just some 'guy friendship thing' it's still her getting her needs met from OM.
As far as I'm concerned, she's 'moved on'. When I looked at her the other day during the OM discussion I truly did not know the woman I was speaking to.
Yesterday I solved a bunch of hard problems in my programming work and I felt good. I realize that I'm back now, and as long as I walk Gods path for me I'll stay back.
W now talks / reacts to me as an authority figure. That to means I'm getting some respect from her.
I know I am going to be more than 'all right'. I am more free today than I have been.
Do I still have a 'connection' to W? Always. I truly believe that we were meant to be together forever. Could she win me back? Yes. Will she? Don't know. Doesn't look like it.
Regardless, I'm no longer 'losing'. That's what makes all the difference in the quality of my life. And I'm a good dad.
As far as I'm concerned, she's 'moved on'. When I looked at her the other day during the OM discussion I truly did not know the woman I was speaking to.
There is a fine line between detachment and anger.
W picked up D17 from band camp and D17 called me to tell me they were going to Trader Joes to get something to make for dinner, and would I want something. Now, D17 is a teenager so I would find it unlikely she would think of calling me on her own.
She and W came to the house to cook some pizzas and eat. Why not go over 'moms house'? Whatever.
W tells me there will be enough extra if I want some and I say "thanks, that's good if there's some left".
I did a little cleanup in the kitchen, start the dishwasher, clean the pots. I don't look at W and she doesn't talk to me. It seems like I'm always cleaning up when she comes over. I think I don't want her to think I'm a bad housekeeper.
Then I went for a walk while they were cooking their pizza. On my walk I was thinking about the things that she does these days that make me angry. How I'm struggling to save us financially and she's just 'moving on' and not worrying about anything. How she has done so many things that have almost broken my spirit.
I'm releasing her from my heart.
When I came home I just can't make myself look at her. It makes me so angry. I'm sure she senses it.
She on the other hand comes off as nonchalant. When she and D17 left W said 'bye' in a 'nice' tone.
Like I said, it's hard to separate the detachment from the anger / hurt. I 'get' that she doesn't care any more. I have to get through the anger before I can finish with the healing.
One thing I came to understand tonight is that I didn't appreciate what she did do. I was so mired in my own crap that I only saw what she wasn't doing, how she was hurting me, how she cheated on me.
I really didn't see the good in her, or at least let her know that I saw it, appreciated the good things she did do.
It seems like I need to clear that up and tell her that regardless of the current situation, that I appreciate all the good things she has done that I failed to recognize. I think I owe her that.
