JUST USED LRT-WHAT DO I DO NOW???

[Sanderika]

brandnewday, Thank you....

I see that this MLC crap is all about the one in it...from reading this board...I see all the me, me, me. These people are so far from the truth. What gives them the right to be so hateful, hurtful and mean to those who love them and to those they loved for so long? Some appear to wake up and realize the damage being caused and others, well, never get it...they just remain in me-ville and continue on the stupid a$$ path.

I really thought my H was different. At least the H I know and love is different. I think you are telling me that I don't know this H anymore. I don't know him at all. For the past three years H has lived a life away from me so our intimate relationship is gone and is being replaced with an acquaintance, am I right?

This has happened because of H wants only. God knows I have tried and tried everything humanly possible to turn this unfortunate event around for the good of all of us. I tried to save my H from this day. I have worked so hard to save this marriage. I did try....now the tears. My S and I do not deserve to be here.

I will verify with a lawyer before I change any accounts. We have 2 credit cards together and no other debts except the day to day expenses of running a home and a company. I have not run up any debt on the card I usually use for home stuff, the other card is one we use for business purposes and it carries alarge balance every month but the company funds pay it off every month. My household bills and bank account statements have gone to the office because H changed his address. The OW and her BFF open all our mail. I could not convince H that that was wrong. I do have a mail issue I need to resolve. I will ask the lawyer about that too.

My H has been paying my health insurance, cell phone bill (it's still a company phone number) my gas for my vehicle. I wonder if he will cut these off too?

I do not deposit any of my money into our accounts anymore. I cash the checks. Our joint checking has a minimum balance in it only. I am happy I decided to do that back in March.

OH.....I want this to end. I want to know what my H is actually thinking now.

Barb told me above that H is going to try to control me so he can stop me from filing. Is this part of their sick MLC game and patterns?

I am sooooooo scared now. I am finally in a place I didn't see myself actually ever being in.....H is making me be here.

Thank you again...

[Sanderika]

Thank you sg,

I trust all that you folks tell me....You have a lot of experience here.

My sitch is very sad to me...I have spelled it out on the board in my posts. I would appreciate it of you would read some of it. There are a lot of similarities and then quite a few unique things in my MLC experience.

I was troubled and depressed when my H left me in 8/2005. I was so withdrawn from my life that I repeatedly over and over and over denied my H sex with me at all. He said that my depression was rubbing off on him and it was a place he didn't want to live. H admitted that he was having more days depressed than not. Claimed he hated my guts and couldn't stand to be near me at all. H had already found the OW when he dropped the bomb. H is still with the same OW.

I immediately did a 360 in about 30 days....I snapped out of my funk with pure determination and hard work everyday. I knew it was my only chance to get H back.

I began by treating those who crossed my path with a smile and a friendly voice and an honest caring and nurturing style.

I immediately realized that it was a chore to be depressed and mean and unhappy. It was such an eye opener for me when I realized that it was easier to be a nice, friendly person.

I changed my actions in the way that I walked around and handled everyday objects. I did not use as much haste and I stopped being slammy.

I totally changed my style of appearance from very casual and somewhat frumpy to very stylish and a figure flattering, sexy, colorful younger look. (Always tasteful though...not over the top provocative) I highlighted my hair and started to wear it down and long instead of always in a ponytail. I got fashionable shoes and jewelry. MY H NOTICED IMMEDIATELY. IN SEPT. 2005 he went to the county and got his own divorce papers. My behaviors and new appearance changed his mind and halted the D. Those papers are still sitting in the same place in his office virtually untouched. MY PROBLEM IS THE OW IS STILL HERE AND HIS LOVE FOR HER GREW AND HIS EGO GREW RIGHT ALONG AS WELL.

My H decided he loved her and not me somewhere along the way. Never wanted to D me though. NOT SURE THIS IS WHAT HE WANTS NOW EITHER.

I decided 3 years ago that I would treat H with Love, Kindness, Respect and Nurture him/us as much as I could possibly. H has kept me at arms length for the most part. H allows me into his world when he needs me not as a couple or when I need him. H has admitted that he has feelings for me and likes me very much but still does not think he is in a loving frame of mind with me.

We maintained our sexual relationship on a frequent basis from 1/3/06 thru 7/11/08. After 7/11 I felt H distancing himself from me. H has done this from time to time. This time it felt different.

I have treated H so well over the past 3 years. H still says that he does not trust me. H feels the "sanderika" he doesn't like is still just below the surface. I NOW HAVE PROBABLY PROVEN THAT IN HIS OPINION BY MY ACTIONS OVER THIS PAST 2 WEEKS. I BET HE WOULD SAY, SHE'S BACK JUST BECAUSE I HAVE IMPLIED TO HIM I WILL FILE. Whenever I cross his path and do something he doesn't like he claims this.

I asked him why he has stayed in my life over the past 3 years and he has said it was so he could watch me. I think he was keeping a close eye on my behaviors to see if I would regress back to depression. I will not. I will never live that way again. I like the "sanderika" when she is not depressed.

OH this could go on and on....My story is 3 years old. There is so much to tell, so much has happened.

I need help now. I am afraid if I file it will be the end of my marriage for sure. I want good reliable advice. I do not want wrong advice. I worry that even going to a lawyer could be the nails in my coffin.

I am unravelling fast....I am a wreck. I have woken up every night in the past 3 weeks having very severe panic attacks. I can't sleep well. I am having trouble shaking this from my every thoughts. I am not eating well. I am sooooooo scared.

Thank you.....

Sanderika

[sgctxok]

Hi sweetie...

The MOST important thing you can do in this moment is to take care of YOURSELF.

You must calm down, and I think a doctor can help you best in that regard.

It will be ok.

I only have a minute but will post to you tonight.

Treat yourself and nurture yourself. Honey...it is so important to do that.

[sgctxok]

OK. Don't file.


But, you need to DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT.

If he asks, be vague. Don't tell him why you are not filing.

How have you gotten a life Lately?

[Sanderika]

sg, This is what I have been doing.....

This summer I have been to a local resort town at the beach with friends twice. I have been camping/tenting once. I have been to a local state park. I go out for dinner with friends (sometimes bring son along), I am going out tonight with two of my best friends for dinner. I have been twice to a cabin owned by friends up in the north woods. I have a girlfriend who has a son 12 too, and we do things together with our boys like shopping, movies, mini golf, go-carting, dinners out. I have been shopping many times with girlfriends. I went to a local bar, dancing and hanging out with some other friends last Saturday night. Back in June I went to a NASCAR race with friends. I have a veggie garden that I share with another family and she and I get together and weed the garden and socialize. Sometimes we meet at the garden and have cocktails.

I am not reclusive. I do spend a lot of time just with S12. He needs me.

I do admit I could do more. My H did say he didn't think I was fun anymore. I keep looking for more to do....

[sgctxok]

You're doing that well....what does your H think is fun?

[BarbieDoll]

Hi Sanderika:

Please try to calm down. This has been going on for 3 years and nothing big is going to change overnight. Either way. I think he is trying to control you as his reaction to you filing, not to stop you from filing. Truth is - he doesn't know WHAT he wants. My H was nasty and became very mean to me. I asked him why. He said that he and OW wanted him to be mean to me so that I would let him go. Nice!

As for you and your son - he does not care right now about anyone but himself. I have a severely disabled son. For 3 years H barely saw him and had no problem seeing us sell our accessible home built for our son - as long as H got his money out of it. He does not care about anyone but himself!

And everyone here will try to give you their best advice. Everyone tries to help but no one knows for sure how things will turn out. And no matter how perfect you DB - there are no guarantees that this will all work out. The only thing we know is that you WILL be ok in time - you just have to keep moving forward. Even if your H does come back - it will be a new and improved M, not the one you've had up till now.

No idea what H will do next. Whether he will be nasty or whether he will be nice. My H was like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. You never knew which one was coming to the hosue. I am grateul to no longer be living this way.

My ex, like BND's H, spent EVERYTHING he could get his hands on. Including our daughter's education fund. He justified it that it was in his name. When we got our financials sorted out he was forced to pay it all back. But the damage was done - that's for sure.

Hang in there and honey - I do think you might consider going to the dr and telling about your anxiety. This is too long to be so on edge. I really feel for you and the pain you are going through.

Barb

[Sanderika]

Barb, Thank you again...

I am so sorry that your XH like my H has/had very little regard to be a part of their boys lives. I wish they could see the pain they have caused to these precious babies. My son will never forget and will be very reluctant to forgive my H for what pain H has caused to me and S12. I feel your compassion in your words from having lived and learned from your experience.

Your words and kindness are valued by me right now.

I am better this afternoon. I went out for a ride and picked up son some new underwear and socks for school. I am getting ready to go out for dinner with some very good friends.

I have a med. doctor and an IC that watch me very carefully. I actually have a prescription at my drug store I can take if I want it. I have been very reluctant because in May of 2006 I weaned myself off of the meds and have lived fine until now. I am very proud of that. I am also quite stubborn. I am right now very afraid H will cut off my health insurance so I don't want to start a prescription and then not be able to afford it. I see my IC on Monday. I have an appt. with my med. doctor in Sept., I just saw her 3 weeks ago as well. I am trying to be good and strong. It might be because I miss S12 as well. Can't wait to see my "Little Pumpkin Doo" on Friday. I would be better off with him around to occupy my spare time. And that rain ... OMG ... it poured again all day today.


sg, Thank you....

I think H is interested in only himself right now...Being free and irresponsible. A friend told me his ideas of fun right now are: riding his motorcycles, drinking beer, dancing and scr*wing. This was an observation made by his best friend.

My H is also infatuated with OWs big fake b**bs, tattoos, she rides her own scoot. She drinks like a fish. She is so different from me.

Thank you both....Sanderika

[BarbieDoll]

Sanderika:

Thank you for your kind words. I do write from the heart because I have lived through it. And only someone who has can truly understand what you're going through.

I did not use ADs. My ex had been on them and they had caused some serious problems. But I do know that they work well for some people. Like you, I am very stubborn and probably suffered more because of that at times.

Yes, the weather can really get you down on top of it all and no doubt missing your son is tough. His return will be something special to look forward to. It did not rain here today. The sun shone. I sat on the beach, did crafts and took my jetski out for a spin. It was a good day!

So - you will see both your L and your IC. This is all good. You sound like a very intelligent woman and you know how to take care of yourself. It's all good!

Enjoy your evening out with your friends. Trust me -you can't have enough of them - friends or evenings out.

Barb

[sgctxok]

Well, NASCAR really fits in with the wild scene....are you interseted in that? You tend to hang a little more 'wholesome' than your H..............

What do you think that you could do that is a little more interesting to him, but doesn't compromise who you are?