Ali sweetheart...I know you have been through so much pain just to love this man.
Thanks.... You know what it is amazing how you got all that other stuff you posted about me just from me posting. Scary even.... yeah I think under it all.... I trust him and then again who knows...
I cried when I read your post.... I would love to come see you some time.... right now? Not a possibilty. I wish I had a sister.. I have 2 brothers and it just isnt the same.
The fact that you keep trying to be okay with this sitch, when in your guts, you KNOW it is wrong for him to treat you badly, hurtful to you, NOT the way you want to live... and yet you keep trying to get along... as if just by being better somehow, YOU can shape his behavior into something civilized.
Honey, if you decide to stay in this sitch, it MUST be with the clear-eyed realization that he could very well be this way forever. He might change, true... he might start treating you well 51% of the time... but he might never do it. I'm not saying you have to make any radical decisions right now. But be open to a future without him.
I don't know if you're a praying person or if you "pray" but call it something else, but consider this: the Infinite (whatever your name for that is) has an infinite imagination and infinite creativity at its disposal-- WAY more imagination and creativity than you do. You feel stuck, but the Infinite is NOT stuck. You're right about trying to give your mind a rest. Establish some kind of soothing phrase, like mental "white noise" to say to yourself over and over when the mental chatter is like a buzz saw. Something like "all is well." And remember that you do have a happy and fulfilled future ahead of you even if you can't see it right now... but you must let go and be open to it. I firmly believe you don't have to DO anything at the moment. When you do need to do something, it will become apparent at that time. Can you really let yourself believe this... and align yourself emotionally with whatever Loving Force it is that is behind and underneath your life. I know you can. You need some relief, and it's not to be found outside of yourself. You must find it inside.
Quote:
Regarding miracles: I also believe in miracles. In this case, whether or not he changes, that's HIS miracle. What about YOUR miracle? You can bring your miracle into being by loving yourself the way you wish he loved you. By making yourself a high priority the way you wish he would.
This was the advice I was given on Sunday and it has given me alot of peace of mind. And alot to think about... ~Ali
Also...I am not a SSM expert but..there must be a difference between being sex deprived in a R/M when you really love the person and using sex to cover up your pain.
Not really sure how to approach this as I have only started to follow you Alimari, but...staying out late and not having the ring on...STILL...I find bothersome.
If I was upset that my W didn't have the same interest in sex that I did....but loved her...I could see how this could work thru with changes. If I spent months/years with the baby oil bottle, frustrated, and then found my W wanting me..and the sex was a plentiful as you have offered to your H...I think, in his shoes, I'd be overjoyed and, wel..uh...well satisfied. But..if there is an element of WAS here...I would just be careful. I haven't been here long enough to truly understand the dynamics of your M. Is the new found sex with H....love and intimacy on his part? If it was sex starved before, and now it is not, then, what is the issue? Thanks for helping to explain some stuff.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Not really sure how to approach this as I have only started to follow you Alimari, but...staying out late and not having the ring on...STILL...I find bothersome.
I also find it bothersome.....
If I was upset that my W didn't have the same interest in sex that I did....but loved her...I could see how this could work thru with changes. If I spent months/years with the baby oil bottle, frustrated, and then found my W wanting me..and the sex was a plentiful as you have offered to your H...I think, in his shoes, I'd be overjoyed and, wel..uh...well satisfied.
I agree, he should be overjoyed and yet he is still very depressed
But..if there is an element of WAS here...I would just be careful.
I see what you are saying honey.... This could explain why I feel so unsure, as of late. He has me on a silver platter and he still isnt happy. This makes sense....
I haven't been here long enough to truly understand the dynamics of your M.
{ It would take you forever to read thru my threads please dont try... I will it explain it in next post} { it isnt pretty and you willl very well wonder whY I stayed, I am sure}
Is the new found sex with H....love and intimacy on his part?
Yeah he is actually very nice when it comes to lovemaking, very attentive... in this arena he shines.
If it was sex starved before, and now it is not, then, what is the issue? I dont really know how to explain what his issue is. I am sure it is all about him. He says that I ... empathy sex.... does that explain it some? He thinks I do things for him just for him that I derive no pleasure. That is hwy I started the 28 day journal.... if I just do it and it is regular he would see it for what it was?
You have grown so much to find it within yourself to love him as you do. Have you thought that maybe he is now trying to find it within himself to grow too? He could now be lost and trying to search his soul for the answers to why he does the things he does to this woman that loves him so much. He could be asking himself, "What did I do to deserve this woman? Why do I keep hurting her even while she loves me?"
Originally Posted By: Ali~
He has me on a silver platter and he still isnt happy.
SSM men dream of our wives giving themselves to us as you have done for him. I would be overjoyed if my wife finds this in herself. The last thing I would be is depressed.
He must have an awful lot of stuff running around in his head, it's the only thing that makes any sense.
2 years ago I get the bomb I love you but I aint gonna fight for this any more.....
he had had affairs before this.... EA and PA and even a DNA test... I felt the Earth was going to swallow me on that last one...
So we get seperated.
For years before that he told me the sex was mediocre... see he has never been truly starved he just felt that way cause after the DNA~ test I shut down....
I would have sex but I really wasnt there. I carried the pain and the anger with me evrywhere I went and in bed I was a zombie pretty much. I tried and tried and yet I couldnt get over it, I felt ugly and worthless....
I was gone and in my place was this sad Woman who wsnt really alive...
Anyway so shortly before bomb . I buy the book PM~ and read and highlight ... I sort of get it... { "IT" m that Men correalte sex w/ feeling loved} . He was seeing someone thruout the seperation and lying about it and also got a fancy little Tattoo with her name above his heart.... When I saw it I wished him the best very calmly I mught add and sent him on his way,,, That I would continue to pray for him and hoped he would be happy with her, and that my greatest hope was that one day he would call me and say I AM HAPPY!
I "bust" my Divorce and then get "it" a little more,
But it is still hard for me to give myself fully to someone who hurts me so much. @ 3 MONTHS OF GRUELING PAIN AND AGONY AND ME GROWING THRU IT ALL.
A year later I "meet" COG~ on these boards and he helps me get "it" a little more...
This past year @ 2 years later.. { after Reconciling} I have long conversations with hubby and I get "it" a lot more and I feel like I am there for sure...
He enjoys this "new me" . Starting, In April,he tells me but it scares him. It is all too much for him? He starts to tell ME he is tired.
I know he is better than before and I know for sure he isnt cheating.... He is being an a**hole but he isnt cheating again. And yet for me liek you say , the Ring and the going out.... I wish that were different. { he has sent his FOO~ oodles and I mean oodles of $ and now he finally sees them for the backstabbers they are , and so his new depression is being taken out on me so to speak? They built houses etc etc etc and us? We rent a real nice comfortable home but OWN nothing... very long story as well. Basically he told them he never wants to speak to them again. He used to go visit them for months at a time and leave the kids and I alone....}
{ not making excuses FIB~ just trying to help you see what is going on so you can help me}
He must have an awful lot of stuff running around in his head, it's the only thing that makes any sense.
I agree maybe he is changing too... growing. I need to stop analyzing.
I have honestly made a commitment to myself to work on this. It is just frustrating. It would be better if I just took a break from worrying. And if he would talk to me about his feelings....
