Trying ... well if you can call it that, I guess.

[maninmotion]

Hi (((Abbey))). I do so hope for you that this is an itty bitty baby step forward. I'm the LBS and I made the accusation of OM which my W denied. Then, I thought to myself, what if I'm wrong?

So, in light of my snooping and accusation, my W said that's it. However, at our last MC, I got her to postpone a D for 6 months and agree to come back to counseling next month.

I'm hopeful for you also because having read your thread, I too can take heart in the change.

Thanks,
Dan

[Abbey]

Hi Dan... welcome aboard... actually I'm never surprised when spouses get "caught" that they say that's it! What other alternative do they have? It's that painted into a corner thing.

When I confronted mine about a photo of him kissing the parasite, you should have seen the big "show" he put on, and subsequent accusations towards me about this affair I never had etc etc etc. Thing is, as a friend of mine explained (this person's job is a "special investigator" ...and I'll leave it at that)... that when people are caught the 2 biggest reaction are these:... they'll either "crumble" and admit... or go complete opposite and try to accuse, or turn the table on the person who's screwed up their "game". Once the threat of repercussions subsides, usually does the cheaters bravado. It's not an absolute, obviously, but it is one or the other that more oft than not, is exactly how the thing plays out.

I'm not sure about the whole snooping thing in the way it's presented and recommended not to,... don't really know how in the heck else one is suppose to find out about the deception/affair etc in order to deal with it. So,... chronic snooping AFTER the fact, yeah I get that - unhealthy for everyone involved. Especially if it just serves to keep ripping opened the wound over and over again once you already know there's another OP involved. Then there's this fine edge of the wedge of stalker-ism I think that also sets in... Not like the ones we read about in the magazines, but more of giving the person that feeling that NOTHING about their privacy is theirs anymore. FWIW, I finally told mine about HOW I had access to his cell phone records. I laughed when I told him: Said, I didn't have to break in... YOU gave me access to them when you wanted me to download one of those cellphone ring tones. *grin* As it stands now, I know he's with her, I have gotten friends to just NOT discuss him with me, unless I bring something specific up. I just do not want to know for the most part. His mind is all over the place,... theres nothing definitive to be found in his day to day to day actions. It's actually helped me even out and detach enough that when something big I "need" to know comes up... I'm better to deal with it.

You've got yours in MC... that btw is HUGE... don't discount the willingness for the spouse to look for answers.

*hugs*
Abbey

[One Day]

Hey Abbey,

Just thought I'd stop by and say hello. I think you handled the get together with H really well and was really pleased that he was OK with touching you and physical contact. I was just thinking, along the lines of trying to be friends with H, that it might e worth reading RollerCoasterRider's posts (search her name on the search page). she had an H who was MLC and wrote very eloquently about being supportive and friendly at the beginning of the crisis, setting boundaries later.

I can't believe your H denied OW when you had a picture of them kissing. Flipping heck! I agree about the chances of their R lasting, though, in that they have no chance at all.

L.xx

[Abbey]

Dan,... I'm over reading your thread...

Lisa,... thanks for that, I'll read there too... I agree in the boundaries thing. Had I went on H the time at the movies he was rude and distant... I may as well have tried to spit on a 10 alarm fire. Would have got me no where. Hell, he doesn't even remember discussing the separation agreement during my birthday dinner *laugh*... I knew that it would be wasted breath in the long run.

Going "dark"... has really reset a few things that needed resetting. Probably more for me, than I even realize at this moment. I just posted to Ali's thread about something I was thinking about that maybe might help give perspective to how I ended up at the that push back state and what happened next. Giving up the struggle, not the hope. Ya know?

I sense in some ways we find ourselves reading other folks sitchs and think ... Hey... that's where I was 5 or so weeks ago... I know reading yours... I think... you're where I want to try to get to next etc... When this thread gets locked, I'm headed to MLC too.

A lot has happened behind the scenes by way of "reports" etc from folks who see him more than I, plus things he's said and done himself in the last couple of weeks that gives me hope... long haul hope... but hope just the same. Something *specifically* the H said about some of the "losers" and who they associate with in the neighbourhood... in conjunction with his recent "old H" social activities, has me really hopeful that he's walking head on to seeing the light about the parasite and how she fits into that whole gang of losers. *smile*

Never the less.. Right now, I need to keep working on me... I KNOW there's some relationship books I need to get back to reading but right now the prospect of it (even a book/dvd/cd set) that cost me 400 bucks is just completely NOT on my calendar at the moment. Emotionally I can't afford to expend that energy. It'll send me backwards. Did you feel like that?

I read these damn things and then want to get all gungho about the ideas and burn my little self out Need to pace and focus and do short sprints, things that last between 5 to 20 or 30 minutes at a time.

*hugs*
Abbey

[Abbey]

Lisa, thanks for the RollerCoaster threads, I'm going to have to there next... and I'm considering purchasing a couple of sessions too.

This week... he first is talking "wanting to go to a party" with his male friends .... as though he's 18. And then the next convo, he's asking me questions about what he can do "alone"... what shows he can rent. Where's the parasite? Who knows. Again....what are lies, and what is just mass brain burping confusion on his side... who knows.

I know in the next few weeks I"m going to have to start to tackle getting excited about me - REALLLLLY get the 180 in gear, and doing some more research on this whole Stage 1 friendship part getting to stage 2 etc etc etc. It exhausts me to think about it all though. *laugh*

Abbey

[MichelleLT]

(((Abbey)))

Sounds like you are doing really well!

Again....what are lies, and what is just mass brain burping confusion on his side... who knows.

ROTF LMAO. That's awesome.

[Abbey]

Michelle, the whole last two weeks has me scratching my head. Much like One Day's sitch... mine is saying things and doing the odd thing that does look like he's inching closer in wee baby steps, then popping his head back down which I know is par for the course... it's just weird that some of the things he's said to me about what he's doing,(but that I haven't posted about),... are solitary activities that I would assume he would want to do with the parasite. I don't know if it's his way of inviting me closer... or testing the waters... or just brain burping. Don't want to do "goof up" and make the wrong choice ... so I'm staying "grey".

Letting him come to me... which I guess is safer.... but... since there's this element of him saying "how I treated" him is part of his problem... then how in the hell am I supposed to treat him now? LOL

I've got some stuff to do this week, then I think it's time for me to dump my head back into the relationship books... *sigh*

On a good note, I went and whacked a jumbo bucket of golf balls yesterday. Felt wonderful... think I'm going to do that again today... but need to bring Elastoplasts... got me a blister!

Trudging along and trying to be kind to myself,
Abbey

[MichelleLT]

Hmm, one of these days I should learn to play real golf. Although I think miniature golf is more fun! Lol.

[Abbey]

Journaling...
Actually today was a nice day, I made plans for the Labour Day weekend, and I'm looking forward to it. I'm finding myself up a lot more than down these days.... but just when you make it through a threshold... something stupid hits you.

Friday night... all I wanted to do was get out of the house and not have to eat ... alone. I'm trying to mind my weight, so I don't eat out often,... but it's nice to be round other folks and just drink in the atmosphere of being around other humans.

But... it's Friday... not much luck actually finding a table for 1. I even went later... 7 pm thinking ok... that'll be enough time for the families to get through their dinners. It's a pizza /italian food place... oh well, I can go tomorrow. I actually drove around to a couple of other restos... but you know when you've had your heart set on something and suddenly you dont really find yourself hungry for anything else... so I headed home and had a quick bite here.

Dammit, ya know,... there are a lot of things I hate about what and how our spouses have treated each and every one of us who've filled the pages of this forum... It's just times like this... the little things sometimes that can bring you on the verge of tears. The b@stards! They've upheaved our lives... and for what?... a roll in the hay with someone new?... to run away from dealing with REAL LIFE? MLCs, finding themselves, blah blah.

Something an old friend said to me today (telling me about his sitch that happened years ago and is similar to ours)... he said: Until they can treat you and SEE you again as a person... someone they've hurt, they're missing the point. It took my ex wife YEARS to finally get that.

It really drove home the point to me that I... we... deserve to be treated better. Common decency, as A person.

I will always love my H, but I truly deserved better than this. Life shouldn't be filled with this kind of turmoil. especially since... All I wanted was a f'g pizza.

Abbey

[maninmotion]

Something an old friend said to me today (telling me about his sitch that happened years ago and is similar to ours)... he said: Until they can treat you and SEE you again as a person... someone they've hurt, they're missing the point. It took my ex wife YEARS to finally get that.

I was just today thinking basically that same thought. I was just thinking about how W hurts me, but, it doesn't seem to really register that her actions hurt. I always put it down to being so focused on themselves, but, this is a part of it too.

I'm glad that you are seeing those tiny baby steps.

Dan