Thanks for your post, Hopeful. Your words are what I have been fearing a lot lately - that when I finally have that great epiphany, H will decide it's no longer worth it. I know he's reaching a point now where he feels like giving up, but to his credit he has decided to stick in long enough to give MC a try. Beyond that, I really don't know. Right now there is a lot of hesitation on my part because I don't know if things really can change between us. I'm hoping that MC will help us sort those feelings out and help us find ways to get past those feelings of hesitation. Logically, I am able to step back from the sitch and see why I am doing the things that I am doing - it's just at this point, I am too scared to do anything other than what I am doing. The thing is, the longer we're apart, the more comfortable we get being "just best friends" - we're both getting lives and in many ways moving on. A part of me is okay with that, but another part fears it.
I have been looking into Retrouaville (sp.?) and have been seriously thinking about going. I've contacted the local group a couple of times for info but have not received a response yet which is kind of disheartening. I really don't know much about what it is or if I'd even be able to afford it, but I'm hoping that someone gets back to me eventually.
In the meantime, thanks for your wish for luck. I need it...
Me (WAW) 30 H (LBS) 31 T since 6/10/1994 M 8/8/98 No kids S 3/10/08 D filed 6/9/08; put on hold 7/14/08 D finalized 10/13/08
Lost, As far as Retrouaville, check with 'Sara' or 'husband' *(he has a thread going on his experience there a few weeks ago). Can you check with another local group from another city? Or a state contact?
Keeping you in my thoughts & prayers as I understand the hesitation and the fears. You are not alone with that.
Peace Bridge
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
If you are anything like I was then you are confused and you are second guessing your decision to walk away, but your heart is not in it anymore. I told my therapist way back when I want to want to make it work. She was unable to help me with this b/c I was not seeing any changes in our M by not finding solutions. When we seek and find solutions to the difficulties in our marriages it provides hope. It doesn't sound like you are experiencing this in MC which is why I suggest seeking help outside MC where the sole purpose is to find solutions. My heart goes out to you. I know this is a confusing time. I hope that you are spared the hurt that I experienced when I decided to save my marriage but it was to late.
Posts Role Reversal(original) WAW now LBS part I & II WAW now LBS part III(current) T: 9 yrs M: 8 yrs WAW: Sep 06-Jul 07 LBS: Sep 07-pres.
So today is our 10th wedding anniversary. H sent me a beautiful text message first thing this morning. I mailed him a card (albeit a funny one) that told him, despite everything that's going on, I've never regretted marrying him and that I thought it was amazing that I still love him and consider him my best friend 10 years later.
Still, it's a sad day for me. We always planned on doing something really big for our 10-year anniversary, like go on a cruise or buy something really extravagant for the house. Quite simply put, it wasn't supposed to be anything like this... To make matters worse, I'm supposed to attend the wedding of a co-worker tonight and I'm not sure I'll be able to hold it together.
A lot of things lately are bringing me to a meltdown. Last night, I attended karaoke at a local pub and someone sang "Piano Man" which was always the song that H and I and all our friends would sing on camping trips and weddings, etc. It made me miss everything so much that I had to spend a few minutes in the restroom to get myself together. Oh, and I'm working on filling out the worksheets that the marriage counselor gave me for "homework" and looking at my answers makes me think that I might have some major depression developing, which is kind of scary.
I don't really have any questions or anything today. Guess I just wanted to vent a little...
Me (WAW) 30 H (LBS) 31 T since 6/10/1994 M 8/8/98 No kids S 3/10/08 D filed 6/9/08; put on hold 7/14/08 D finalized 10/13/08
I survived the 10-year anniversary, just barely (or so it feels). It was not a good day. I cannot remember ever feeling so low in my entire life. I find myself sinking even further into this abyss which I now realize is the other big D - depression. According to the Beck depression inventory given to me by my counselor, I suffer from moderate to severe depression. I guess that explains why I just don't seem to get enjoyment out of things that I used to love, like reading and writing. I guess that would explain why water used to calm me but now all I can think about is how nice it would be to jump in and let it swallow me. Or how I wake up every morning a little disappointed that I woke up.
Don't get me wrong - I am not suicidal. A friend of mine committed suicide 8 months ago and I was horrified by the impact it had on everyone who loved him. I would never inflict that kind of pain on anyone that I love. But every day that passes and I feel like I'm no closer to solving this puzzle called my life is another day that I feel more and more hopeless about life in general.
I know some of you have been where I'm at now... How did you get out of the hole and get back to living???
Me (WAW) 30 H (LBS) 31 T since 6/10/1994 M 8/8/98 No kids S 3/10/08 D filed 6/9/08; put on hold 7/14/08 D finalized 10/13/08
"I can control my muscles and limbs despite my feelings"
I would often say this to myself when i didn't want to get out of bed. I would then physically take a deep breath, throw the covers off and say to myself "get up get up getup".
I know what you mean.
You virtually have to force yourself to do things. It might not seem like it's making you feel better at the time, but if you get into the habit of doing it eg exercise, you will feel better for doing it eventually.
Hope that helps chickie...
** Purple
As soon as you trust yourself you will know how to live. Goethe
Haven't seen you posting here for a while? How are things?
I have been where you are. I relied heavily on one or two good friends to literally come drag me out of my house and take me out, to their house, to an art gallery, shopping, a car drive, for coffee just to talk, etc.
I gave them permission to come do what was in my best interest when I couldn't see it. I trusted them to see it and not necessarily call me on it & kick my a$$, just recognize it, be gentle with me, and help me move along.
It took weeks for me to not have that feeling on an almost daily basis. It does get better, it has gotten better. Right now I can feel my anxiety level raising for various reasons. I know "I" need to take control of some of the things in my life that are causing that anxiety and either deal with them or let them go.
MY Counselor helped(s) a great deal.. There were weeks that I was in to see her 2times a week with a phone call thrown in for good measure. I have not been back since before I left for vacation & I can tell I need a 'tune-up'.
Take advantage of those that love & support you. Ask for their help, be specific in what you want them to do for you.
Be gentle with yourself, it's ok to feel these things, it's ok to wonder, and be despairing, it's ok to hurt, it's ok to be confused, it's ok to just be you. This is you today, it will be different tomorrow, if you let be.
Peace Bridge
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
(((lost))) The Beck scale can be really helpful. It reminds me it might be time to do it again when I see my C next week. I am not a health care professional, but I am a veteran patient. Please pay careful attention to a major behavior change. Over/under eating, drinking, isolation (this is my specialty), or other non-lost behavior could be a sign there is more trouble than you think. Keep the C's phone number nearby. Alert a couple of BFF's, give them permission to whack you with 2x4's, or at least, take you for coffee once a week. Not that long ago, I stayed in bed all weekend, skipping Church, meetings/dates with friends, even told kidlets they could not have anyone over. It will get better. You might just need a little more help. Peace.
Me:44, WAW hx bi-polar H:48, hx of abuse S:22, S:19, D:16 Filed Oct 08, dismissed Filed again Jan 10, dismissed Now Piecing alter persona: SuperBoots
Yes, it's been a while since I've posted. Things are still pretty much the same for me. My counselor recommended that I talk to my primary care physician re: getting on some antidepressants - she said she was quite concerned about my depression level. I don't think I'm quite ready to go there, think I'll try some natural cures first (exercise, etc.), but I know that it's something I need to see to. She told me that depression can cause some of my uncertainty and unwillingness to make decisions (particularly about H and OM) and getting my depression under control might actually make things a little clearer for me.
In our last counseling session, H said that he will not be the one to end our M - that final decision will be up to me - but that he's at the point where he doesn't really feel like fighting for the M anymore. He did however agree to the "dating" suggestion that the counselor gave us - to go on dates with the intention of getting to know each other in a different way. It seems that even though H and I have always been able to talk to each other, we've never been very good at communicating exact needs that we have that the other has not been meeting or listening to those needs when they were communicated. It's strange to realize that something so seemingly small can create such a huge problem and I find myself wondering how I never noticed it before.
Counselor told me to also take into consideration that my emotional needs are currently being met by OM - not to undermine the M but just that it's something I need to think about in making my decision whether to be with H, OM, or myself. What are the thoughts on this? Do you think this is wise advice or something I shouldn't be hearing from a counselor?
So basically, I really don't know where things are going - I'm still just trying to take it one day at a time and pray that someday I'll wake up with a clear mind and know what it is that I want out of life....
Me (WAW) 30 H (LBS) 31 T since 6/10/1994 M 8/8/98 No kids S 3/10/08 D filed 6/9/08; put on hold 7/14/08 D finalized 10/13/08
So it's been over a week since I last posted here. The feeling of extreme despair is still there. I wish I could make it go away but it refuses to leave me alone. I find myself unable to concentrate at work, so much so that I've found reasons to leave early every day. It's impacting my friendships because I no longer wish to communicate with anyone who knows anything about my R issues. As all WAW's know, we spent years feeling numb on the inside to hide from the pain of everyday life. For a short time, I found myself coming back to life and feeling like a human being again instead of the robot I had become. Now it's like I feel like I can't handle being human and desperately want to become that robot again - the emotions are just so intense that I want to curl up in a ball and hide under the covers. I don't want to feel this way but I don't know what to do anymore. Instead of contemplating R with H and R with OM, I just ignore both and go on with my day. All I want is for it to be over. Am beginning to think that getting rid of them both and disappearing to Timbuktu is the way to go... but then again, running never has solved any of my problems, has it?
Me (WAW) 30 H (LBS) 31 T since 6/10/1994 M 8/8/98 No kids S 3/10/08 D filed 6/9/08; put on hold 7/14/08 D finalized 10/13/08
