I survived the 10-year anniversary, just barely (or so it feels). It was not a good day. I cannot remember ever feeling so low in my entire life. I find myself sinking even further into this abyss which I now realize is the other big D - depression. According to the Beck depression inventory given to me by my counselor, I suffer from moderate to severe depression. I guess that explains why I just don't seem to get enjoyment out of things that I used to love, like reading and writing. I guess that would explain why water used to calm me but now all I can think about is how nice it would be to jump in and let it swallow me. Or how I wake up every morning a little disappointed that I woke up.
Don't get me wrong - I am not suicidal. A friend of mine committed suicide 8 months ago and I was horrified by the impact it had on everyone who loved him. I would never inflict that kind of pain on anyone that I love. But every day that passes and I feel like I'm no closer to solving this puzzle called my life is another day that I feel more and more hopeless about life in general.
I know some of you have been where I'm at now... How did you get out of the hole and get back to living???
Me (WAW) 30 H (LBS) 31 T since 6/10/1994 M 8/8/98 No kids S 3/10/08 D filed 6/9/08; put on hold 7/14/08 D finalized 10/13/08
