For the Guy with Kids and a WW 9

[Sugar and Spice]

(((H4H))) I'm proud of you for not kicking the OM's pansy a$$, it would have only made W mad at you. I'm also proud of you for the way you talked with her about it and kept it to the girls, that was good. You did REALLY well and W is seeing that the girls would rather be with you and the stability and love you so easily provide to them.
She knows she is being selfish and doesn't choose to help it, but it also makes her feel bad because she knows that the kids see it and recognize it for what it is as well.
I thought it was so telling when your D11 said, "Shes not bringing our bags, right?" That is my DS in a nutshell. They can cut right to the heart of the matter with very few words. They recognize the behaviors and are willing to call BS on BS. You are doing a great job dad, they are going to be just fine.
((((hugs right back))))

[hopeful4her]

Thank you guys. I have always been level headed. But I swear, if I see him again...3rd strike and he's out.

Pretty uneventful today compared to yesterday. GBG never called or emailed about plans to bring me their stuff. I found out later that she had called D11 and told her that she would bring the girls stuff over to the house later after work. During lunch, I finish D6 school supplies and get a lot of extra stuff to keep at the house for them since GBG took all the fun stuff. All the markers, crayons, paper, barbies, coloring books. I get all that stuff and hit the dollar store for books and more stuff for them.

I get home. Whip us some dinner. D11 playing on the internet most of the night. I watch Freaky Friday with D6.

Before starting dinner, B calls me. Asking if I'm already home or at the office still. She was in the area and had some time for a drink or a bite to eat. Her cousin is baby sitting her daughter for the week. I tell her that I have the kids this week. We talk for a bit. Ask how I am. I ask how her weekend went. Chit chat for about 10 minutes. I kind of end the conversation. Starting dinner.

I feel myself being more willing.

Just after dinner, GBG calls me. She asks about the girls. She says it looks like she might be later than she thought. She came home to water all over the laundry room and kitchen. Flooded, in her words. I don't ask how or why. I just tell her not to worry about coming over. I tell her all the stuff that I have bought. She says that she can bring stuff. She has no mop. Using all her towels. She is tired.

Once again, poetic.

She asks if girls are ok. She asks if we have groceries. She starts to tell me she remembers some stuff in the freezer that I could cook for breakfast. So on and so forth.

WTH? "I have it covered" is all I tell her.

She tries to talk a little but I'm just giving little back. I just let her try.
"Ok, well if they're ok, I'm just going to bed."
"They ARE fine. They still have some clothes and stuff. They'll be fine."
She changes her mind again, "No, I AM going to come over. I want to see them."

She is starting to cry. Slight sobbing. "I'll see you after while."
"Okay." I was pretty chipper.

Three hours later, just as I tell D6 that it looks like she's not showing, she arrives with S14.

Girls are excited. She brought Pup back. He's going crazy. She sits at the dining table with me. Some small talk. She sees the stuff I bought. I ask if she brought anything. Toys. Barbies. "No, they told me they didn't want anything."

She knows I want more of their stuff here. I mention that a friend from work is going to donate her daughters Polly Pocket stuff to D6. She tells me defensively that she will bring more of their stuff tomorrow. I tell her that I guess the girls are okay with what we have here so don't worry about it.

She offers that maybe I can drop the girls at her apartment for the day and them pick them up after work. Keep doing this, since S14 will be at the apartment. She tells D6 that its up to me. I am silent. They are fine here. Thats the second time she has tried to offer this.
She goes to see the puppies outside. Back inside, "The dogs have no food or water." and starts to fill bowls of food and water.
"They did earlier. The girls took care of them today. Besides we feed them late morning."


She comes in after and asks where D11 is. I say she is watching tv in my room. She takes her shoes off and goes to the room. She sits on the bed and watches with her. S14 joins them and so does D6. I stay in dining room and color a book.

After about 15 minutes, she says she is going to leave. D6 tells her she wants her to stay. She says she has to go. Needs some rest. Saying goodbyes, kisses and hugs and a wave to me. She is starting to cry again. She makes the offer for the girls to stay at the apartment for the third time. I tell her that they will be fine here. She tells the girls that she'll be back tomorrow to bring some more of thier stuff. D6 ask if she is crying.
"No, I'm not crying. I'll see you tomorrow, okay?"

I hope it is hard as hell on her.

At door, she says bye and I tell her to be careful. She is still crying. I close the door as soon as she leaves. Nearly 10 minutes later, D11 notices that she still hasn't left.

Now girls are upset. Not crying but sad.
I get them to bed. D11 sneaks back to my bedroom.
"I can't sleep. I can't sleep because I don't want my parents to live in separate houses."

I tell her that we have to accept what is going on. We may not like it, but we have to accept. I have to move on. I tell her that I hate that we have to go through this. That I would never wish this on them, but mom has made a decision. That I'm not going to be second best to anyone. I HAVE been for too long, I tell her. I admit to her that I AM angry with GBG and that is why I am so quiet around her. That I don't want to fight or argue with her. I don't want to say something wrong. She agrees. She is tearing up. I tell her its okay to cry. She is just really sad. She wants to sleep with me. I tell her she needs to sleep in her bed. Like D6.

I tell her she is getting older, but she took offense to that. She is really sensitive right now. I wanted her to sleep with me so I could hug her to sleep. But I shouldn't, I guess.

I am really up and down about her now. I really feel like I don't want anything to do with her anymore. I hate how she makes me feel. I guess it is me actually . I LET her make me feel a certain way. I'm not showing her, though. She is just seeing me be really detached from her. Unemotional. I can't even look at her. Too hard. I am just angry with her, and I'm not sure if that is good or bad. I have to really try not to show it, but we know each other too well.

I guess I'd rather be angry looking than sad looking to her. I need to get to aloof and upbeat. Running things my way. Like I could care less.

But I do. Thats the problem.

[kat727]

Hon, we all care. Right now though you are doing things right. You can see cracks in her resolve. Just keep it up. I think reality may be finding her very soon. hugs

kat

[Puppy Dog Tails]

H4H,

It's not how much you care that's ever a problem. It's how you ACT on how much you care.

And you're doing it perfectly.

Really, really well-handled. I know it's hard as hell, but you've grown tremendously, and the strength, grace and compassion you are showing your children thru this will be built into their hearts and their character for a lifetime, and even passed down to THEIR children.

They are your legacy.

Puppy

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Hon, we all care. Right now though you are doing things right. You can see cracks in her resolve. Just keep it up. I think reality may be finding her very soon. hugs

kat

I think so too. Just keep living by "Never rescue an adulterer from the consequences of their adultery," even in the not asking about the water on the floor -- in EVERYTHING.

It's working.

Puppy

[whatdidido]

You handled the situation with the kids, and the OM being there, very well. In fact, you are handling the kids EXTREMELY well.

She is seeing what she is doing to her family, h4h. She misses her kids, and sees that she is choosing to be a part time mom. She believes she has no real choice...that she could stay with you, but then she would forever be unhappy and in her mind that is not good for the kids either. Ok, so.......could be a good time for retro info.- letting her know that she DOES have a way to have it all: able to be a full time mom and have a happy life with you. I believe this is a critical time because the kids are most emotional right now, and so is she. Pretty soon she will get to the "it's already done now and the kids have gone through too much transition already", or "the kids are getting used to it, kids are resiliant".

You are doing well with detaching and not rescuing her. This is important. Don't help her with the water problem, don't chit chat to make her feel better, don't bring her things she forgets, etc. I'm not sure how I feel about her coming over when it was your turn to have the kids.....she is upsetting them and she is making herself feel better just to see them....however, it is upsetting her, too, and that is a good thing.

As for B.....h4h, am I going to have to get on a plane and kick your rear end? Stop answering her calls. Does she even know that you love your wife and are trying to be with her? I love how she just happened to "be in the area". Geeeeez. You are still married. Stay away from her. Not to mention that even if you end up divorcing your W, you should NOT jump into that relationship with B. She seems almost vulture-like...sitting on the telephone wire waiting for you to be alone so she can swoop down and pick on the carcass of your freshly dead marriage. I get that you are vunerable, that you are hurting, .....all the reasons that you need to stay away from B.

[hopeful4her]

kat and Puppy, thank you. I can only say that it doesn't feel like what I'm doing is doing anything other than starting to heal myself and move on past her.

I knew that OM was going to be helping her. Giving her money. Supporting her. Probably bought all the furniture. Put it all together for her. HE is her hero. Me not helping her and staying away just benefits them together.


wdid, I had the packet ready to give her last night. I just didn't. I can't even look at her. If she comes back over tonight or I go to the apartment to pick up more things, I will. I think my plan of conversation will be this.....

"I just want to give you this. Please take some time to read it over. It is the information that I brought up to you a few times. Look it over. Give your self a chance to look through it all. If you don't mention anything about it to me, then I'll know your answer.
I wasn't sure if I would give it to you or not, but I told myself that I would never forgive myself if I at least didnt't give it to you to look at. It would mean a lot to me for you to at least give it some thought."


We'll see.

On coming over, I knew she was going to be looking for reasons to come visit them. She allowed the girls to be with me the first weekend she moved out and then let them stay with me last Wednesday overnight and all of Thursday while it was her week.

Sunday, she alluded to the fact that she thinks that I am taking the situation really hard. Like I am grasping at things like photos and momentos to hold on to her. That she knows how hard I'm taking it. The she KNOWS that to me she is a b*tch and I disgust her. That she REALLY understands. But she is having a hard time to. Adjusting I suppose. Thats when I told her that it didn't seem like she SHOULD be having a hard time. She got what she wanted. She said that yes, she did. That was when she told me about getting used to not having the girls around for so long, "But I guess that is what I chose."

I love her, but I feel myself moving on a little more each passing day. I am at the point that I am just going to do what makes me happy. Do what I want.

And spend time with those who want to spend time with me. I'm not looking. I'm not pursuing anyone. Definately not looking for a relationship. B lives maybe 2 or 3 miles from where I work, so that is why she said she was in the area.

I do not picture us 'together'.
But I do enjoy her company.

Y was at my office all day yesterday. She had been on vacation all last week. We talked for a while. Told me what she and her daughter did. I told her that I almost called her Saturday for the concert. She told me that I should have. She was out partying with her brothers for one of thier b-day. Even if she wouldn't have gone, I could have joined them.

I'm going to have to start doing things that I want to do. And I'm ready to have a little fun in my life. Like I said to the kat and karen Saturday, I'm going to find that cool guy that I used to be.

I'm not looking to BE with someone.

I'm just looking to be.

Maybe I just don't know WHAT the hell I'm saying!

Me thinks I think too much

[whatdidido]

Sorry, but I call B.S. on that. Methinks you are lying to yourself about the reasons you want to go out with the girls. Go out with guys if you want to go out. You are still married and if/when you aren't you need time to heal alone or with male friends. You aren't looking for a realtionship, yet you are wanting to go out with women who ARE???????????????????? You will repeat the cycle you have been on. You told us once how you went from your home to relationship to relationship. Codependence was brought up. You will have problems in another relationship if you begin one too soon. You don't need SOMEONE to make you happy. You need to make yourself happy. Thus why many people told you to GAL right away for YOU. It is attractive to women to have a strong, happy man who is not dependent on THEM for their happiness. H4h, the pain you are feeling right now is what my H felt when we separated as well, but he loved me all along, never swaying from that no matter what.

[whatdidido]

Give her the packet of Retro stuff and say what you said you would. That sounds fine. I would also say, "You may think our marriage is hopeless, and to come back to it would only create more pain for the kids and you, but if you look at this information you will see that may not be true. I hope you give our family the chance they deserve to see if this is possible."

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Sunday, she alluded to the fact that she thinks that I am taking the situation really hard. Like I am grasping at things like photos and momentos to hold on to her. That she knows how hard I'm taking it.

H4H, a comment on this, if you don't mind . . .

This is NOT the reaction and observation for which you are striving. What you're shooting for (and, admittedly, it's a tough dance) is something along the lines of "I know I hurt him, and I can tell he still loves me, but MAN, does he seem strong and confident . . . not like I've seen him in a long long time . . . he seems like he's going to be okay with this, and yet would take me back if I decided soon."

Trust me, the "puppy dog" look is NOT what you're going for. I think it's fine (and even preferable) to let them know at the bomb drop of your emotional devastation, and then once or twice throughout your ordeal, and then maybe once more as D day looms . . . but that's it.

We simply can't afford to indulge ourselves in that sympathy, although I KNOW FROM EXPERIENCE THAT IT FEELS DAMNED GOOD.

Just a thought.

Puppy