JUST USED LRT-WHAT DO I DO NOW???

[Sanderika]

Thank you sg,

I trust all that you folks tell me....You have a lot of experience here.

My sitch is very sad to me...I have spelled it out on the board in my posts. I would appreciate it of you would read some of it. There are a lot of similarities and then quite a few unique things in my MLC experience.

I was troubled and depressed when my H left me in 8/2005. I was so withdrawn from my life that I repeatedly over and over and over denied my H sex with me at all. He said that my depression was rubbing off on him and it was a place he didn't want to live. H admitted that he was having more days depressed than not. Claimed he hated my guts and couldn't stand to be near me at all. H had already found the OW when he dropped the bomb. H is still with the same OW.

I immediately did a 360 in about 30 days....I snapped out of my funk with pure determination and hard work everyday. I knew it was my only chance to get H back.

I began by treating those who crossed my path with a smile and a friendly voice and an honest caring and nurturing style.

I immediately realized that it was a chore to be depressed and mean and unhappy. It was such an eye opener for me when I realized that it was easier to be a nice, friendly person.

I changed my actions in the way that I walked around and handled everyday objects. I did not use as much haste and I stopped being slammy.

I totally changed my style of appearance from very casual and somewhat frumpy to very stylish and a figure flattering, sexy, colorful younger look. (Always tasteful though...not over the top provocative) I highlighted my hair and started to wear it down and long instead of always in a ponytail. I got fashionable shoes and jewelry. MY H NOTICED IMMEDIATELY. IN SEPT. 2005 he went to the county and got his own divorce papers. My behaviors and new appearance changed his mind and halted the D. Those papers are still sitting in the same place in his office virtually untouched. MY PROBLEM IS THE OW IS STILL HERE AND HIS LOVE FOR HER GREW AND HIS EGO GREW RIGHT ALONG AS WELL.

My H decided he loved her and not me somewhere along the way. Never wanted to D me though. NOT SURE THIS IS WHAT HE WANTS NOW EITHER.

I decided 3 years ago that I would treat H with Love, Kindness, Respect and Nurture him/us as much as I could possibly. H has kept me at arms length for the most part. H allows me into his world when he needs me not as a couple or when I need him. H has admitted that he has feelings for me and likes me very much but still does not think he is in a loving frame of mind with me.

We maintained our sexual relationship on a frequent basis from 1/3/06 thru 7/11/08. After 7/11 I felt H distancing himself from me. H has done this from time to time. This time it felt different.

I have treated H so well over the past 3 years. H still says that he does not trust me. H feels the "sanderika" he doesn't like is still just below the surface. I NOW HAVE PROBABLY PROVEN THAT IN HIS OPINION BY MY ACTIONS OVER THIS PAST 2 WEEKS. I BET HE WOULD SAY, SHE'S BACK JUST BECAUSE I HAVE IMPLIED TO HIM I WILL FILE. Whenever I cross his path and do something he doesn't like he claims this.

I asked him why he has stayed in my life over the past 3 years and he has said it was so he could watch me. I think he was keeping a close eye on my behaviors to see if I would regress back to depression. I will not. I will never live that way again. I like the "sanderika" when she is not depressed.

OH this could go on and on....My story is 3 years old. There is so much to tell, so much has happened.

I need help now. I am afraid if I file it will be the end of my marriage for sure. I want good reliable advice. I do not want wrong advice. I worry that even going to a lawyer could be the nails in my coffin.

I am unravelling fast....I am a wreck. I have woken up every night in the past 3 weeks having very severe panic attacks. I can't sleep well. I am having trouble shaking this from my every thoughts. I am not eating well. I am sooooooo scared.

Thank you.....

Sanderika