If I go, I will be hoping that H will see me in a good light, and think. If I don't go, I will not be going to avoid the uncomfortable situation of being with H. It would be out of character for me to want to put myself in an awkward situation, so if I go, it would in a way be a 180 for me. Would I have fun if I went, probably. There will be enough alcohol there to get me through anything, and make anything fun. If I don't go, I'll continue to wonder if going was the right thing to do.
See how screwed up I am???????????
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
Well, the answer was not to go. There were a few e-mail exchanges that led to references to us going to the party together. I suppressed the urge to go, with my main focus on having time with H. I told H that I decided not to go because I would feel like we were pretending like we were together which was not healthy for any of us. I know, bad DBing.
I don't know if I got through to him, or if it means anything, but he is making a trip to see his best friend today. At least that was the plan last night. I just CANNOT believe that this new life he is leading is worth turning his back on me, his best friend and his mother. I so hope he sees that. I want to ask him if he thinks it is worth it. I want to ask if he plans to divorce me and marry HER and raise her two kids!!! I also want to tell him that if he is living in a fairy tale and has plans to move his new family close to his old one------we will be moving to Florida!!! Could an intelligent, at one time rational human being, really BELIEVE that a married woman willing to bed a married man is worth giving up your whole life for??? UGHHHHH!!!!!!
Ok, enough. Tomorrow is my birthday. A new year for me.
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
Happy Birthday..........to me...................Today I'm 43 years old. I still don't have a life other than my H and my kids. I'm failing at detaching, I'm beginning to lose hold of the rope.
H did make a quick trip to visit his best friend. His wife has not e-mailed to let me know if there was any talk. He brought the kids back to me last night, so I could have them for my birthday. I went to the garage to feed the dogs and noticed that he took them out to buy me a birthday present. He also told D15 to take care of something before she went to bed..trying to quietly refer to something about my present. He was in a good mood...........as usual like nothing has changed except that he left for his own house last night.
I've let my mind wander more than it should. I've been thinking of the last 2+ years.........thinking of the e-mail he's written blaming our problems on everything, but the truth. Saying he just couldn't work on US, etc. Feeling pretty down and betrayed as I think of the truth. I wonder if he comes out of this and wants to return, how will I trust him again??? Do I want to trust him again?? Wish there was a sign of hope. Wish there was a magical way to see into the future.
Today I'm going to take the kids and get that YMCA membership I've been talking about for too long. With the house remodel, my treadmill and weights are in a storage trailer----so even if I were motivated to work-out, it would be pretty hard. So, my birthday present to myself (well, yet another one).
H said he would be here this morning to talk to the contractor. Still pretending like he's living here as far as the contractor is concerned. Don't know why..........There really is only one thing I want for my birthday......................
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
Go out and spoil yourself today and use this day to appreciate the good things you do have in your life...your kids, your family, your friends, etc...you do have more of a life than you give yourself credit for. You can even appreciate that your H is still trying to make sure you have a nice birthday...there are many WASs that don't acknowledge the LBSs birthday in any way.
If I could give you a birthday gift, it would be the ablitiy to focus on what you do have rather than what you don't.
I am a DB failure.......I invited H to go to dinner with us. He went. For the most part it was a good evening. He hugged me goodbye........I held on for awhile.............I wish he would talk to me............
It's going to take a lot longer for me to not make everything about H..........he's been everything to me for 29 years.....Exactly why I am in this position---needing to GAL, not knowing who I am or what I want.
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
Why would inviting him to dinner be a DB failure???
I invited FW to dinner all the the time while we were apart. As long as you don't bring up touchy subjects at dinner (R talk, OW, etc) and keep it light and fun then everything should be OK.
Just make sure to be fun and upbeat and act "as if" if you go to dinner with him again. Show him your changes, put on makeup and sexy clothes, etc etc. Let him get a little taste of what he is missing just stay away from heavy subjects.
BFM
There is only one person who could ever make you happy, and that person is you. David Burns, Intimate Connections
