JUST USED LRT-WHAT DO I DO NOW???

[job]

S,
Take a deep breath and sit down for a bit. Your h is playing the game called "control". He's controlling you and the situation by withholding your check and also planting the seeds of anxiety in your mind. Walk, do not run, to your lawyer and get your financial support put into place. They will promise you the moon and be extremely nice for a while....but then...when they think you are going to confront them or threaten their purse strings or their independence, they then will turn on you and become ugly. My first advice to each and every poster is get your finances in order as soon as possible and do not rely on them for anything. Why? The person you knew before is gone and the person you are communicating w/now is the mirror image of the man you once knew.

BTW, your fil didn't help your situation by talking to him about what is going on. The less you tell his family, the better.

[naej]

Sanderika, I posted only the other day that one of the first pieces of advice I recieved when I came here was exactly what Snod has just said-in fact it was probably her who told me-of course I knew better -my h would never hurt me financially---how wrong was I, and he wasn't anywhere near as bad as some stories I have read.
Please take her advice to heart and protect yourself.

[Sanderika]

Hi Ladies,

I have a lawyers appointment on 8/25 @ 3:00pm. I guess that qualifies as walking to the office not running as snodderly suggests. This is still two weeks away from now. I am working on putting some files together to have concrete information to have a starting point to go from.

I am only going as a fact finding mission. I am not sure I want to hire this guy. I want to go to a lawyer who will have my H hanging by his b*lls from a tree for all to see what a stupid man H is. I don't want a wishy washy lawyer. If I am forced to do this it had better be worth my aggravation, time and pain.

SNODDERLY AND NAEJ,

What are you saying exactly about me now confronting his independence, finances, etc...Why would H now become ugly and mean to me? His actions and choices are creating this confrontation. H should be happy I am putting an end to this disgust SO HE CAN BE independent and free of this sitch. This is what he wants isn't it?

He has OW and no one will get in his way with a D. Me and his S12 will not be a problem for H anymore. Why be mean to me and S12? We have not done one thing wrong to this man. How can he treat us like we are his biggest problem?

I have been very kind to him through all this. I have been his friend, business partner, responsible parent to his S w/o H help at all in 3 years. I have stayed sexually active with H. My home has remained open to him and I have fed him countless times out of love and kindness. He has kept in constant contact with us, as his choice, I never forced encounters with H. Why now be very mean to us? We do not deserve to be cut off financially. Perhaps OW is guiding his bad choices about this issue.

If H wants to control me, what is his gain and agenda?

I will not speak to any in-laws again unless it regards S.

I am so confused about this newest turn of events.

Some experienced DB advice and thoughts would help.

Thank you all.....

[job]

S,
My advice still stands. Seek the advice of a good lawyer and then go from there. I will emphasize this--do not believe one word that your h promises to do for you from this day forward. He's most likely getting ready to enter the "entitlement" phase, whereby the rules of the game will change.

I strongly urge you to read the MLC resources postings and the postings of others on this board. We all have been where you are at right now and a large majority of them do turn a bit ugly as they progress along the crisis. It's nothing you did or didn't do, it's just part of the process. Just remember, when you begin to push or question him, he will perceive that as pursuit and will begin to push back. They do not like to be questioned or reminded of things they've not done.

Educate yourself on depression and what the symptoms are and the best advice--protect your financial holdings and assets as quickly as you can. If at all possible, leave him alone and try to keep the focus on you and your son. Your h has been stagnant for a while, but appears to be on the move once again.

[Sanderika]

Snodderly,

Thank you, I know you have been on the board a long time...

Please define "entitlement" phase. As in a MLC where does this send H. What happens now in the game?

If H is on the move....Where is he headed in this next phase????

Perhaps other's sitchs would help me, can you point me to some that might mirror mine and offer me a plan. I will see a lawyer asap, I will call tomorrow and bump up my appt. to sooner than 2 weeks from now.

Why should I get edu. on depression? I spent 2 years there prior to my H leaving and I can remember it vividly. I do not want to go there again. I assume you want me to watch myself, right? I have a med. doctor and an IC that watch me closely. They have been by my side for all of the three years.

I appreciate you....thank you.....

Sanderika

[Sanderika]

Snodderly,

Can you give me a "list of phases" a spouse generally goes through in a MLC. I understand that most MLC flip flop thru the phases. But I would like a tool to recognize them better.

I am in desperate help now...My marriage is probably now a lost cause, don't you think? I am scared like I was during the first 4 months of this.

I am thinking not a lot of marriages can survive this turn in the road especially when there is an OW also adding fuel to H's fire.

Thank you....Sanderika

[BarbieDoll]

Sanderika: I am SO sorry that your H is showing you his true colours. He was always capable of cutting off funds. It is how he controls you. And now he knows you are thinking of filing - he thinks he might be able to stop you by cutting off money. Honey - this is all the more reason to get to the lawyer and get something in writing. YOU are entitled to half the business. And your H knows it. In all the D stuff - knowledge is power. Not about OW - that means nothing these days. Adultery doesn't count except in the first year, at least here in Canada. The courts do not care. But they do care about support and fair entitlements.

Document what he is doing and saying. Make sure your L knows all about it and get him to get a court order forcing H to pay ASAP. Stash any funds that you can because courts take time.

Now how do you feel about your lying, cheating H? Is this the man you would want? One that doesn't care about your welfare or that of your child?

I could have written everything that you have. It has all happened to me as well.

Sounds like you live near me. We have had the rainiest summer in history. Our school starts on Sept 2 as well. I go back to work in Sept too. I get the summer off - lucky me - I've been at the cottage.

Your H is trying to show you that he means business. You will need to be businesslike in future dealings with him as well. Now is when you really have to dig your heels in, get all your ducks in a row and show him you know your rights and you mean business too.

It sucks. I know all about it. But try to cast the emotion aside while you make the best deal for your future that you can.

Barb

[sgctxok]

Hi Sanderika,

I am sorry he is doing this to you.

I do not want you focusing on phases. Use them as tidbits if it helps you, but there are no absolutes with those phases.

LOTS of marriages survive these situations. Not easily. But it is done.

I haven't read your WHOLE situation. What changes have you made? What were his complaints? (please click notify again---I am horrendously busy this week....but I do want to get back to you. my brain is a sieve though, so please 'remind me' with the notify)


I know brandnewday's story and have seen a good deal of her advice. you are in good hands with her as well...


THIS IS NOT DB ADVICE, MY PERSONAL OPINION:
I am glad you are going on a fact-finding mission with lawyers.
Get all the information you can, and if you make any agreements, get them in writing. You do need to protect yourself...

[brandnewday]

Sanderika,

In a nutshell, your Husband is all about "ME"

He earns the money, he can keep the money and spend it however he chooses to do so.

He doesn't owe you an explanation, he is all grown up now and doesn't need his "Mommy" telling him how to live his life.

This is not about being fair or doing the right thing.

This is his way of being an independant Man.

Any promises he has made to you don't mean diddly.

Forget about the Man you knew, this is the new and improved MLC'er doing his own thing.

They will do things that will blow your mind and you need to protect yourself financially, especially since you have a child together.

Consider this a business arrangement, nothing personal.

You are protecting your investment from a client that has gone temporarily insane.

Seperate accounts, take his name off of your Credit Cards, and remove your name from his.

I called each of my Creditors and any cards that we shared, I reported them as lost, so the accounts would be closed. The new cards arrived to my address, so he never received them.

He did however apply for new cards in his name only, but I had proof of when he left the State to protect myself.

My Husband cashed out his whole retirement, money we had saved for years. When he did finally return, we had nothing left. Only bills which he had made during his adventure in lala land.

Sanderika, I am not trying to scare you, but I was also warned very early on in the game, and I didn't catch on until alot of damage had already been done.

I thought my Husband would be different then the others. He knew how hard we had both worked and because we had children I always thought in his head he would put their needs first. That didn't happen.

Seek legal advice, write down everything the Lawyer tells you and do NOT share it with your Husband. Act as if you don't know anything, it helps if they feel as though they are still in control, they are less defensive that way.

And most importantly, Breathe, it helps, honestly.

(((((((hugs)))))))

[Sanderika]

Thank you Barb...

Why would H stop me from filing? This is what H wants isn't it?
H is with OW for the past 3 years...all his actions and choices are for the detriment of the marriage not to nurture it.

This choice of mine is supposed to free H to move on with the OW and rid our lives of this massive burden. Why would H want to stop it now?

I am going to bump up my appt. with lawyer, will let you know when it is.

I am in Maine, this is a no fault state. Supposedly H's actions and choices will not be recognized here. Only recognized reason for filing is irreconcileable differences. It is also an equitable division state which means "what's fair is not always 50/50". I have been to a lawyer twice in the past 3 years for advice and have learned a few things, the last time was in March when H insisted on a D and kicked me out of my daily duties at our company.

I do have a well documented history of the events over the past 3 years.

I am way too emotional about this whole thing. A lawyer will deal with my H for me so I won't have to.

I wonder what or who gave H the idea to cut me off....Can't believe H decided this one on his own. I think it will be a very stupid action on H part in the eyes of the court.

Barb, you asked me how I feel about him? Sad to have to say, I love him with all my heart. I still want to save this marriage. I want to tell him so.....but won't. I just think, OMG 29.5 years, OMG....How and Why do these things happen to such good and wonderful people?

If H is trying to show me he means business what is his next move likely to be: NO CONTACT (won't get in touch w/ me to discuss it) FOLLOW THRU & CONTINUE TO W/H FUNDS (be an a$$ to us as he does) TRY TO STOP ME (by making nice and friendly when he returns tomorrow or Thurs.)

At this point if we both flex our muscles...a D is probable.

We are both pretty close to this emotionally. Mine because I want the marriage. I think his because he wants all the assets.

Thank you, Barb....