Here something that I have been putting together on a word document. Everytime I find something new and interesting I just add to it.
MANDATORY DO'S WHEN DIVORCE BUSTING 1. Be patient. Time is an assest even when it seems to be killing you. 2. Listen carefully to what your spouse is REALLY saying to you. 3. Learn quickly that anger is your enemy 4. Learn quickly to backoff, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out. 5. Take care of yourself. Exercise, sleep, laugh, and focus on all the other chances in your life that are not in turmoil. 6. Be cool, strong, confident and speak softly. 7. Know that if you can do a 180, your smallest consistent actions will be noticed much more than ANY words you can say or write. 8. Read as much as you can on this subject MANDATORY DON'T's WHEN DIVORCE BUSTING 1. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more then ever in your whole life and are desperate and needy. 2. Do not focus on your self when communicating with your spouse. 3. Do not believe any of what you hear and less then 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute neagatives because they are hurting and they are scared. 4. Do not fall into the "green eggs and ham" trap. (see Dr. Suess for clarity) 5. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. 6. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. ««If your efforts to save your marriage haven't been paying off, it's logical that you eventually start to question your motives for wanting your marriage to survive. I might do the same thing if I were in your shoes. It helps you to feel some sense of control and makes the hurt lessen somewhat. However, from my perspective, unless there is physical violence or chronic substance abuse which is intolerable, I would prefer you look at it differently. There are lots of great reasons to try to restore love in a relationship, especially when there are children involved. Even if your marriage was lacking before the threat of divorce, there are good reasons to try to bring love into the marriage. You have been doing the right and honorable thing. You husband hasn't. You have been wise, your husband hasn't been. Rather than give up your morals and values and question why a person would want to save a marriage, I suggest you tell yourself that you've been nobly fighting for something that is worth fighting for. However, for some people, when the fight is unbearable, they decide that it's time to quit. That is an individual decision. If you're at that place, you are entitled to feel that way. You need to follow your heart- not because working on your marriage isn't worth it, but because your husband is currently too self-centered to recognize the benefits of making marriage work. That happens. There wouldn't be a 50% divorce rate if it didn't happen. Hi there! When doing the LR, and your spouse sparks some interest, the rule of thumb is NOT to be overly responsive. Michele Weiner Davis says: --Be loving in return, but NOT overly excited or enthusiastic. --Accept some invitations to spend time together, but not all. --Do not ask questions about your future together. --Be vague when asked questions about the changes in you. --Continue to be upbeat. --Do not say, "I love you." --Resist getting into conversations about your marriage. --Beat your spouse to the punch when it comes time to leave an activity.
You need to continue to stay cool until you're absolutely certain that your spouse wants you back. You may get overly excited with your spouse's sudden interest in you. However, don't show it. Continue the LR, and stop pursuing behaviors. If you don’t it will backfire.
8)If she ever hints that there is a small chance that you could work things out, treat the situation with extreme care. Show genuine gratitude for their bravery in telling you this, comfort them by letting them know that your scared too. DON’T TAKE THE MONEY AND RUN, but certainly pay soft attention to it. Never say or do anything that makes them embarrassed or ashamed for wanting to change their mind. A good question, indeed and here's the answer. I do a great deal of training for marriage therapists. I teach them that it is a cardinal sin to continue to see 2 people who have divergent goals for their marriage conjointly precisely for the reasons you're suggesting. Let me explain. If the therapist sees both spouses together and they disagree about the future of their marriage, over time their disagreements and differences will become even greater. Here's why. When therapy begins, the therapist wants to know what the goal is. Person A states s/he wants to stay married and offers reasons for this position. Person B, hearing this, feels the need to let the therapist know about his or her ambivalence about the marriage and offers a somewhat negative view of things. When Person A hears this perspective, s/he counters by sharing positive memories or thoughts about the marriage, which triggers person B to dredge up even more pessimistic thoughts and feelings. By the end of the session, or several sessions, things escalate to the point of the couple being completely polarized, even more so than when they started! There's a better way. I see spouses separately. This way, I can help the pro-marriage person strategize about a better, more effective way to try to turn things around IN THE ABSENCE OF THE OTHER SPOUSE. I can give the reluctant partner time to voice concerns or negative feelings about the marriage and make sure this spouse feels heard and understood. Once people truly feel understood, they often give themselves permission to look at things with more of an open mind. Reluctant spouses when seen alone often tell me, "Well, things aren't that bad, but I didn't want to say this before in his/her presence because I didn't want him/her to get his/her hopes up." But the fact of the matter is that once the words have been uttered- "Things aren't that bad," the dye is cast. It's a good thing. I thank this spouse for his/her honesty and send the person home focusing on some individually-oriented goal. We work toward saving the marriage slowly and subtly. The long and the short of it is that you can't talk "honestly" about your feelings in therapy if your spouse has half a foot out the door. It doesn't work. Another option is that the DBing spouse continues for therapy alone, not for "saving the marriage" but under the guise of working on personal goals. Then, of course, working on the marriage singlehandedly becomes the goal.
««««Couple don't divorce - families do!! ««««Children of divorcees reveal, "My parents' divorce is an emptiness that never goes away. Like a hole in my heart." ««««Too many people are pointing the blame at somebody else. ««««Getting rid of your spouse will not put an end in the hopeless sadness and pain. At the end of the day, you'll probably miss your partner. Or if you have children, you'll need to compromise on things, plus there's family gatherings. You'll never really get rid of the other. ««««Walk-Aways Wives assume that their Hs are to blame for the lack in their own lives - as individuals. ««««Your partner wasn't making you unhappy. The truth is, the way you were interacting was making you unhappy. (So you need to make a concerted effort to stop the bad habits, or you'll repeat the same mistakes next time! You will have to change. So why not try it out now - while you have a marriage!) ««««All relationships have conflicts. ««««If you decide to remary or venture in a new relationship, you're trading a set of annoying habits for a new one. No one's perfect. ««««Being single is not the joyride. There is fear of rejection, fear of STDs. Also struggles on trust issues. ««««As Michele reveals, "Women after age 30 are less likely than men to remarry. Men, on the other hand, are marrying younger women." Therefore, there exists a shortage of available, single people who are above the age of 30.
1.Don't panic, no one ever made a great decision when in panic. You WILL panic, it's natural, but take NO ACTION when you are in that state. You have to do whatever it takes to calm down before you can tackle ANYTHING.
2. Don't depair. No-one ever got divorced in a week. Divorce, although too easy these days still take time. you DO have time to turn things about.
3. You first step is not to rebuild your R. Of course it's your ultimate aim but it's not going to happen first. Your very first step is to put the seed of doubt in WAS's mind. They have been unhappy and they consider D to be the answer. It's your job to show them that maybe there is an alternative. And I stress show. There is little you can do to talk them out of this beyond sympathising with their unhappiness and saying that IF D will make them happy then you won't stand in their way. If they are receptive to that, you could go further and say something like "we have had many good times together. Please think about this and make sure it really will make you happy. It's a lot to throw away".
4. Once you have said this back off and let them consider it. They need time. Your next step is GAL - no begging, crying or anger AT ALL. Your task is now part 2 of sowing the seeds of doubt about D - SHOWING WAS that things can be different. Now is the time to step back, put aside your ego and all thoughts of how unfair it all is (that just leads to bitterness, which is poison to a M) and REALLY look at yourself and decide if you are worthy of being WAS's spouse. I agree a M breakdown is rarely one sided but at this juncture it's more useful to look at your contribution. Look at yourself. Under a microscope. Decide if you've changed - are you happy with yourself, for you? Make changes. Now is the time for 180's. This stage also takes a long time too.
5. Time, time, time - it really IS on your side. The situation will not resolve as quickly as you hope. Don't compare your situation in terms of time with others'. It's very tempting to say "well, their situation is similar to mine and it took them 6 months so it will take me 6 months". Each situation is unique and needs its own timeframe.
6. Set your goals and decide on your first signs. This part took me a couple of months to really "get". I had to REALLY read chapter 6 of DR from "I'm discouraged" then go and review my goals before I saw any results.
7. Develop a duck's back - water slides off it. Patience + lack of panic = success.
8. Set goals for yourself as well as the R. Decide on what you want to achieve for you alone and reward your success. I know this sounds like step 4 again but it's more a case of making the changes rather than lamenting how awful you are. (I felt awful about myself for some time - bad and guilty. I did me no favours whatsoever, ended up with me feeling resentment. Much better to look forward than back - as Michelle says, look for solutions and take action)
9. Keep in mind that your actions could be frightening to WAS - you are not reacting in the way they wanted. They had this D all mapped out in their head and it's not panning out the way they thought. This has the added benefit that it leads them to think "if this isn't going the way I planned then maybe it isn't right", but it will take them a LONG TIME to come to this conclusion, to let go of their D comfort blanket. You can help them by being consistent with the positive changes. If you revert back to the you they find unacceptable then they feel perfectly justified in continuing with the D.
10. This is going to be tough on you. In the ideal world, couples in crisis would sit down together and negotiate together and accept that change was possible. In reality, you are very unlikely to resolve your problem in this way, almost certianly not in the early stages. You are not giong to have the luxury of a spouse who will listen to you and accept what you say. You are going to be in extreme pain. You have to find something to soothe this. To have your WAS would work like a shot, but you ain't going to get this in a hurry. Do whatever it takes to comfort yourself - write a diary, see friends, go places, take the kids out if you have them, take exercise - anything. Your aim is to find something which makes you say "well, the rest of my life may be turning to sh*t but at least this part of it’s OK”. It acts as time out for you and relieves the stress.
cz946, since you replied to one of my posts, I thought I'd return the favor! I can't say for sure what your wife would prefer in regards to you fighting for her, but in reading your posts, she reminds me so much of me right now that it's scary! The bottom line is, we WAW's are emotional basketcases who pretty much don't know top from bottom on most days. I sometimes feel like I am literally walking around in a fog most of the time. Sometimes I am so relieved to be on my own, and other times I will start crying for no apparent reason at all. Sometimes I want so badly to go home and start over, and sometimes I just know I've made the right choice in leaving. What I have really wanted from my husband is the right combination of space and time spent together. I never turned him down the two times he invited me to dinner, even though he has turned me down on numerous occasions when I wanted to do something with him. I would recommend letting her set the pace - I know it's maddening and it seems incredibly unfair, but in my situation, where it's felt like I have been out of control forever, that little bit of control somehow makes me feel a little more worthy.
As far as her pulling back after getting a little closer, I also find myself doing that. Even though I love spending time with my husband, it oftentimes confuses me more because I'm the one who left. I shouldn't want to be with him and yet I do. I don't want him to get the idea that I'm coming back home when I don't know yet if I am, so I pull away to prevent him from getting his hopes up too high. As women, we generally tend to put other people's needs and feelings ahead of our own - this is why being a WAW is so confusing for us. For probably the first time in my life, I'm doing something that is selfish and entirely for me (or so I think) and it goes against everything in my nature to be this way. The truth is, we don't like hurting our husbands because we do still love them, and even though we're not sure we believe things will change, we're not sure if we are ready to let go of that love yet either...
Faithful Fathers -
This devotional is dedicated to the faithful fathers standing for the healing of their marriages and families. In the modern world, you are a rare breed. I applaud your willingness to stand in spite of incredible circumstances coming against you. God is on your side. He is pleased with your obedience to His commands. As Christ laid down His life for sinners, you are laying down your life for the salvation of your spouse and children. May the Lord bless you and keep you, crowning your selfless efforts with the healing of your home.
"Where there is no revelation, the people cast off restraint; but blessed is he who keeps the law." Proverbs 29:18
In the midst of marital difficulties, it is hard to see God's blessings. God promises to bless those who keep his laws. Do not lose sight of this promise. Cling to it with your every breath. God has given you a vision for your family; a family restored to all that He intends for it to be. It is through the family that faith in God is passed on to future generations. Can you not see the role you have in furthering the faith? No family, no faith. Many doubt God's willingness and desire to restore marriages and families. God views your family as being precious in His sight, "a little church," passing on the Gospel to generations to come. Do you think it is God's will for this to be destroyed? NEVER! Do not listen to the lies of the devil. God's plan for the salvation of His children is dependent upon strong, healthy and holy families.
"Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good." Romans 12:9
Cling to what is good in the eyes of God. He is the creator of marriage. It is VERY good in His sight. Hate the ploys of the evil one to destroy families. Satan wants families to be broken so that God's plan for salvation will fail. Fathers, you have to fight with your very life for the healing of your marriage. You are part of God's plan of salvation. Do not lose hope nor give up. Future generations depend on your heroic acts for the salvation of your family.
"Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word. . .'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.' This is a profound mystery – but I am talking about Christ and the church." Ephesians 5:25, 31-32
Husbands, give your lives for the cleansing of your wives. As Christ gave His life for you to make you holy, so are you making your wives holy through your sacrifice for the healing of your families. Your family is holy ground; representing Christ's unbreakable love for the Church. The family covenant cannot be broken. It can be ignored but it cannot be broken.
"Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God – this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is – his good, pleasing and perfect will." Romans 12:1-3
Do not conform yourselves to the world view of family (disposable). Seek the higher ground. Stand firm and never give up! God will bless you beyond anything imaginable. Trust in God's plan for your family and do not lose hope. His love endures forever!
"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." Ephesians 3:20-21
Faithful fathers are hard to find today. May your wife see you for the blessed gift that you are to her and your family. Wishing you a very blessed Father's Day!
Separation and divorce is a thorn in the flesh, a constant aching reminder that Satan has broken that which is holy in the eyes of the Lord. In my own situation, I had become very self-sufficient in life, leaving little room for God. God used the breakup of my family as a 'thorn' to remind me of my constant need for Him in both good times and in bad.
HEALING OR DOUBT?
"For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved." Romans 10:10
Are you speaking words of health and healing for your marriage or are you speaking words of doubt and unbelief? The mouth is a powerful tool in the stand for your marriage. The Bible has much to say about the tongue. It can bring healing or destruction. Are you telling everyone the horrible things your prodigal spouse is doing in the far country? Are you speaking doubt about God's ability to restore your marriage? If so, how do you expect to receive anything from the Lord?
"Your own mouth condemns you...your own lips testify against you." Job 15:5
"If anyone considers himself religious and yet does not keep a tight rein on his tongue, he deceives himself and his religion is worthless." James 1:26
I receive e-mails weekly that denounce God's ability to heal and restore marriages. These e-mails detail a litany of ill behavior of the part of an absent spouse. These individuals then ask, "Why is God not listening to my prayers? Why am I not receiving my miracle?"
"You use your mouth for evil and harness your tongue to deceit." Psalm 50:19
As you speak, so it will be. If you are speaking evil, evil will befall you. If you are speaking health, hope and healing, you will receive it in turn. Speaking ill of your absent spouse is SIN in the eyes of the Lord.
"When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise. The lips of the righteous nourish many, but fools die for the lack of judgement." Proverbs 10:19, 21
"Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing." Proverbs 12:18
What then should you be proclaiming with your lips? You need to be singing praises to the Lord. You need to be speaking promises from His Word regarding your marriage. Your lips should be filled with words of hope and healing!
"As long as I have life within me, the breath of God in my nostrils, my lips will not speak wickedness, and my tongue will utter no deceit." Job 27:4
"My tongue will speak of your righteousness and of your praises all day long." Psalm 35:28
"The mouth of the righteous man utters wisdom, and his tongue speaks what is just." Psalm 37:30
God will not hear the prayers of one who is speaking evil against their spouse. You need to be continually praising God for the mighty work he is doing in your family, transforming it day by day, into what he would have it be.
"Come and listen, all you who fear God; let me tell you what he has done for me. I cried out to him with my mouth; his praise was on my tongue. If I had cherished sin in my heart, the Lord would not have listened; but God has surely listened and heard my voice in prayer." Psalm 66:19
Regardless of the evil things your wayward spouse may be doing, you need to pray for God's blessings upon her.
"Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing. For, 'Whoever would love life and see good days must keep his tongue from evil and his lips from deceitful speech. He must turn from evil and do good; he must seek peace and pursue it. For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous and his ears are attentive to their prayer, but the face of the Lord is against those who do evil.'" 1 Peter 3:9-12
Pray these scriptures asking the Lord to control your tongue so that your days will be blessed.
"May my tongue cling to the roof of my mouth if I do not remember you" Psalm 137:6
"Set guard over my mouth, O Lord; keep watch over the door of my lips." Psalm 141:3
"May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in you sight, O Lord, my rock and my Redeemer." Psalm 19:14
My prayer for you this week is that your mouth will be filled with healing and praise for a restored marriage.
God bless you, O mighty man of God!
~ Lord, please show me how to find the time to store your commands within my mind. As I turn my ear to Your wisdom, help me to apply my heart to doing things YOUR way. I know you are the giver of wisdom; help me to hear what you want me to learn even if I don't always understand Your ways, or why you allow certain things to happen in my married life. I want to trust you with my whole heart. Please help me. I know that as I trust in You, You have promised me that You will make my paths straight. Thank You. (Based on Proverbs 2:1-6 and Proverbs 3:5-6.)
~ Lord, help me so that "love and faithfulness" never leaves me, no matter what happens within my marriage. Show me how to bind them around my neck and to wear them around the tablet of my heart so they protect me. Help me to guard my heart from the temptations that are all around me. You know my weaknesses, but so does the enemy of my faith. I don't want to do things that would dishonor You or my marriage vows. I want to be a promise keeper, just as You are a promise keeper. Give me discernment when temptation is waiting to ambush me. I don't want to stumble into that which will snare me into sin. Help me to "preserve sound judgment and discernment" and not to let them out of my sight, for I know they will be life for me. I know that "there is a way that seems right" but that it can lead to death. Help me not to go there. For you are my confidence and you are able to keep my foot from being snared. Thank You Lord. (Based on Proverbs 2:11-12, Proverbs 3:3, Proverbs 2:212-26, Proverbs 4:23.)
~ Sometimes I say things I shouldn't. Help me to "let no unwholesome thing" come from my mouth, but only what is helpful" for building my spouse and children up, rather than tearing them down. I acknowledge that I am not my spouse's Holy Spirit. That is Your position. I do not want to grieve You, or say things what will cause more damage to my marriage relationship, rather than help it. I know that the "tongue of the righteous nourishes" and "spreads knowledge." Help me to "speak the truth in love" when it will benefit the situation rather than contaminate it. I don't want to be a fool who lacks judgment and speaks in haste. I know that discernment, and the timing, and tone of my words are as important as what I say. Thank You, and help me Lord. (Based on Ephesians 4:15 and Ephesians 4:29, Proverbs 29:20, Proverbs 10:21 and Proverbs 10:32.)
~ Money, Lord, I know that loving it is the "root of all kinds of evil" because it has caused many to wander from the faith and pierced themselves with grief. So I don't want to place a higher value on it than You know is best or would condone. But sometimes it causes problems in our marriage when our expenses seem to be higher than the money we have available each month. You promise to meet all our needs "according to Your riches in Christ Jesus." If one of us is spending more than we should, or if we need to look further into how to expand our income, I pray that You will reveal this truth to us and help us to line our lives with Your will. You tell us not to worry about how our needs will be met. Help me Lord, not to worry and to release those things that I cannot change concerning our finances. I know that as I seek first Your kingdom and Your righteousness, You will give us the things we truly need. I need Your help in being "content whatever the circumstances." I know that "I can do all everything through Him who gives me strength." After all, You own it all, and if You deem that we should have more, it will be done. (Based on 1 Timothy 6:10, Philippians 4:19, Matthew 6:25-34, Philippians 4:11-13, Psalm 136.)
~ Heavenly Father, it is so difficult to forgive my spouse sometimes. But I know that I am not perfect either. I've fallen short of Your standards. And yet you love me and even sent Jesus to die for me while "I was yet a sinner." Help me to be as gracious to my spouse as you are to me. I know that if I forgive my spouse for the things that grieve my heart, and Yours as well, that you will forgive me for the things I have done that I shouldn't. I also know that if I refuse to forgive my spouse, it will poison my spirit as it starts as a bitter root defiling not only my marriage, but others I come in contact with. Help me Lord to let go of unforgiveness and to be in the center of Your will for my life. (Based on Romans 3:23, Romans 5:8, Hebrews 12:14-15, Matthew 6:14-15.) Many here say they are at a loss for what to pray. I wanted to post this prayer, if I may.
Restoration of Marriage
Heavenly Father I thank You that You will hear my prayer, for I come in the Name of Jesus and on the authority of Your Word. I come boldly to the throne of grace to receive mercy and find grace for your help in restoring my marriage. I take my place standing in the gap for my husband (wife) against the devil and his demons until the salvation of God is manifested in his (her) life. Father I have forgiven them of their sins and transgressions, just as you have forgiven me. I stand firm knowing that the Holy Spirit will convict and convince him (her) of their sin, unrighteousness and judgment.
Help me Lord to remain sane and sober-minded, temperate and disciplined because I love my husband (wife) and my children and I commit myself to them. May I steadfastly remain self-controlled, chaste, good-natured and kindhearted, adapting myself so the Word of God may not be exposed to reproach – blasphemed or discredited.
Heavenly Father, I pray that _____________, will be delivered from this present evil age by the Son of the Living God, and whom the Son has set free is free indeed (Galatians 1:4). I ask Lord that we be delivered from the spirit of rejection and accepted in the beloved to be holy and blameless in His sight (Colossians 3:12-15). Lord I come humbly before you and ask that You heal this broken marriage as Jesus came to heal the brokenhearted.
You have promised us in Your Word, that if we believe on the Lord Jesus Christ, that we will be saved, and also our household (Acts 16:31). Help us Lord to submit one to another as we submit ourselves to You.
Heavenly Father, I ask You to rebuke any plans of the enemy to keep this family from being together. We know Lord that satan comes to steal, kill and destroy but we stand firm and confident knowing that he has no power over You, Lord Jesus (John 10:10).
Thank You, Father, for hearing my prayer on behalf of this family as we strive for the love of God to reign supreme in our home, and for the peace of God to act as umpire in all situations.
As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord. (Joshua 24:15) May our family know that You are Lord, spirit, soul and body and that you watch over Your Word to perform it, in Jesus Name we pray (Acts 16:31).
Amen
God is in business of performing miracles, transforming lives, and healing broken hearts.
