Her head appears to be cloudy thats for sure. I mean, it is a crippling, horrible thing to have to drop her off after a great day and night of fun only to know she is going to be talking and saying God only knows what to this other guy in another country.
Hope4us:
I sort of have a plan and, in a strange way, I HAVE been following much of the advice laid out in Divorce Busting. Oddly, when I was consciously trying to get meets it didn't happen. After weeks and weeks of failure I reached the point where I was genuinely trying to move on I instantly got attention. Just weird.
Anyway, the DB tips I have put to use so far are:
Keeping my mouth shut about OM, affair in general and the 'past'
Pretending like I'm happy (or at least indifferent) and always concentrating and focusing on a fun and perky attitude (even when sometimes I want to scream WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!!!!)
Attempting to look after myself and develop my own life (sort of happening but social aspect has slowed down alot recently)
I think if I mention the OM at this point I will push her away. In fact, I'm certain of it. It is VERY difficult to know exactly what she feels she is gaining from all of this if not openly indicating that reconciliation is a very real possibility (in terms of her actions)
That aside, as I say, there is a deep-rooted fear and dread in my stomach every time I drop her off that I might suddenly get a phone call explaining all of this was a mistake and she doesn't want to continue etc.
Every time I drop her off I think that... and so far all she has done is the opposite. She just seems to be keeping me where she wants me and him where she wants him.
You are right... I can't let this go on that much longer. It is breaking me apart and sometime soon we are going to NEED to talk about things.
We have a couple more activities planned over the next two weeks. I think I shall go ahead with these, hope they happen and just enjoy myself with her.
After that.. I think in two or three weeks... I think then I am going to have to talk to her. I am dreading it.
I was wondering what people around here thought about the fact it is MOSTLY me who initiates/suggests times for dates?
My wife HAS suggested me visiting her for the night and expressed a desire to stay with me longer at times when I have had to leave. Still, it is nearly always me who suggests the time for the next meet.
Stop initiating. too much water being taken to the horse. Let the horse do some walking for once. I wouldn't spend the night or stay longer until this OM business gets settled
M 31 W 26 M 6 S 6 S 3 Separated 6/2008 Back together 10/2008 All you need is love
Stop initiating. too much water being taken to the horse. Let the horse do some walking for once. I wouldn't spend the night or stay longer until this OM business gets settled
M 31 W 26 M 6 S 6 S 3 Separated 6/2008 Back together 10/2008 All you need is love
Too late... we have spent several nights together now.
As for dates... we've already kind of arranged a couple of things so I guess that's set up for the next couple of weeks. Also, she phones quite often now. The content is good. Basically we just chat about her life and general problems as well as having a bit of a laugh.
All of this was literally UNTHINKABLE, totally and utterly unthinkable only as recently as a couple of months ago. Amazing really.
I think she really enjoys the physical part of things and, if I remember rightly, Divorce Busting acknowledges that physcial intimacy is often a strong communicative point for some couples. I guess it ALWAYS has been with us... that part of our relationship has always been very important to us and very strong.
well alright dude. Just don't get head over heels about it. Show some strength. Might be a good idea to keep some of your life private for now. Just in case, so the fall isn't so hard or long if it happens again
'with the power of soul, anything is possible'
M 31 W 26 M 6 S 6 S 3 Separated 6/2008 Back together 10/2008 All you need is love
There are always more options than it seems. Always. And that may be the only always.
Your wife's experience of you before the affair was not the best, her experience of you now is getting good. That needs to grow to a certain point for her ... probably ... before she'll give up the other guy.
I'm not a fan of the term cake-eating. It implies there is only one side to the story.
So...you need to build your friendship, build other aspects of the relationship before you would start the cutoffs.
It's fine, great if you initiate. It's not fine if you over-initiate. If she's accepting...it's working. Dont' try to fix the parts that aren't broken.
As the relationship grows, you want to test the waters. Pull back a bit....initiate less and see what she does. But not yet.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
Went out with the wife and child recently. We had a nice day out and it finished really well with both of us quite happy and contented I think.
She seemed genuinely affectionate at a few points throughout the day but particularly in the evening. We have been physically close for a while now but there has always seemed a part of her that is cut off emotionally. Now she seems to be letting a little part of that emotion back through but the 'big discussion' that is clearly going to have to happen at some point has remained avoided by both of us.
Today she phoned me at work and the topic was risen. She admitted that she has known for a while (over these last few weeks we have gone from not seeing each other at all to small and short dates to long dates with physical intimacy/sex/etc) that we are going to need to talk but that she has avoided it because she hasnt been sure what she wants to say.
The situation, as outlined above, is that I KNOW (although not sure she knows I know) that she is still talking and involved emotionally with the OM.
Now. She has stated today that we need to talk. I am crapping myself.
That said, she has also said that she thinks the fact we should talk is 'positive' and that she has enjoyed spending time together and wants to keep it going.
What I am afraid of is that she is going to balk as soon as I start to mention the OM. I can deal with space, I can deal with taking things slowly (e.g. not moving back in together straight away etc) but I CANNOT and DO NOT think I should have to deal with the fact that the OM remains a part of her life.
PLEASE HELP ME EVERYONE. PLEASE. I AM GOING TO NEED ADVICE AND IDEAS ON WHAT TO SAY IN THIS CONVERSATION.
I will answer any questions any of you have.
I feel this is going to be a turning point. I want to be prepared and do my best to put my case forward ... but with the best possible chance of maintaining the steadily growing contact with my wife.
I wanted to add that as much of our progress has been positive it is constantly tempered with cause for concern. For instance: my wife has stated that she likes 'time alone', that she doesn't want to see me 'all the time' (fine.. but remember the OM is still being contacted). Secondly, her behaviour can be quite erratic. At times she wants me to stay and be around her and then, suddenly, within a matter of hours, can change her mind and say 'we'll see' if asked about a date that only a few hours previously she had been insisting happen.
Once again I am asking for advice and help... I am extremely concerned.
Okay. I have just come off the phone with my wife and we have directly discussed the OM.
Basically, I told her that I was really happy with how things have been progressing with her and me and that I very much want it to continue. I have expressed that I am happy to do so at a slow pace but that there is 'one thing' that is bringing me massive concern.
At that point she cut in the conversation and mentioned the OM's name.
She told me that she feels she has made decisions and that ultimately she 'cares about him' but 'not enough to be in a full relationship'. She said she still has 'issues' with the OM and that she is working to 'tie the loose ends'.
She told me that she wants to do it her 'own way' and is happy to talk to me as long as I do not 'sabotage things'. She said she does not want to tell him why she is feeling differently and in particular does not want him to know that she has been seeing me and is happy doing so.
Now... I actually feel extremely concerned after this brief phone call because:
a) What does she mean by she doesn't want me to 'sabotage things'? I mean, if she is pretty much decided she wants to continue to see me doesn't that essentially mean she is now working on her marriage again and therefore HE IS A THREAT TO HER MARRIAGE and needs to be gone. What is it I might sabotage?
b) This thing about feelings is of concern. I mean, shouldn't she be recognising that these 'feelings' she has for him are essentially destructive to the marriage and that, as long as she allows them to remain, they will only drive a barrier between her and me?
WHAT DO I DO?
I am strongly considering sensitively trying to say to her that she MUST STOP ALL CONTACT. Isn't that the way this should progress now?
On the other hand I dont want to ruin how far we have come.
