Finding the sexual being that is me~

[Cinco]

Ali,

Do something for yourself, it's always good to keep loving yourself. This is scares me about my wife threatening to stop all of her activities outside of the home. She needs to get out, to do things, have friends. Only in the last couple of years has she really made some good friends.

I say GAL.... Oh and pray too, pray that your H will come to realize what he has with you and get through the pain he is feeling from his FOO.

Cinco

[Delil@h]

I know I have to start to GAL again... problem is he thinks he is doing me service/favor by me being betty crocker at home all day. I am slowly suffocating and dying. Yes it is a blessing but I ned to do things just for me to recharge. All I am again is his Wife and I am slowly dying inside. I want to feel alive again.

All I am at the moment is his Wife nothing more... not good guys,, not good at all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Time to get back me.... I will feel so much better.



This is going to be interesting .


....thank God for you all.

~Ali

[SillyOldBear]

So, what are you going to do?

My wife does NOTHING for fun. At first I teased her about it. Now it really concerns me. But I don't want her to think I'm nagging her about it. She's dabbled a couple of times in things like ceramics and scrapbooking, but she didn't stick with them.

We went to the local municipal theater last night to see one of her favorite shows, "The Music Man." She was in that one when she was in high school, and she sang in the chorus in college, but she hasn't done any acting or singing since. She looked in the program and found that another local theater is doing two other shows she really liked acting in when she was younger, and even mentioned that she had thought about auditioning.
"YES. You have to go to the auditions!" I told her.

She doesn't stick with these other arts 'n crafts kid stuff hobbies because she doesn't really enjoy them. I really think going on stage again would be different. This is something we know she enjoyed! But she says "Maybe next year. I can't this year."

I'm wondering how pushy I want to be. If I found out when the auditions were, and drove her there without telling her where we were going, would she go in, try, and end up glad that she went? Or would she just resent my interference? I don't know the answer.

[ACJ]

Bear you could always audition WITH her. I know its supposed to be a GAL activity for her but she may be afraid to go by herself (lack of self confidence etc) and you doing something she used to enjoy just might show her how committed to your R you are. (I'm not saying you aren't so please don't take offence if you read it that way).

[poet]

Good morning Ali,

I don't have a lot of time right now, but I wanted to respond to this thread. I know we talked at one time about the possibility of your going through perio-menopause, right?

Anyway, I was thinking about you on the way to work this morning. You've been talking lately about H's "roller coaster" and I wanted to mention something you may or may not know. This *condition* that we women go through is also very *emotional* for us, even when we don't realize it.

Have you considered this? And if not, perhaps you may want to look into it. There may be a support group in your area. Just something to think about.

hugs,
poet

[faithisbelieving]

OK....I hate to be the 'rug puller outer' but I have to try and maintain balance here.

Piecing is not easy. We don't control them and if they have issues, sometimes, we can make all the changes we want and GAL all we want and it may not bring them back ANYWHERE NEAR what our original M's were. THAT relationship...is GONE.

So..do you continue to paddle back upstream trying to get back to where you were...thru rapids at the risk of capsizing...or..continue forward working with new terrain and landscape. Sadly, the panoramas may have been more beautiful back upstream, but, the new views are different.

There are questions one must ask. Are you happy? Are you in a codependent relationship? Are you/we blaming ourselves too much for THEIR decisions? What control do you have over them?

As for the hormone thing...I"m an MD...that is a rare occurrence. Certainly being perimenopausal can make one emotional and at times feel depressed..but it doesn't and shouldn't make one prone to choose being emotionally abused, disrespected and staying in an R/M that is hurtful.

FIB

[Delil@h]

Certainly being perimenopausal can make one emotional and at times feel depressed..but it doesn't and shouldn't make one prone to choose being emotionally abused, disrespected and staying in an R/M that is hurtful.

I absolutely agree....
FIB~ you are the best.

And pull the rug out all you want.
I have my eyes wide open....

..continue forward working with new terrain and landscape

yes....

I know what he does is wrong. FIB.

I know I cannot allow it, piecing or not. It hurts....
And you are right the panorama is just different.
I dont want him to be what he used to be or be anything just for me. He needs to respect me. Plain and simple. Nothing more nothing less. And yes even though I may have periomanopause symptoms,,, me allowing him to make me feel bad is where the feelings come from. Not my hormones. I am human and he is being an assh*le. I acnt control him but I can control me.
I am going to work on myself more and stop giving him so much power.
I got excellent advice yesterday... will post it in a bit.

Are you happy? Are you in a codependent relationship? Are you/we blaming ourselves too much for THEIR decisions? What control do you have over them?

I am not very Happy.
I think it goes back and forth on codependency. COG~ let me know about that. I get string and then I fall back into the trap.
I am blaming myself far too much.
I have no control over him


I thought alot about that this morning while running errands for our business. I have been happiset when I follow DR. Wayne Dyers' advice.

I have no ownership over him and he none over me.
Something like that.

I can be the beautiful , stable happy Woman I am. I have allowed myself to try too hard and let myself die a little more everyday.
I have lost what I was doing and what was working for me when we were seperated.

I was miserable and at the same time I was string as nails and I was finding me and loving being really and truly alive.
Right now what kills me is I feel suffocated and stifled.
I am not feeling truly like me.


Me?

I am the Woman who goes for walks, who dances/sings in the living room with her Ipod on. Who picks flowers and puts them in every room in my house. Who bakes cookies and then goes to Yoga. Who makes love like a Woman confident in herself. Who devours her mate like he is a delicious ripe nectarine. Who loves every curve God gave her even when there are one too many.
Who goes to the Farmers Market on her bike , wearing gold bangles on her wrist and pink lipstick.
Who enjoys life and just being alive. The Woman who reads books outside in the sun.

But I cant remember who I am much sometimes cause I give far too much.

I am tired of trying so hard.
I am not going to give up.
I am just going to actively find me.
I love him dearly and if he really loves me he will follow and he will grow up.

If not I will have to make some real hard desicions.
I get going and then I think i am somehow afriad of being me.
I feel lately when he is around that I get tense and I stop being me.

Love you all and Thank for your support , God bless you all....
~Ali

[Cinco]

I am tired of trying so hard.
I am not going to give up.
I am just going to actively find me.
I love him dearly and if he really loves me he will follow and he will grow up.

I like this Ali. Lead the way and with love they will follow.

~5

[faithisbelieving]

Also...I am not a SSM expert but..there must be a difference between being sex deprived in a R/M when you really love the person and using sex to cover up your pain.

Dunno.

Just thinking out loud. FIB

[DanceQueen]

Ali sweetheart...I know you have been through so much pain just to love this man.

I think you need to do something to shake things up a bit. Do you have a sister or a girlfriend you can go spend a week with? Or at least a weekend out of town with someone? You need to get away from H for just a bit, and focus on ALIMARI...

I know you have kids, but are they too little to leave them with dad for a week or a weekend? If they are, then take them with you...they are not who you need to take some time away from. Husband needs to feel some space from you, that was initiated by you (not by him going to Mexico or something). He needs to miss you. He needs to feel the space.

And during that week or weekend, you need to begin learning to live without having to worry about him or what he is doing. I know that you are always worried he will fall off the wagon, find another OW, or something similar. You need to learn how to live without that fear. By being away for a short while, hopefully you can at least get the ball rolling. You need to think and feel more independantly.

When you say things such as "I am expected to be his betty crocker" I am confused if you think he expects that, or if he literally says that? Many times, women go overboard to accomodate their man, to the extent that they then feel resentful about it. And then when the man tells his side of the story he says "I never wanted her to revolve her life around me, she just did it so I went with it". I suspect that your H may behave as if he expects so much accomodation (and yes I realize he is latin so they are different that way) but in reality, he actually wants you to be a strong independant woman who doesn't take any crap from him. All men want that (other than abusive types).

I don't know what your future holds, but if you don't make some kind of shake up in your relationship dynamic right away, I fear you will be doomed to live in this type of paranoid state forever. You really need to take your OWN LIFE by the horns and ride it into the sunset! If your H is lucky enough to mature and grow up in time to ride into the sunset with you, then great for him. If not, at least YOU will see your own dreams come true.

If you didn't live so far away, I would say come up here to the pacific northwest and stay with me for a week....we'll go to the spa, go salsa dancing, go to outdoor music and food fesitvals, get our nails done, go to the gym together....these are things a woman needs to do for herself, with a close friend or a sister, and we need to do this at least once per year for at least a weekend but a week is preferable.

And during that week, NO TALKING about the relationship! That week is about YOU and only YOU! You can talk about your feelings about the relationship, about your future, your plans, your hopes, dreams and desires...but NOT about H or what he is doing, how he is treating you, nothing about him at all.

Do you see the need for this? Can you pull it off somehow??? You really need to stand back and get perspective.

Also, I know you are always already reading many many books....but pick up John Gray's new book "Why Mars and Venus Collide". That one has many tidbits in it for YOU my dear. It talks about how if you don't do these "me only" girly things for yourself, your hormones get out of balance and then the relationship suffers.

So...yes, your H has done his part to make you feel crappy....but Ali has HER part to figure out, and she needs to OWN UP to taking better care of HERSELF!

Hang in there, sista!

DQ