Bring on the Rain - Part 5

[SueS]

Hi-

I'm here. I've been sitting here all day wanting to post but not knowing what to say. Afraid maybe. Imagine that, a 40-year old woman afraid of being scolded. I goofed, I screwed up, I put myself back in a spot I swore I wouldn't put myself in. Hit me now, tell me how wrong I am, shake your head at me. Seeing some of your posts saying I'm standing strong. I'm not. I don't deserve that credit.

H called on Friday asking to see D4 and asking for my help to look at some places Friday night and Sat. I said I would. After looking at the place on Friday evening, H fell asleep with D4 in her room. H stayed and stayed...etc. He even asked to spend time with us (me and D4) on Sunday and mentioned some things he'd like us all to do together in the future.

I know what I've done and what I've put myself into. I have to try to dig myself back out and get H moving forward soon, as that's what he plans on doing anyway, without me.

My family is upset with me. They don't understand and I don't expect them to. My mom said that she sees it two ways. She sees how H has hurt me and that upsets her. However, being married to my dad, she sees how hard it is to let go. She stayed with my dad (alcoholic) and admits that she doesn't know if he ever had affairs. They're worried that I'll let H back in my life permanently. I told them that I don't see it happening....him wanting to be back. He was excited about the places he saw over the weekend. My sister said that she wants to support me, but doesn't want to support a R with H. She worries and I understand that. My dad was upset to see H over this weekend. I understand my dad feeling defensive of his daughter, but I wish he'd understand that I'm a product of him and I'm an ACOA. Does it sound like I'm making excuses? I'm not trying to, but that's what I am.

I feel pulled. I made an appointment with a doctor for Thursday morning to get back on my meds and back on track. I've literally felt drained lately. I'm up one minute and down the next. A big huge truck pulled out in front of me this morning. The thought flashed through my mind of not stopping. Then an even bigger image of D4 popped into my mind and I hit the brakes. I can't imagine being without her, so I stopped. And yes, I will always stop. That sweet angel means to much. But, after seeing that truck and having that thought pop in my mind, I knew I had to get some help and soon.

I know that I've again set myself up for more hurt when he's settled in his bachelor pad. I had all kinds of feelings running through my mind this weekend when we looked at some of these places. I love D4 more than anything and would NEVER give her up. But when he looked at one place in particular, I thought about how he'll have a place for fun and I'm left being the responsible one again. I tried to turn it around for myself to realize that being the responsible one is okay. Being the one that gets D4 the majority of the time is MORE than OKAY. I'm one very lucky person to be able to have her in my life and I wouldn't want it any other way. I would die without her. I hoped that with this "fun" place, his dreams of being with OW and her 4 kids will die. I hoped that his "fun" place will not be so fun when he's sitting there alone on some nights. I just let myself get to close again this weekend and I'm feeling it.