My time is limited, so I don't post here much, but I will say that I've been taught on these boards and with my coach to "be nice, but independent. Back away but, don't turn your back on her." Hope this helps.
Brand new here...my walk away husband and I were a blended family with no children together. I came home one day and he had cleaned out everything that was his. The only contact I've had is a text message three weeks later asking me if he could come pick up his mail.
I have not had much contact with W this weekend. Actually none since Thursday until she texted me yesterday evening asking how the Open House went. I waited about 15-20 minutes, and just replied with, "That was yesterday, and no one came to it." All she responded with was, "Ok. Thx."
I have a really hard time knowing what to say when she keeps throwing grenades. Any suggestions?
Hummmm.... that repsonse sounds angry, and it makes you sound like someone to be pitied. Even if it did suck, I probably would have replied with something like.... "Great! Very busy!!! Thx for asking," and then I'd stop corresponding because I'd be too busy living my life.
As far as what to say when she throws a grenade. My responses when my husband thrust knives in me, or said crazy nutty things that made no sense..
"Yes, I hear what you are saying." "I'm sorry it came across that way." "I understand."
Detach, never take anything personal, don't bother confronting crazy people.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Wow, lovedtoomuch... do you have any idea why he left? Were there signs of him being unhappy? Did he say anything prior to leaving? Why did his first marriage end? How long were you married? How long was he D before you married?
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Sorry you find yourself here. I just wanted to second the questions you've been asked, and say that it's well worth opening a thread up in Newcomers. There are lots of experienced DBers posting there and you'll get targetted feedback to your situation by doing that.
Do you have DR? If not, get it and read it. It's a great place to start. You're going to get through this.
I am his first wife, he has three kids and I have two from a previous marriage. He would always threaten to leave me if I did not cater to him. Things started getting rough when I would stand up for myself. Everyone used to tell me he was very disrespectful to me and to stand up for myself. During the last month, he kept telling me that if he left me I would beg him to come back. My parents were scheduled for a visit and he asked me when they were coming. I told him "tomorrow" and I came home from work and he was gone. We have been married for seven years.
The Open House was for our home that is for sale. I'm sure you knew that though. She asked how it went, and that's what I told her. And left it at that. She could have just called the realtor to find out, but chose to text me instead.
I am only going to contact her if it's important, she will have to initiate contact first. She texted me again today asking if I could change the oil in her car today. I know it needs to be done, but I also know she wants to take more of her belongings. I waited awhile and answered,
"Hey I have to go help at another store, and in order for you to make your appt. @ 7, I'd have to be home when you got there to get it done in time. I don't think I'll make it. I'm sorry, but can we do it tomorrow?"
Her reply was, "That is totally cool. Just let me know for sure about tomorrow. Thank you."
And I replied, "I just don't want to make you late. Tomorrow shouldn't be a problem but I'll let you know for sure. Thank you! :-)"
She replied, "Sounds good. Thx."
Did I handle that ok?
It seems we get along very well as long as I don't backslide or someone isn't filling her head full of BS.
No, I didn't realize it was the Open House for your home. For some odd reason I was thinking maybe you were a high school teacher or something like that (some type of private school)... but then this is definitely the wrong time of year for that so it did seem a bit strange to me...
Allowing her to initiate contact is good. And being friendly without being pursuing is your best bet.
Your response on the oil, that sounds positive and friendly without being over- friendly or pursuing (which is deadly! Pursuit and anger are the best way to kill off potential). Although I wouldn't always share with her what I'm doing (i.e. helping at another store). Being real happy and real busy are a great way to make a spouse wonder, and wonder is a great spark for making them think about you.
Keep in mind, I used the word potential. Never expect more.
BTW, write this little reminder down somewhere where you can remind yourself every single day: "Do the words bring us closer or push us further away? If they push you further away DON'T USE THEM!!!!"
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
