Another one joins the flock (Part II)

[Mike85]

snodderly:

Thanks. It's still so hard, but I honestly believe that this will all be worth it. The things I have been saying and doing, especially over the last two days, are proving that I *am* changing, that I *am* serious about my love for her and wanting to build a stronger R, and that I *am* sincere.

Any time that I feel down, discouraged, or negative about where I am/we are at the moment, I try to remind myself how far we've come in three months.

The weather here is overcast (again) and it's going to rain (again), so I was feeling blue. Then, as I was mowing the lawn, thought about how W asked me as we were hugging, "How does it feel to know that any time I *really* need something, I always come to you?" Still makes me happy and gives me hope.

The fact that she hugged me so tight that I couldn't breathe after I whispered to her that I love her "unconditionally and forever" also gives me hope.

The fact that she told me several times over the last two days that she still loves me - gives me hope.

Not so blue anymore, despite the sky getting darker and sprinkles starting.

Patience, strength, compassion, and wisdom. I pray for them each morning and each night. And He provides them.

A long way to go yet, but I believe we'll get there.

[Mike85]

Great picker-upper:

Baking cookies with the kids while cranking the Ramones.

Chocolate chips and "Hey Ho, Let's Go!"

That sound you're hearing is Joey Ramone spinning in his grave.

[mishka422]

HA!!! Gotta LOVE the Ramones.

Enjoy!

[Mike85]

W called this am to say she was going to pick the kids up early, take them with her to her shop, then run errands. She figured that if she went to work, ran errands and then picked the kids up, she'd have spent no time with the kids today, so this is how she decided to get her time in.

W said that OM was obviously alive, told me that they had a "long talk," and that she "didn't let him get away with what he did." I think she only told me all that so that I didn't think she was completely oblivious to his failings. I *did* warn her weeks ago that he would eventually do what he did and that she had a HUGE blind spot about his alcoholism and immaturity, but back then she didn't believe me (ah... that MLC-tinted view). I've scrupulously avoided the 'I told you so' bit all weekend and today. Hell, I guarantee to you guys that he'll do it (fall off the wagon and go AWOL) again.

I told *her* that the only thing I cared about was whether SHE was OK. (I figured it was not only correct, but diplomatically avoided my sincere wish for OM's "unfortunate end.") She said she was OK.

There was a long pause. She asked if I was still there, and I said "yes." I said that I thought she was going to say something else. She did. She wanted to warn me that OM would be with her when she came to get the kids, since he was going to run around to get supplies for their camping trip. She told me that she warned him to stay in the car when they were in the driveway, as I would not be happy to see him. Gee......ya think?!?!?!

I knew damned well that although OM screwed up big time and that there are widening and increasing cracks in their relationship, that W and OM would/will still be together for a while, yet I still feel blue. Went to my classroom to work on stuff and be preoccupied, but it didn't work (did get stuff done though).

Went to Borders for an hour with my birthday coupon and still couldn't find anything worth buying (they never have what I want in stock). They offered to order me stuff, but they didn't seem to grasp that if I had wanted THAT, I would have gone through Amazon. [sigh].

On the drive home, I cranked my Tragically Hip CD. "Courage" came on first:

"There's no simple explanation
for anything important any of us do
And yeah the human tragedy
consists of the necessity
of living with the consequences
under pressure, under pressure.

Courage, my word, it didn't come, it doesn't matter,
Courage, it couldn't come at a worse time."

At least my boys will be with me from this evening through Friday. They always cheer me up.

And I'll make a point of re-reading my own posts about what occurred Friday to give me perspective.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Dan Simmons - Hyperion Cantos

Excellent Books...a little better than the Star wars fluff.

Mike,

You are doing amazingly well. I do not know many who would have handled that as well as you have, myself included.

She sees and knows who you are, you are just reinforcing that in her mind, the one not clouded with confusion.

My wife and I talked the other night, she brought it up, I had decided that old questions that I used to need to knwo the answers to were not as important.

She mentioned F-face. (My term for OM).
Brought up that it had seemed like he had supported her decicsions, at a time when no one else had, but in fact, only did that to meet his needs. She realized now and had for quite awhile just how underhanded he had been.

She talked about overwhelming confusion, never having understood anyone who could take their own life, until this happened to her, and that our boys were the only reason she didn't.

She said that she was a prisoner of her overwhelming emotions, anger and rage and despair. And for a logical person, she felt powerless to make good choices. We talked about her past and childhood that planted the seeds for this.

I said nothing bad, for the most part she derides OM, a hell of a lot more than I do even mentally at times.

I offered her my theory about the OM, in many cases. I said that what I am about to say has no sharp edged and no malice.

"You, who fixes everything, has everything in order, are unable too. OM is a broken person in this case, and while you absolutely couldn't fix yourself and it drove you crazy, you could attempt to fix him. It was something you could control, someone you could make better. Something to feel good about."

She thought long about that one, and agreed, she was actually relieved to be able to logically see that part of it.

We both agreed that everything that happened between us was worth it, that we both were amazed and cherished what we now both have.

She admitted that she occasionally has flashes of confusion, but that it is NOTHING like before, and she finds comfort now with me and the boys.

She also thanked me deeply and sincerely for the time I gave her. She said that more than anything helped her organize herself and get her to address her emotions.

Mike,

Your wife is not my wife, nor are you me, our situations are similar but different. This is what my wife said to me...but I think there might be commonalities.

Keep strong.

You are doing well.

[Mike85]

Jack:

Thanks. Your words and support help a lot.

W dropped the kids off, gave them each HUGE hugs (she squeezed oldest son so hard that an imprint of her cameo necklace was on his forehead). The hug she gave me wasn't as big, but at least I got a kiss with it. I told her to have fun and to be careful (generic enough to either apply to camping mishaps or to the asshat she was with). The kids and I will see her again on Friday, when she comes to get them for the weekend.

As you said, I'm not you and my W is not your W, but like you said, there are similarities. W's OM is young, immature, self-destructive, selfish, and periodically falls off the wagon to go AWOL. I can see how my W would want to "fix" him as a project. Plus, his money, his employer (OM's company has fishing trips, dinners, etc.), and her only having the kids part time give her access to the lifestyle she thinks she wants.

She's says she enjoys living on the lake and the "lake lifestyle," but it's summer now and they've been outside a lot. I've seen the furnished closet they call their apartment. Once our kids are over at her place when they can't go outside, it'll be fun to see how well OM handles stir-crazy children.

Ah well...in the meantime, I'll follow your advice and keep strong.

Thanks again for the words and support.

[Mike85]

Time for a brief rant that I dare not say to W...

My three-year-old happened to mention how OM would spit brown stuff into a cup. When I went "What?", my oldest confirmed that OM chews tobacco.

Out-freaking-standing.

During the early stages of her MLC, W went on a health kick - dropped 70 lbs., worked out like a maniac, nothing but healthy food in the house, and demanded I tag along on her health regimen. It worked for me - I'm down to my college weight, but in much better shape than I was in college (not treating your body like a bowling alley helps). So... I'm slim, trim, eatin' healthy... and she leaves me for:

a 30-year-old guy who is:
- overweight and eats constantly
- a chain smoker
- a frequently relapsing alcoholic who goes AWOL on his benders (as recently as... this past freaking weekend!!!!!)
- a needy, Type A personality and wound really tightly
- isn't "into" kids... and doesn't even want to pretend that he is

and, he CHEWS FREAKING TOBACCO.

Honestly, I expect to find out that his hobby is burying kittens up to their necks and riding over them with a lawn mower.

I don't get it.

End of rant.

[mishka422]

GREAT RANT!!!!!!!

What a "winner" he is!