H deep in A & MLC, need support 4 roller coaster!

[Dawn of Hope]

TPaschal, as I said in your thread, thanks so much for stopping by and commenting! I think I may have you outdone in long posts though... I welcome all visitors and any comments on my sitch...

Well, H is gone for the week. In our little discussion last week, he mentioned that he was off work this week; did I know that? I said no, refraining from mentioning that since I wasn't snooping, how on earth would I know when he hadn't said anything to me? Said he was going out of town. I don't normally do this, but I asked where he was going (I didn't explain this, but I wanted to know if he was going to Florida or something really vacation-y w/OW). He said he was spending a few days with her and then a few days in a certain area of our state, enjoying some of the beauties of nature featured there. So, he's going on vacation without me, which is no surprise. We haven't been on vacation together in 2-1/2 years, and even then I don't think we would have gone anywhere if it hadn't been for his niece getting married in a resort area. No funds for vacation in a number of years (although he manages to find enough to spend hundreds of $$ every month on seeing OW, and then complains about the state of our finances; funny how that works).

So I had been wondering since Friday when he was leaving, as he didn't specify. I think he would have left Friday if it hadn't been for the fact that he went to an audition on Sunday (on which more to come). So this morning, Monday, he got up, mowed the lawn (which was getting pretty ragged), then rushed around to pack up and left, freaking out a bit because he had a little trouble finding his headset for his cell phone (MUST have the headset so he can talk to OW easily for hours while driving!). He finally found it in the pocket of the shorts he was wearing last night when he went out for a LOOOOONG walk (on phone with OW the whole time, I'm sure). I have not touched his phone or headset in months except to move it out of my way on occasion...much as I would like to smash the $@&()$@&( thing to tiny pieces and cram them down his throat. Told me he "probably" wouldn't be back until Friday (why be back then and not wait until Sunday night, a few hours before he needs to be at his desk, as is usual when he goes out of town??? I didn't bother asking). Did not touch me before walking out the door, just looked at me. Why does he usually give me a peck goodbye before he leaves for work in the mornings (the ONLY time he has touched me since maybe December, except for a bit of hand-holding in public on Easter), and sometimes when he's headed somewhere on weekends, as long as I'm still in bed, but usually won't come near me once I get up?? I mean, sometimes he won't kiss me when he's going to see OW before he sees me again, but it seems like whether I'm still in bed or not is at least as big a factor. Can anyone make sense of this??

So...he's gone for the week. Good riddance. I hope he gets in an accident that causes amnesia. I know that's mean, but I've been so angry with him for months, although I think I've done a pretty good job of keeping it under wraps, much as I'd like to tell him sometimes that I never want to see him again.

I have a number of potential plans for the week. I'm tentatively scheduled to see a movie and have dinner with a friend on Wednesday, and I'm going to contact another friend about another movie date, and other friends (who I've been turning to a lot with all this, and who have a couple of kids) about coming over to swim if I can get our pool in shape for it (started work on that last night--it's been green and cloudy since I had to go out of town in June, but I put in a lot of work on it yesterday and it's starting to improve already), and if I have time I'm going to do some way-overdue painting and repairs around the house. And I have some books I need to read (stuff on forgiveness and so forth, which I don't want to have out while he's around). My workload this week is lighter than it has been for the last few months, so I think I'll have some time...if I can avoid spending it all on this board!

Oh yes, I wanted to mention the audition thing...H has been quite heavily involved in acting in community theatre for the last 11 years. That's 3-5 shows a year, at 2 months of rehearsals each, so about 6-10 months per year he is rehearsing 3-6 days a week so is not very available when doing a show. The exceptions are for a year-long break in 2002, right after bomb #1, when I was first under treatment for suicidal depression and had found out about his EA; and then a two-year break that just ended with this audition yesterday. He was talking about doing a show early this year, but told me he decided against it because he felt it would be something to distract him from making this decision about our M, which he knew needed to be done. Well, he didn't get involved in that show, but he didn't make any decisions either. Still trapped in utter confusion and indecision, according to what he told me last week.

Anyway...H LOVES acting. He goes into withdrawal when he's not in a show. It's been pretty unbelievable to me that it's been two years since he did one, and I know he's missed it. At first, I really resented his involvement in theatre because of the time involved and how unavailable it made him, but after a few years I learned to just accept it. (Besides which, he told me at the time that he got tired of waiting for me to spend time with him, so he found another outlet for his time...his complaint had some validity, but I have never fully agreed with it.) So now he is getting back into it after this long hiatus. What's interesting about this is that it will take away some of the time that he would otherwise be spending with OW (in person or on the phone). Rehearsals are tentatively scheduled for Sundays and Monday and Friday evenings, which basically means that he will have to discontinue his habit of seeing OW on weekends (about every other week), as there is a five-hour drive to where she lives. I suppose she could come here and meet him at the hotel after rehearsal on Friday night, and then they could spend all of Saturday together and she could drive home after he leaves for rehearsal on Sunday about noon. And he has a fair amount of vacation time (maybe 10 days left this year?), but he's limited in how much he would be able to see her during the week, even if she's free. Well, I don't mean to obsess about this. It takes much longer to write it out than to think of it.

So it's time for me to get on with my day...any comments would be welcome!

Peace,
Dawn