You have touched on many issues with which I am now dealing.
I've been looking at X as "ill", which has allowed me to be there for her and love her unconditionally. The problem is that leaves me vunerable as I hope from time to time that she will "get well", quite often trigered by seeing what I believe are improvements in her condition.
We are going to have contact because of the kids. I often think it would be easier if we had no contact at all.
Maybe what is needed is to think of her as "gone."
I agree, I am seeing her as gone on a journey. She's searching for something, something I can't just 'give' her. I don't know if she'll ever come back from the journey, maybe it'll never end.
I do know that all I can do is make it so she doesn't want to come back. By not letting her go, by not holding her accountable for her choices. She's gone and yes, she has betrayed my trust and many other things between us.
But in my 'heart of hearts' I truly believe God brought us together for a reason, that there is a connection between us that will just never go away. If I can't just ignore it then well, neither can she. So she runs away from it.
All of the very strange behaviors she's had over the past 7 months while living in the house keep saying she's not 'done'. Being out of the house, spending time talking to someone else about life and stuff helps her to run a little farther.
I cannot help but wonder if in my case, and in your case, the OM is actually helping because he is showing her what she will lose when she doesn't have you any more.
I am 100% convinced that as long as I hold on to her, even with a thread, I am helping her to feel like her decisions are 'ok'.
It's time to chase after the life I want, the good one. And to let W out of my head for now. She'll always be in my heart, but it's my head that is getting me in trouble, just like it's getting her in trouble because she is ignoring her heart.
