Im still excited about our date last night. It's so amazing to me that we are in this place in our relationship. I'm happier now than I have been in a really really long time.
You asked me about talking about the future and I'd have to say that I haven't really brought anything like that up. I'm really trying to stay grounded on the days/week in front of me. I guess in part because it feels like I am in a dream and that at any moment I could wake up.
We did talk a little about moving in together again but my husband is still anti- that idea and still talking about his plans to buy a house for him and his friends to share. But he did not talk about it as much last night as he has in the past few weeks so that may be a good sign. I really don't want him to buy a house so I am just praying that we get things worked out further before he makes that decision. He is changing jobs in the next week and things are kinda up in the air so that might be just the thing to slow down his plans. I am really hoping our counselor can back me up on this house thing but we will not have another session until after the 18th because our counselor is on vacation right now. So I am a little stressed but at the same time trying to trust that everything will work out.
I did talk to him today. He started out texting but then he called which is another big step. I love texting but it says so much more when he actually calls to talk. We did not talk for long but it was all positive. I had sent him a text this afternoon before his meeting to tell him good luck and that I would support him no matter what happened. He brought up our counseling session and offered to call to make the appointment when our counselor is back in the office. Another big thing. I'm so happy/stuned that he is making such an effort.
And yet I am still trying to be cautious and guard my heart because I have read about situations like mine where the WAS gets closer and then randomly pulls away and distances from the relationship again. I hope it does not happen in this case but I am trying to be prepared for the worst. It's so hard though because I am falling for him more and more each and every time I see him. I don't want to give him back my heart just in time for him to rip it out and stomp on it again. Anyone from piecing have any advice on how to deal?
We are going to get together next week. I ended our phone call today by asking him to call me when he wants to get together next. That way the ball is firmly planted in his court and I will have a few days to GAL and work on me. I'm starting to think about getting into the habit of running again. I have some weight I would like to lose and have not been working out with DVDs because of my living situation right now (there is not a lot of room) and was thinking that it could help my relationship in the long run too. When my husband got home from AIT he wanted to take me running and so we went and bought shoes and everything but when we tried to run together he went all drill sergent on me and I told him that I would not run with him anymore unless he changed the way he approached it. But I was thinking it would be cool if I could start getting back into shape so that if/when we do move back in together it would be something we could do together and support each other in. So I might go out tomorrow and see how I do.
Well not too much else to say. I will post again soon.
This weekend has been really hard for me. I just need to vent a little. On Saturday we texted a little here and there and it was fine. Just about my husbands job situation. It was kind of spread through the day since he was busy at a job and I was out shopping with my best friend. He told me his schedual but wasn't getting off work until 12:00 (midnight) so when I went to sleep I just sent a goodnight text. I said "Hope you have fun. I'm off to sleep. Kisses." and the next morning I saw that he wrote "Woot im off!" at like 12:05. I had already said I was going to sleep like two hours prior. Why would he bother writing that to me? I don't know. . .for some reason it irritates me.
So then Sunday I had church other things to do but for the most part had a real down day. I just seem to be depressed for some reason. I decided that morning to not text or call my husband and to kind of go dark for awhile and see how long it would take him to contact me since last time we spoke on the phone I asked him to call me when he knew what his work week was going to look like so we could find time to get together. Anyways he did not talk to me all day. I know he was working again but that has never stopped him before. I'm just frustrated. Why is he ignoring me? I was sad all day and still am. If he misses me and I miss him why is he not talking to me right now?
I had a dream about us last night. I hate that! I used to love it but now its so hard because it just makes me feel like I can wake up and have him next to me and yet he is far away.
It's already noon today and he still hasn't called or texted me and I'm still struggling to find things to do to keep my mind occupied. I have things I should do but cannot find the motivation to do them. I just feel lonely and sad. Why can't this just be over already?
Does anyone think that his text on Saturday night mean that he is waiting for me to reply? Not that there was anything to say back to it but maybe he thinks "I texted her and she isn't talking to me anymore"? I think I'm being silly and desperate. I'm just wondering why he doesn't text or call if he misses me. What's the hold-up?
So on a scale of one to ten how bad would it be if I texted him first?
Haven't seen any recent posts from you and just wondering how you're doing...
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
same situation except we have a 2 year old son, I'm the guy that moved out, and I caught her with another man. how do you turn it around ? I can't change her mind or make her take me back.....does she miss me ? how can I tell ? this OM seems to overshadow me no matter how many 180's and personal changes i've done/made
feeling hopeless
M 31 W 26 M 6 S 6 S 3 Separated 6/2008 Back together 10/2008 All you need is love
Sorry I fell off the map. Just a bad weekend and then a bad day yesterday and I just haven't been up to posting. I have been reading though and learning (hopefully!)
Badcompany: I will read up on your threads tonight and see if I can help. Thanks for dropping in! We can get through this!
ITH: Thanks for checking on me. It's nice to know there are others out there looking out for me!
So my update. . .
I did end up texting him. I couldn't stay "dark" I was going crazy! And as soon as I sent a text asking about his new job opportunity he sent me a reply (like half a second later!) So we texted quite a bit about job stuff and life stuff. I have to admit I was the driving force, yet again, asking him questions and doing most of the conversation. There was some joking and stuff and it was all positive interations which is good but I hate feeling desperate, ya know?
Yesterday was just a bad day. . .Early in the morning I was getting ready to go out and do some shopping and other errands and before I was going I stopped to check on my gerbils (I have a pair of gerbils that my husband and I bought when we first got married because we could not have dogs or cats in our first apartment together) and one of them had died. I don't know how or why. She was only a little over two years old and they are supposed to live for 3-5 years. I burst into tears out of shock and sadness and could not stop crying. I called my husband right away and was bawling on the phone, poor guy didn't even understand what I was saying for a good five minutes. But when he figured it out he said he was just finishing something but that he would come up as soon as he was done to help me with her.
So he came over and we went to the pet store together to get new bedding and a new toy for the surviving gerbil and then helped me clean the cage and everything. He wrapped the dead one up and put her in a box and we went out and he dug a little grave and burried her. He even put a little headstone up so I would remember where she is at. It was very sweet and I am glad he was there to help me because I was a wreck! I think it hit me super hard because she was the first pet we bought together as a couple, our first little baby. And now the other one is so sad and lonely. I'm afraid she is going to die too but so far she is okay. I was just very emotional and as the day went on I got kinda bitchy. . .
After we burried her he was acting like he wanted to leave even though he had already said he did not have plans for the evening. I got upset by this because I felt like he was trying to run away. He eventually said that it was because he felt akward being at my parents house with my mom there (I don't exactly know why because my parents have been nothing but nice to him but whatever. . .) Anyways we had a mini-argument in the driveway and then my mom ended up leaving for a business meeting and so we had the house to ourselves. He ended up coming inside to go to the bathroom before his long drive home. However when he was done he came out and sat on the couch across from me. We were talking about us. All my great DBing kinda flew out the window but I am gonna blame that on stress. We talked about everything from why he did not want to stay to why he did not want to have any physical contact with me even though every time we go on a date we end up having sex. He used the classic WAS line of "I don't want you to get confused and think I am using you in case things don't work out between us" and I was like can we not just live day by day? Blah blah blah. It was a big backslide for me and I feel bad about it but it was like once I started talking I could not stop!
On the plus side the conversation ended well and we ended up having sex together. It was amazing and I am still confused as to why our sex life is better now than it was before. I guess it is just because we do not have the constant tension between us but that makes no sense because we had been borderline arguing earlier in the day. Oh well. Probably better not to question it and just enjoy it while it lasts!
Afterwards my husband wanted to get going before my dad got home from work (again did not want to be around my parents because he thought it would be weird.) We decided to go to dinner and then he would leave from there to go to back home. Well I needed windshield wiper fluid so he was putting that in my car for me when my dad pulled up and then my sister called me at the same time so I was talking to her while my dad and my husband were talking and they seemed to be just fine, they have always gotten along and hung out together from time to time. I guess that is an issue we will have to tacle in counseling, family issues on both sides.
We went to dinner and things got worse. I got kinda mad because he dropped all affection. I was like "we just had sex and now you won't even hold my hand in the middle of a restaurant?" WTF!!! It's soooo annoying. He said a few things to set me off and while I tried to hold back it showed that I was upset. Sometimes I think he is just pushing the boundaries of what I will and will not put up with. Because when I get quiet and look away after he says something rude he will instantly ask "what? Why are you cranky now?" That kinda thing. He knows what he said to piss me off so why does he ask that? And even if I honestly answer "I am upset because of XYZ" he will still push it later and rarely offers an apology. Come to think of it I cannot remember the last time he apologized to me! Grrr!!!
Anyways we finished our meal (which I paid for because of his job/money situation, he never thanked me. . .) and went out to our cars. He leaned against his car and we were talking a little about the day and how it had not gone that well. We would have talked longer but some vulture was sitting in his car waiting to take our spot when we pulled out (how rude is that!!!) so we cut it short. No hug or kiss goodbye. . .
I was so pissy. I was exhausted and irratated. Not a good combo. However! As soon as I got driving home I felt bad for some of the things I had said so I send a short text thanking him for coming to help me even though we did not have the best time and that I was sorry for being so bitchy. He wrote back "shrug."
Who does that!!!!
Here I paid for his dinner and put up with his crap and then I reach out and try to take the high road by apologizing to him for my bad behavior and not mentioning his and that is all he has to "say"
I was/am so mad. He can be such a schmuck!
Ok venting over. . .
After a nap I wrote him a text and we talked back and forth a little bit and made tentative plans to meet up tomorrow for dinner and a movie. I'm just angry though and I have so many things that I want to say about his attitude but I'm trying to hold back and let it go and chalk it up to a wonky situation but it is so hard when I feel hurt and taken for granted.
He is supposed to call me later tonight to finalize our plans. I want to see him. . .sorta. . .but I don't want to fight after all of my hard work of trying to convince him that we don't have to fight and argue all the time.
Why can't our counselor come back into town tomorrow!!!
I'm just struggling with thoughts like "there has to be someone better out there" "I don't want this relationship to work out anymore" "It's not worth it" ETC.
Thanks for listening you guys. I'm gonna try to PMA and see what happens.
Sorry to hear you're struggling right now. Your situation is starting to sound a bit more like mine.
It's now to the point where we also have sex when we meet, and it's very good. I haven't said a word about it to H, because I think if I read anything into it he wouldn't want to do it anymore.
OK a lot of the backsliding you've described of course isn't positive, but you are still meeting with your H on a regular basis. That's huge!
Can I suggest that you don't send texts apologizing when things do go wrong? I tend to do that too, and it seems to push my H away even more, or it focuses his attention me being hurt and lashing out. I really think it adds to them feeling guilty, and this is never a good thing. Instead you could be like your H, and shrug it off, or mention it next time you see him and talk about the stress of your pet dying and how it did crazy things to you.
Yes I'm seething with anger at my H too for many of the same reasons you've mentioned, lack of affection after sex, lack of gratitude for the nice things I do etc. However many wise DBers have told me that we can't expect these things at all right now. My DB coach mentioned that for us it's like putting money in the relationship bank, that we can't withdraw for a long time. In order to do this we have to be willing to be the ones making the sacrifice for awhile. In fact maybe the anger at some point will help us both to detach a bit more, to realize that it isn't worth getting caught up in their emotional rollercoasters.
Honestly though Daisy, I think you have a pretty decent situation, with hope, even if it feels terrible at the moment. There are many positive things here, your H being willing to go to counseling, you and he meeting up frequently, the sex, the friendly texts (at least at one point), and the fact that he did come over to help with the guinea pig.
Someone asked me to write down the things that I was doing that were working, instead of focusing on the negative things (you should read my thread loads of good advice). When I did this, I actually found a few things that had at least small measures of success. You might want to try this.
Hope you feel better soon, ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
I can't sleep tonight and was thinking that writing down a list of positives might be a good idea. Funny that you mentioned it!
I know you are right. I am in a good place and ya know three or four days ago I was overjoyed. A couple of bad days and I get all off track. I am going to get over this and when we see each other tomorrow I am going to do my best to "act as if" and to PMA and just have a good time. No relationship talk!!!
I'm telling myself that soon we will have another session with our counselor and we can work some of this out then and that I need to keep things positive and friendly until we can get some more help for the next stage of our relationship.
I like the mental image of a bank. That's a good thought to remember when I am with
I am going to go down to visit him tonight. Things were a little crazy there for awhile because the movie we were planning to see got canceled and so we had to negotiate our plans and he was being whishy washy. So we were talking for about a half an hour and things were getting nowhere. So I said "I have to go and get ready to go out so think about it and call me later to let me know what you want to do." So we hung up. I honestly figured he would not call me back but when I got out of the shower there was a text from him saying he had thought of something we could do together. So I guess we are going to see a different movie instead and then going to check out a park and maybe do a little shopping later on. A lot of drama but at least we are going out. And he would not have texted me so quick if he had no interest in going out.
daisy it was nice of you to pay for dinner. Typical man not to thank you. At least two are getting along well. No matter what you two do, leave the relationship talk at the door. If you concentrate on being attractive and fun to be around, he might change his tune about not living with you. Could be telling you about moving in with friends to test you. But all in all you need to stop going nuts and testing him first
M 31 W 26 M 6 S 6 S 3 Separated 6/2008 Back together 10/2008 All you need is love
