Reason to Believe on the Lake Erie Shore

[The Wifey]

Neil,

Instead of saying "I wanted to" about the coffee you could have just said "its only coffee." Like, it was no big deal. I was getting one so I grabbed you one, too.

I have to agree that us women are weird. But from where I sit, DAM have us beat by a mile.

[Neilh23]

LOL..Kjo...are you calling me a DAM? and weird at the same time? LOL.

ok. that's really the way i view it. thanks

UD-
i know. again, it's really sorta hard to believe.....and see.

everyone..thanks afor your input.....

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Neil,

I think you respect their boundaries. If she is asking you to stop then she is feeling it as pressure which does not help your sitch.

If I was asked to stop the coffee, I would probably say soemthing like "That's cool, it was no big deal since I stop there most of the time anyways" then change the subject.

Of course if you feel she is uncomfortable with it, then I would stop it anyways or at least reduce the frequency for the same reasons

What TwinDad said.

Puppy

[Neilh23]

ok so here's a question on communication...the largest issue facing my W and I...

I said as we were taking the kids out to the car.."its warm out" she responded by not really....i then said "well it's warmer than it was..."

i felt like i didn't allow her to "own" her feelings and told her that she's wrong....i know it definitly wasn't reflective listening......but was that bad? I'm not worrying about the effect it has on my W, i'm trying to figure out better ways to communicate

[upside_downer]

That wasn't terrible. It was actually good that you heard yourself say that.....now if you can apply it to something where you slipped up in the past and correct it, or catch it and change it for the future (even better), you're good to go.

Communication is a big thing for me, too, Neil. Hell, my W didn't even have the common courtesy to let me know she was in the hospital last night. Guess that's not important to tell her H anymore!

[goldeylox]

Neil, I agree w/ UD, if you notice yourself doing it, that's the first step in changing the behavior. I can't remember, have you looked into Retrouvaille? Peace.

[sandi2]

Hi neil,

Well, am I going to have to post that long list to you? All the do's and don'ts of DBing.

First about the complimenting on her appearance,etc. It is pressure. Anytime a man has a WAW.....you do not give her compliments or tell her you love her. Why? B/c she feels that you are expecting something in return. No, not sex, but some type of positive reaction from her. Even a simple "thank you" is pressure on her b/c it makes her resent you. I know that makes no sense to you what-so-ever, but I am the almost WAW here....not you (lol). Remember to pull back away from her.....detach.....and she will draw toward you. Play hard to get. Remember how? Or, did you ever have to? Getting hit on all the time

ok so here's a question on communication...the largest issue facing my W and I...

I said as we were taking the kids out to the car.."its warm out" she responded by not really....i then said "well it's warmer than it was..."

This doesn't seem like a big deal, but here's the thing. I work with a person that if I said something was black they would say well it wasn't really black but gray. No matter what I say, that person is going to say something to discredit what I say....at least it makes me feel like what I say has no value what-so-ever. So, even little things like that makes her feel that you are not giving her "credit" or "value" to what she is saying.

i felt like i didn't allow her to "own" her feelings and told her that she's wrong....i know it definitly wasn't reflective listening......but was that bad? I'm not worrying about the effect it has on my W, i'm trying to figure out better ways to communicate

You were just trying to make small talk, is why you don't think it was "that bad".......but it hurt her feelings. It did make her feel that what she said was not important, even if it was small talk about the weather. Poor communication is the problems of the world.

Would like to talk longer, but I have been up for almost 24 hours without sleep. Part of the Fibromyalgia......can't sleep at times, in spite of the sleeping meds.

Take care,
Sandi

[smartcookie]

I said as we were taking the kids out to the car.."its warm out" she responded by not really....i then said "well it's warmer than it was..."

Hi Neil, I'm so glad you asked about this. My H used to do this to me constantly. It was like he played devil's advocate to every comment I made.

It's not about communication, it's about being right & being controlling. You're both right. To you it's warmer out. To her it's not. Why don't you agree with each other...because at some level you are being competitive with each other. Look at her comment...if she was a casual acquaintance, she would have agreed with you, probably.

My H used to "communicate" this way with his dad all the time. It's polite passive aggressive obstinance & it drove me nuts. I'd leave the room. So, now I don't play the game. If I make a comment, & H contradicts me, I drop it. Especially if it's something stupid like whether or not it smells like rain.

Unless it's something really important, just agree with her. Even if you do it in a neutral way, like saying "yeah, I hadn't thought about it that way".

Now I'm not talking things like disagreeing over politicians or current events. Of course H & I have different opinions on those things at times.

[Neilh23]

hey all...

i got this email this morning from my W.... i understand parts of it...but....

While I'm thinking of this...I would like to designate some evening where I (or you) can call to discuss money, the upcoming school year and the holidays. I know the holidays portion is a bit premature, but starting a discussion about it now isn't going to hurt us.

I would also like us to discuss how we would like to approach things with the girls. Right now, I want to focus on them and helping them transition to their new "homes" for the fall. Additionally, I want us to discuss how we want to co-parent. I think the more we establish and agree on now, the easier things will be.

I know I have had my moments where I have been short lately. I am trying to find a place of coexistence with you. At times, to be painfully honest, I am uncomfortable. I know how you feel about things and I can't return the feeling. I know you know this, but I'm struggling not to send mixed messages but not being bitchy either.

While I'm being honest, I appreciate all of your nice gestures, but you don't need to do them. I know you want to get me coffees and compliment me because you're aware that these little things added up to big things. And as much as I don't want to discuss these things again, I wanted to make you aware of why I seem uncomfortable. I truly don't know how to act because I know where your gestures are coming from and why.

If we agree to ALWAYS put the girls first, we can't screw it up. I just want to focus on them and help them adjust. They have some big changes coming their way and I want us to have a plan because we are basically two families right now. Does this make sense?

the stuff about the kids makes sense, but the other stuff...

is this a backslide for me? did i overextend myself? Am i completely lost? HELP!!!

[Neilh23]

when i picked the girls up i didn't really have my normal PMA....and she noticed. we talked a little about the email. I told her i was uncomfortable too sorta. She also said some other things, one of which i didn't do those things when we were together, so it's weird for me to do them when we aren't together.
I suggested doing xmas together....she wasn't too keen on the idea.

i know, detach and all that stuff.

then she sends me a video of the girls from this morning...WTF?