The other day I was listening to this song and I couldn't help but think of the way guys like myself feel sometimes about the things that we have done to hurt our loved ones. Without thinking, we forget the part of ourselves that loves them so and then go and do something that we later regret and hate ourselves for allowing to happen.
Bruce Springsteen from CD: Tunnel of Love, 1987
Two Faces
I met a girl and we ran away I swore I'd make her happy every day And now I made her cry Two faces have I
Sometimes mister I feel sunny and wild Lord I love to see my baby smile Then dark clouds come rolling by Two faces have I
One that laughs one that cries One says hello one says goodbye One does things I don't understand Makes me feel like half a man
At night I get down on my knees and pray Our love will make that other man go away But he'll never say goodbye Two faces have I
Last night as I kissed you 'neath the willow tree He swore he'd take your love away from me He said our life was just a lie And two faces have I Well go ahead and let him try
I have come to realization that I am willing to do almost anything to make my marriage work. At the same time I refuse to wait any longer for her decision to join with me and have a healthy sexual relationship with one another. It is now or never. I do love her but I can't sacrifice this part of myself (my libido) to stay with her any longer. It was wrong to live out this part of myself on the sly as she slowly withdrew from wanting to ML with me. I had lived a double-life for the majority of our marriage. There was the husband and father that supported them and was the part that I showed to my family. Then there was the secret sexual side of me that had to be hidden away from my wife because she wanted no part of it.
I have grown to realize that this is who I am. There are no longer two sides myself and there is no more hiding. If she can’t accept that this is who I am and who she is married to, then she must let me go. I can no longer be trapped in limbo waiting for her and I will not go back to the double-life and the hiding. I would like nothing more than for her to join me and find her sexual self again, realistically though it may never happen. I have to accept this as a possibility.
She must decide now. Either she finds it within herself to awaken her sexuality or she admits that she doesn’t want this ever again with me and we move on. Of course we will have to work through this together and there are other issues to resolve. If however she can’t commit to fixing the sex part, then why bother with all of the other crap heaped beside it?
Good job Cinco...I think you are finally "hitting bottom". When we say that in regards to an addict, it means one thing. But when we say it in regards to finally coming to that door marked "if you go through this door, you MAY end up divorced, proceed at your own risk", we are talking about "hitting bottom" in your marriage.
It is a sad, difficult, and confusing time, Cinco. I remember those days very clearly. I had also led a double-life in my way and so I can relate to you very well. I still to this day wish my ex-h would have joined me in an effort to recover our marriage, it still hurts to have walked through that door and I wish the outcome had been different.
But...I am happy now, I am free of the old pain, and my ex-h is doing good, too. The world really doesn't end, it begins anew for you. The pain is just the same as the pain of growing, and boy will you have to do a lot of that.
This doesn't mean there isn't hope, I actually have a LOT of hope for your wife to turn this around. I know she loves you and does not want to lose you, AND I know there is a sexy vixen within her who wishes she could come out to play. But here you are...at that crossroads...and you cannot turn back. It really can't get better until you get here, to this spot, the "hitting bottom" spot. From here, you will finally get to leave the state of limbo that is so painful. For me, it was when the limbo state finally was more painful than the fear of the unknown that I walked through the door.
Be strong and have faith that you and your wife are both capable, strong, loving, wonderful people. There is no reason for anger at this point, only loving understanding and effort toward resolve.
DQ, I know that she loves me. I just think that she has lost the part of herself to share with me in a physical way. I am longing to seduce her as you posted on Baggy's thread, if she would only let me. To give her an open mouth kiss and have her thinking about me all day in anticipation of things to come later, if she would allow herself to think of me in this way. I want this more than anything now.
I don't know that I will ever find this with her or with anyone else if not with her. It's the risk I'm now willing to take because I can no longer live wondering if I will ever truly get to be myself and to be alive again. I have so much to share if she would only accept it.
If she doesn't join me it will be her loss, I hope her coming home Sunday night was the beginning of her awakening. She was very calm last night and even gave me a nice hug when I came home... still a million miles away from vixen though.
Thanks for your prayers DQ. It will truly be a miracle if I do reach her.
1st appointment day after tomorrow. Going by myself on the advice of the (female) MC and also W still reluctant to go. W said she will go although it may be individual C for a while.
My mental deadline is May 2009, this will be a year from when I started my campaign to work on myself and to turn this sucka around.
I forgot to mention that the SSM book has now disappeared. In part of our "discussion" on Sunday I mentioned that she hadn't touched SSM in well over a month now and that I really needed her to read that and take it seriously. This means: (a) That she is reading SSM now or (b) The SSM book is blowing around on the roadside somewhere on the way to mother's house.
She doesn't open up well at all with others and believes our problems are our own. When I mentioned the MC Sunday she said she couldn't talk to them and I suggested that we could go individually if she would like that better at first. She would be pissed if she knew that I am posting here, airing the dirty laundry for all to see.
In part of our "discussion" on Sunday I mentioned that she hadn't touched SSM in well over a month now and that I really needed her to read that and take it seriously. This means: 
or