For the Guy with Kids and a WW 9

[hopeful4her]

I went to pick my D's for church today. GBG let me in. Was still brushing D6 hair. Offered me some coffee. We talk about meeting later because she still hasn't washed clothes and wants to pack the girls clothes. We leave. It felt ok. A new sofa, matching chair and chaise. Girls have those big wooden bunk beds. The bottom bunk can roll away, built in dresser and desk. A matching chest of drawers. Wow.

On the way to church, I ask how they fit everything in the car.

They look at each other. They spill.

OM helped GBG with his truck. He helped put everything together. They feel bad. I'm upset but not trying to show it. D11 mentions that mom didn't want her to mention it, but that she also didn't want them to lie to me. They like his dog.

I can see D6 very upset. Before walking into church, I take D6 to the side and ask if she is ok. She says she misses me. She looks really upset. In church, very clingy. I ask her if she would like to go outside to talk. She says yes. D11 had gone to kids church. D6 and I go around the church to a grassy area and sit. I ask her to be honest. She starts to talk about Tom.

How he helped. They all went swimming. I ask her how she feels about him. She says she doesn't any guy at the apartment. But he is nice and told her about all his animals. I ask if she told this to mom. She said she asked mom why she called him "babe", and that mom explained that it is a habit. She will try to stop. I ask her again why she doesn't tell mom how she feels.
"I don't want to make her mad."

I explain honesty. That she needs to always tell the truth. Even if it is hard. No matter what. I ask her if she wants me to talk to mom for her. She says yes.

We go get D11 and do the same thing. We all talk. D11 doesn't want to hurt moms feelings or make her mad. He is nice, though. "But I know Juli doesn't like him."

I ask her how she feels. "I don't want mom to have a boyfriend."

I tell her that I plan to talk to mom. We are going to go be honest with her even though it is hard. Right. They agree. I explain to them that both of us will never know how they really feel about something if they are not honest with us. Both of us. I tell them also, that if I talk and it doesn't sound right, then to tell me so. I don't want to put words in their mouths. The say ok. We stop for a drink and head back to the apartment. I tell them to be strong.

We knock. Takes a little while. GBG opens the door, hair wet and just out of the shower. Puppy trying to get out. She looks at me funny.
"Tom is here."
She lets us in. He is sitting on the sofa, mug of coffee on the table.
"We came back to talk." I look at him. "And your leaving."
"ok." He is up walks past me to get his keys on the counter. I'm looking at him. Direct look. I'm thinking 'Look at me MFer. Fing puss.' Never a glance at me.

We all sit down.





What a day. I'm fixing dinner right now. I have to get back later. The soap opera will continue.

Sorry. And yes, she's still alive. She is actually going to come over later to bring the girls clothes.

I'll continue later.

[kat727]

Why is she still alive? Heck the real question is why is OM alive? It is obvious she is going to have the OM around the kids regardless what you say. Can we say full custody or max of one night a week and every other weekend? I am so mad for you!!

kat

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Very nicely handled, H4H, all the way around. Strong. Leading. Empathetic and tender with your children.

You're a good man.

Puppy

[hopeful4her]

Okay. The convo.

Too much.

Basically, we talk about the girls. I ask them to speak their minds. GBG just knows that I'm controlling them. Expectedly, she gets defensive. He is a friend. He helped. Yes. She needed help. The girls speak their minds. Sort of. I have to tell GBG how they don't want to make her mad. She is up and down. Truth darts from all over. I promise her that I did not feed them this stuff. D11 feels in the middle. She wants her mom to be happy. But she also does not want her to have a boyfriend. I tell GBG to stop confusing the girls. Its not right. We talk for a while. All of us at least an hour. At one point, she tells me that it is her life, her place and she can do what she wants. I tell her to please listen to her children. They are trying to tell her. Not me. But I do agree, I don't want him around them.

She then agrees that he will never be around when they are. She is still, however, dancing around their true relationship. She starts to cry. She is apologizing to the girls. For how they feel. She says that she hasn't been sleeping right, hasn't been feeling well. Ran out of her meds. Has to wait until payday. And he'll never be around them again.

My phone rings. She looks at it.
"Why is my dad calling you?"
"I have no idea." I really didn't. He never really calls me.

Some how D6 is looking at my camera. The pictures. GBG then starts to erase all the remaining pictures of her in it. I tell her to stop. She says they were taken in a different time. I tell her that if she is planning on getting rid of ALL pictures of us, not to. I want them. She reminds me that she plans on puting together albums for both of us. D11 jumps her case on pictures that she has taken. I ask her again to not get rid of them. I tell her its the same as the pictures in my camera. No difference.

She starts to get up to try to show me where they are.
She looks back at her new matching chair she was sitting in.
"Sh*t!"

She freaking bled all over the freaking chair. She just started.

I maintained my composure. I was so cool. Inside.....I was laughing my ass off.

How poetic!

She cleans up. The chair and herself. She comes back and we continue our talk. Girls have run off. I tell her that this was all them. I tell her it started. We talk about OM. The convo goes up and down. We talk about friendship. She says she wants to be friends. I tell her she has told me otherwise and that I don't know why. She says how she knows that I am wanting her to fail so she can come running back to me. I tell her that that is completly not true. I would never wish bad on her.

I ask her why she has to paint me as some bad person in her mind. She can't really answer. I tell her that its like the kid that has to give up a pet. The pet won't leave, so the kid has to be mean to the pet to get it to leave.

I tell her that I can't believe that she thought it would be ok to bring OM around the girls. I just can't believe it.
"Did you just think how cool it would be?"
I tell her that I told her how the girls would feel, but she doesn't listen to me.

"Thats right. You know me. I'm not going to listen to anybody. And yes, I guess that its time for me to be a little selfish."

"Yes, we ALL know that."

She says how it is all about the kids. She'll do anything for them.

"Thats not true. Your not going to give him up, are you."
"Well, we can't always get what we want. They know he is more than a friend. That I like him."
"Then don't lie to them. Tell them the truth."
"Baby steps. Not everything all at once."
"I just want you to wait until we are divorced. Stop confusing them. Thats all I ask. I would never do that. I would wait."

We continue talking.
"He is going to be in my life."
She tells me that she knows how I feel. She would feel the same way.
"I know how don't want to be here. You think I'm a b*tch. I disgust you. You hate me. All those things. I know your taking this harder than me."

"I don't hate you." Now the other stuff.....

"I just want you to wait until we're divorced. Thats all. Until then, we're still married. Is that what you want your girls to see? To think? Your stuff has gone from generation to generation to generation. I don't want that for them. That its ok to have a boyfriend while still married. They are not stupid. They know more than you think. I don't want them to think that the way you chose to do this is the right was. End it first."

"Oh, so its all my fault. You didn't do nothing?"
"I accept my part. I've told you that. I totally accept my part in what got us here. But I did not play any part in what you did. You CHOSE that. You made a DECISION to do that."
"Yes I did."
"Thats right, you did. I didn't. And I don't want my girls to think thats okay."

"Do you want the house?"
"Where did that come from?"
"Do you want the house. In the divorce.
"I would like to keep the house as long as I can. That is their home."

We get interrupted. She comes back.
"I want to help the girls fix their room. Painting. The headboards of their beds. Fixing up thier stuff."

???????????????

I tell her that we have already discussed it and will make plans. Its taken care of.

Like a switch flipped.

We had talked about how she is trying to protect me. My feelings. How I feel about OM. How things are hard for her too. I tell her that she got what she wanted.
"Yes I did."
She says its still not easy. She also has to get used to not having the girls around.
"But I guess thats what I chose."

And I don't like what your parents are telling the girls. That she is glad that they went to visit. That they are better off with you. She starts to cry again.
"I can't believe that she would go through the girls to get to me." She is sobbing.
"She isn't. If that is true, then I didn't know about it. You know me. I'll stop that sh*t real quick!"

She tells me that maybe we can have lunch this week to talk more. After payday. Without being disturbed.

We had told the girls how we NEEDED to talk. They felt bad, but we told them that not to feel like anything is their fault. We need to talk even though it is hard.

I get to leaving. She says that maybe the girls can still stay at the apartment during the day. Pick them up and still spend the night with me and then drop them off in the morning. I don't answer her. She is reaching, now.

She ask about taking the girls to the coast. The girls ask about going to Laredo. She tells me that she and her dad are not on real good terms right now.

Boy, I wonder why?

She is starting to sort the dirty clothes.

I tell her, "Look. You can do it whatever way you want."

"Well, I guess its better that they stay at the house. They can at least go outside and play with the puppies. Here that can't even go outside. It'll be better that they go to the house."



"Nooo. I meant that you can either give me the dirty clothes and I can wash them myself or you can take them and wash them yourself and bring them later. Its up to you. You can do it whatever way you want."

"Oh."

"I want to wash them and pack for them. I'll take them to the house later. I want to make sure they have matching clothes."

I tell her to cancel the Spectrum membership since the apartment has a pool and a workout room.

"Oh. Okay. You don't want to use it?"
"I'm doing my own thing at home."
"Oh."

We leave. I say bye. She says she'll call me later.

Go to my parents. Free late lunch. Girls get some more new clothes from them. Video store. Grocery store.

I called her dad. He is asking how I'm doing. He is the one dying of cancer and he is concerned for me. He is not happy, and he has told her. I tell him that I'm going to move on. Maybe someday I'll keep hope, but not right now. He tells me to call him whenever I need to.

If she does come tonight, I will give her the Retro packet.

I have no expectation.

She has made up her mind. She wants him. I just have to accept it. At one point, I think when I was talking about the generation thing, she said that what she wanted them to learn is not to settle. To find what makes them happy, even if it is hard. To be strong women.

That if they can find their happiness somewhere else, then they have to take it.

She is so deluded. I really don't think that I want to fight for her anymore. I told her that as long as she keeps him away from the girls, then I don't give a crap what she does.

She is broken.

I just have to see if trying to keep a friendship is worth it. It may be a light back, but I won't cross my fingers.

[hopeful4her]

kat, my kids were standing right next to me. He couldn't have looked more like a pussy if I had bitch slapped him. He knows that I could snap him in two. I'm a big dude.

Thanks pup.

She called about 25 minutes ago.
"I just finished the laundry. I'm exhausted."
"ok."
"Do they have enough to get them through tomorrow?"
"They're fine. They have clothes here. Don't worry about it."
"Okay. I still have to pick up Miguel from the bowling alley. I just picked up a few things from the grocery store for him."

He is staying with her this week, but he is going to tell her that he is coming over here Wed and Thursday.

"Ok."
D11 comes in. "Is that momma? She's not bringing our bags, right?"

She is smart. She knows her mom.

"No, moms not coming."
"I can still go. It will just be late."
"No. They have things here. I just finished dinner and we are getting ready to eat."
"oh, ok. They're ok."
"All right then......"
"Can I TALK to them?"
"Yup. Juli is asleep though."

They talk for while. I hear, "I miss you too."
Not very heartfelt. GBG had to say it first. What is D11 going to say? I know they tell their mom how they miss me. We talk constantly. All the texts yesterday. She sneaks calls to me. GBG hears them tell ME how they miss me. They say it first. When they are with me, no mention of her nor any calls to her. GBG has to call them.

I have peace in my heart concerning them and me. My heart hurts for them and thier mom. I did screw up earlier at one point. When talking about the girls and what they are going through. I told her that since she never talks to me, that I have no idea what she is going through or how she feels about what she is doing to the girls.
"I have to hear thier pain, I then I have to help clean up your mess."
"You don't have to clean up my mess. I'll clean up my own mess. I don't need you to do it."

I caught myself after I said it. That comment REALLY pissed her off. I actually apologized for saying it. She was ready to end the convo right there. I corrected myself to her.

"I'm sorry. I shouldnt have said it like that. You DO have to clean it up yourself."

Felt like I said the right things and also the wrong things. But over all, I felt in control the whole time, and at the end, she was pretty nice to me.


By the way, I learned that I can cook a BAD ASS baked whole lemon pepper chicken tonight. D11 LOVES it. So do I, I might add. I may never buy a precooked rotisserie chicken again.

I feel like a hero today.

[hopeful4her]

By the way, pardon my 'French'.

[karen43]

By the way, pardon my 'French'.

I think a little French is required in that situation!!!! Personally, I think you have been acting great!!! I secretly would have been happy if you had beat the guy up (not a big fan of the OPs), but obviously you are taking the higher road and are a much better man. I can't believe your W doesn't realize that (yet)!!! Karen

[lost_in_space]

H4H

I think you are handling this with so much class! Awesome. Pounding OM probably would have felt good, but you acted like a true hero would.

Puppy just told me to give nothing and expect nothing. A good message for you as well. But you are living that now.

Just keep the slow steady climb up the mountain Happiness is at the top in some form and we will get there.

[fightingirish]

wow, I just don't know what to say. She is completly deluded and selfish.

and you are right, just making sure your kids are alright is the most important thing, & YOURSELF.

She cannot be saved by anyone, she has to do the waking up all on her own. she's living in a fantasy land. It sounds like she's giving herself permission because "she's" been wronged in the marriage. NO excuse. That's crap! You shouldn't have the luxury of being selfish, especially when you have children to worry about and put first.

She's pitiful.. She's going to start looking very unattractive to you my friend..

:)--hang in there.

[karen43]

She's pitiful.. She's going to start looking very unattractive to you my friend..

:)--hang in there.

I think that's true. I always had thought maybe H isn't a good H, but he's a good dad, and now with exposing the OW to our kids and lying about it to them; I am lately feeling like he is a sleazebag. Not very attractive...Karen