Role reversal...from a HD wife

[Bagheera]

Greetings Silverado,

You are most welcome here. I know that it takes a lot of courage to discuss these topics openly, even in an anonymous forum fashion, but the support that you get in return makes it very worthwhile. Your perspective, as the HD wife in an SSM, is also most welcome and will benefit the support group as a whole --> if nothing else, it will help deflect us out of our 'grumpy horny men's club' rut from time to time.

I'd like to hear more about your marital / relationship history. Were these intimacy problems evident from the beginning of the relationship? or did they develop over time? Are there children / motherhood issues involved? Are there any affairs (either emotional or physical) involved? In other words, how did you get to where you are now?

From what you've described, it sounds like your husband has a lot on his plate: problem with emotional and physical intimacy, problems with arousal, and (once aroused) problem with premature ejaculation. There is hope, however, IF you can stear him in the direction of actually tackling these problems. That's always the hardest step, as most of us here can attest to: getting your partner to see that it is CRITICAL to the relationship that these issue be addressed. I can offer two recommendations at this point:

(1) If your husband has read The SSM, then perhaps you can get him to read something else. I'm going to recommend that you get a copy of The New Male Sexuality, by Bernie Zilbergeld. It was recommended to me by our current sex therapist and contains the detailed exercises that he uses for solving problems in his clients with intimacy, erection problems, and premature ejaculation (all three are addressed).

(2) I'd also recommend that you look for an AASECT certified sex therapist near you, and see if you can get your husband to seek counseling. With his multiple problems, I doubt if the self-help book approach will do the trick by itself, although it can help to get the ball rolling. The problem, of course, is coaxing him to go to a therapist and actually discuss these sensitive issues -- he has to see the great benefit to himself and his relationship if he does.

Best regards,

Bagheera