The Bumpy Road to Recovery #2

[Bagheera]

This is a long post that I originally placed in Silly Old Bear's thread in the For Newcomer's forum. I wanted to have a copy over here in the SSM forum that I could point to, even though the topic is still rather embarrassing for me to talk about.

Confessions of a Premature Ejaculator

I grew up in a strict, religious household with domineering, critical parents. My mother, in particular, was terrified of teenaged male sexuality, and did her utmost to monitor my every erection to make sure I didn't do anything 'perverted' with it. As a result, I learned how to secretly reach orgasm quickly and efficiently during masturbation -- along with a good dose of guilt to go with it. Given a few years of this, and you get a man with sometimes severe PE problems when it comes to sexual interactions with a women, particularly with vaginal penetration.

For most of my marriage, my wife and I adopted a solution of me giving her an orgasm manually first, followed by an all-too-quick orgasm for myself via penetration. While it was alright (note the lukewarm tone), we both wanted more from our sexual encounters. Last year, after I began my campaign to rebuild my marriage and get my wife on board to do the same, I set out to solve my PE problem once and for all. There is a lot of misinformation out there on the web, a lot of 'quick and easy' solutions that don't work, so I can hopefully save you the headache and point in the proper direction to solve PE and master ejaculatory control.

Recommended Reading

I'm going to recommend two books, and I hope this isn't seen as advertising -- it isn't. I've culled through a lot of coal to find the diamonds, so hopefully my sharing them will be seen as just that:

The first book is called The New Male Sexuality, by Bernie Zilbergeld. It was recommended to me by our current sex therapist and contains the detailed exercises that he uses for solving PE problems in his clients. Note that PE problems only take up one chapter, but the rest of the book is a very good and insightful read.

The second book has the absolute cheesiest title ever, and is called How to Make Love All Night (and Drive a Woman Wild!), by Barbara Keesling. It's ostensibly about teaching men how to achieve the so-called male multiple-orgasm (MMO), or 'orgasm without ejaculation,' which allows you to carry on to more orgasms until you're ready to have a 'final' orgasm with ejaculation. However, the book's real value is in the ejaculatory control training and exercises leading up to the MMO. Once you've reached the point where you can 'plateau' your arousal state indefinitely while actively thrusting, and then have ONE very nice orgasm when (and only when) you are ready, you may not even care to go on the MMO.

Thirdly, do a Google or Yahoo search on "Kegels PC muscle man men," and read up on the advantages of strengthening and regularly exercising your PC (puboccocygues) muscles. Kegels are NOT just for women, and are very beneficial for men too, particularly those with PE problems. Start a daily Kegal routine now (Kessling's book will put you on one too), as it will take a few weeks to get that muscle group up to snuff with regard to ejaculatory control.

What Doesn't Work

As I said, there is a lot of stuff on the web regarding PE that doesn't work very well. Two techniques to steer clear of are:

(1) The 'squeeze' technique: this is an old method whereby the penis is removed from the vagina as orgasm is approached and the glans manually 'squeezed' to back the arousal state back down. Not only does this interrupt everything, but it also doesn't teach you how to control your arousal via any other method.

(2) The mental 'distraction' technique: this is also an old method which encourages you to distract yourself mentally by focusing on something outside of what you are doing, such as thinking about your ugly Aunt Petunia. Forget it. The techniques you want to master are ones that encourage you to focus on your body and sensations, your partner, and to stay 'in the moment.'

What Does Work

Good ejaculatory control involves a medley of techniques, not just one in particular, that you use in tandem with each other, depending up the circumstances. Your goal is to maintain an arousal level of about 6-8 (on a 1-10 scale) indefinitely, until you are ready to 'drive home' to orgasm. You'll find that this control is very much a 'mind game,' such that as you gain experience and confidence, you'll be able to maintain control more automatically and less 'mechanically' using these techniques:

(1) Thrusting Speed control: faster thrusting builds arousal, slower thrusting lowers arousal. Learning this technique begins with the standard 'Stop - Start' procedure (which tends to interrupt the action and enjoyment for HER), but does become less extreme with practice and experience.

(2) Thrusting Motion control: certain positions / angles are more stimulating than others, so a short-term shift to something less stimulating can be used to drop your arousal level. In my experience, however, those positions which are most stimulating to me are also the most stimulating to HER, so again, this can lead to an interruption in her arousal too.

(3) Breathing control: rapid, shallow breathing builds arousal, slow, deep breathing lowers arousal. This is a very important technique to master, along with thrusting speed and PC muscle control.

(4) PC Muscle Squeeze: This is Keesling's primary technique, and works quite effectively after you've built up that muscle group, either in the form of a series of short, 'hard' squeezes or one long 'hard' squeeze. Note, however: a 'light' squeeze can have the opposite effect and enhance your arousal, so take care.

(5) PC Muscle 'Push': because the PC muscles tend to slowly tense up as your arousal builds, you can reduce your arousal level by purposefully relaxing them, or 'pushing' with them. Note that a true PC Muscle Push does not involve your abdominal muscles -- only the PC muscle group.

(6) Mental Sensation Shift: this technique is the most difficult to master (I'm still working on it), and involves mentally shifting your sensation focus from the orgasm-building head of your penis to somewhere else, such as the shaft or internal prostrate area.

With lots of practice, this gives you SIX ways that you can either build or lower your arousal level, and with time, do so without interrupting your partner's arousal buildup.

Final Hints

The key to going from a PE prone man to one with good ejaculatory control is practice, practice, practice. This involves a 2-3 times daily Kegel routine, and a 2-3 times weekly 'exercise' routine --> beginning with masturbation exercises and working to partner exercises. In my case, my wife wasn't all that keen on the sex-as-an-exercise idea, so I went as far as I could go "by hand" on my own, and then incorporated the remaining, penetration exercises into our normal lovemaking.

The entire program will take a few months to several months to complete (depending upon the individual), so be very patient and forgiving with yourself, accept setbacks and stall points along the way, and don't proceed on to the next exercise until you fully master the previous. Also, don't over-exercise your PC muscles by doing too many 'reps' and such -- they don't work well for ejaculatory control when they're tired and sore.

If you have questions or comments at any point along the way, holler at me. I'm still aghast that I admitted to my own PE past here on these forums, but hey, that's what we're here for -- to help each other.

Best regards,

Bagheera