Help...I think I did a 180...I hope

[Sophie]

thanks Jeff...pats on the shoulder are awesome right now! Cool...

I want to keep 'visiting' w/him...but, I took the kids swimming instead and left the phone @ home.

[Virtually_Handsome]

I want to keep 'visiting' w/him...but, I took the kids swimming instead and left the phone @ home.

(((((Sophie)))))

Not a bad move, I think!

[Sophie]

Help....I'm starting to freak...

Inlaws have been here all day...they are taking kids to their house for a week. I'm not going, first time I've stayed behind.

They stay w/me whenever they come.

Earlier in the week I tm'd H that they would be here in case they would like to go to dinner or something...that I had to work.

Anyway, nothing has been said, H never spoke to them...they haven't said one word about him all day. It's like he doesn't exist.

Just now, H called his mom. It hurts.

They were talking happy, happy...and I can tell he's telling her how great he is doing...that he is working so hard, etc, etc...

The inlaws live 4 1/2 hours away...I heard her tell him to 'come on down'...

They've been telling me the same thing all day too.

I don't know if he knows if I'm staying home or not...I don't know. It doesn't really matter. '

What really hurts, is that she got off the phone, and won't say anything about him.

It scares me when or why they act as if he doesn't exist. Why do they do that?

It hurts that they talk behind my back. Again...it hurts to feel left out.

I am doing my best to let go...leave it be and let the cards fall where they may. Part of my doing this is letting the kids go somewhere without me....and with H's parents. I don't want to be the obstacle to H's reconnection.

But, when they don't acknowledge him...or stuff...I fear they know something terrible that would really hurt me.

I'm messing with my mind...my reactions/reflex emotions are freaking me out!!

So...can anyone calm me down and put things in perspective??

[Sophie]

Okay...well MIL keeps talking to me like everything is normal. I didn't ask anything about H...and their conversation.

She casually says how good it is to detach and let God work.

I agree.

I get insecure thinking she knows things that would hurt me.

I'll get past this.

Thanks...

[Sophie]

Oh...and I just remembered.

Happy 15th Anniversary to me and WAH....

Too funny...I spent it, a really nice day, with H's parents.:):)

Made it through the day and it only crossed my mind 4 times.

Yea...15 years of 'wedded bliss'...

[Walking]

Hi Sophie

Are your in-laws still staying with you?

I really empathise with your experience - it's really difficult and at times distressing to have to deal with old relationships in a new set of circumstances and it's awkward for everyone. In fairness to your mother-in-law, I guess at this stage, given you guys are living so separately she probably doesn't know what to say. Ya know?

In some ways it says something for the strength of your relationship with them that the continue to come and stay with you - often, usually, the in-laws jump ship with the walk-away. It is a stark reminder to many of us that blood is definately thinker than marriage relationships!

Did your H go out to dinner with the kids and his folks?

I hope you are looking after yourself and taking the time you need for yourself.

You are going through a huge change in life, big stressors and lots of learning - and you are doing it with grace and dignity.

Keep at it.

Thinking of you.

Virginia

[Sophie]

Hi V...how nice to hear from you. Thank you for checking on me.

In-laws came here Thursday around noon. We had a really nice time...FIL power washed the deck and siding. MIL helped me clean a little, took the kids to the neighborhood pool, we all made, ate dinner (nice way to spend my 15th wedding anniversary:))

Maybe, that is why he avoiding the 'scene'. I thought they all would be out...and let me stay home and work, as I mentioned I needed to do.

The only thing weird is that H, their son, is never mentioned. It's like he doesn't exist!

I am the only one who mentioned his name and that just came out in normal conversation. No questions, nothing.

Around 7:30pm H called his mom on her cell. She didn't move out of hearing distance, so I guess there wasn't anything to hide.

That still hurt that he called her....at my house. But, he knew they would here, I told him earlier in the week and I'm sure his mom called ahead as well. He didn't make any plans to go to dinner with them and the kids.

I notice he called conveniently, too late, to go eat. H told his mom he was still working.

The awkwardness with inlaws is BEFORE they get here. As soon as they drive in, it's natural, nice and loving.

MIL calls me her DIL. FIL says son needs a taste of reality.

H gets upset with ME when I comment that a relationship btwn me and any of his family members is strained!!!

I know! He doesn't want to face responsibility for damaging so many relationships. I tell him...'that's what happens in these situations'.

Anyway...I think a huge part of my H's issues concern emotional abandonment by his parents. H has accused me of emotionally abondoning him.

Early Friday morning, inlaws left with the kids. Inlaws took kids to their house, near the beach, for about 8 days.

This is the first time in 15 years that I have had more than a weekend to myself!! It is....quiet!

This is the first the inlaws have been alone with my kids. The inlaws keep asking me to join them...but, I'm enjoying my time.

It is weird that H is just down the road, this is the first time since S13 was born, that we are alone....only we aren't in the same house. But...I'm not contacting him.

This is the first time H has no idea what I am doing. Since he left, he knows I am tied down with the kids. Not much room for 'galavanting'....

I have been without the kids for 3 days...and I can't get over how H can go for weeks without contact with his kids!

How does he do that?

[Sophie]

Was this the wrong DB thing to do?

(H has had trouble keeping up with bills since he left...he knew we couldn't afford a second house, but he counted 'money before it hatched'...and he's worked, and toiled and worked some more to keep up. H has for the most part managed, but with many a late fee, including the mortgage. H has 'managed' this way for over 2 years)

I usually freak when the electric company or med ins. calls warning to stop service. Then, I call him, freaked out...and usually, it turns to ugly.

Today, I got a message addressed to H, hopefully a junk message, from a loan company offering to help keep the house out of foreclosure.

I freaked.

I wanted to call, but I knew I would have a hard time keeping my words from... accusatory and scolding; H usually reacts like it's no big deal which prompts me to scold.

I don't want to scold...I am just afraid.

I didn't call.

but....

I tm'd after I calmed down a little.

'Sorry to have to ask...but...I'm getting strange messages...are the house, med, elec bills up to date? The word 'foreclosure' is being used.'

I wish I didn't send it...but, I did.

H hasn't, and probably won't, respond.

I just want some peace of mind. I know that's not too much to ask, but I know that anything I say about money won't be taken well.

Now...I want to text another, follow up message, to be sure he knows I'm not accusing...but, I tried to say that in the original text.

So, I'm not going to say anything more about it.

I'm not sure how foreclosures work, but wouldn't I know about it? My name is on the loan too.

I believe H works hard to maintain his space....so, to hear things about bills, upsets him. But, he has his freedom from me and the marriage. It must be worth all the hard work.

Geez...I must be horrible to live with for him to choose to stay where he is now.

Okay...I need help putting THAT into perspective, huh?

This mail was only addressed to H and sent here.

[Sophie]

Update..

2 hours later...(i missed these tm's because I was vacumming and cleaning)

H tm'ed back
4:41pm 'I'm working on it'

then

4:45pm 'I did not mean to sound short...i'm working on getting everything straight. K'

So...now what do I say?

Um...

'No problem...I was focusing on 'walking away from it' and not worrying. Thanks for checking back'

???????????

[Sophie]

Well...didn't get a chance to reply before the electric co. called.

I didn't get to it, but saw the caller id.

So, my text to H was
'No problem...Elec. just called, but I didn't answer, k?'

The elec didn't leave a message...like they do when the bill is late.

Sometimes, H works so much, sleeps so little... maybe that's his way of numbing his feelings, that he doesn't stay on top of the bills.

I hope that's the case this time.