JUST USED LRT-WHAT DO I DO NOW???

[Maya44]

No, it could be that he's just embarrassed by his own actions or the guilt drives him crazy. My H moved out of his parents house - that spoon fed him everything while he was there! - because he couldn't deal with it. And they didn't even ask about our M! So I think alot of it for them is the mental thoughts of their own that eat at them. They push their friends and family away as far as possible.

[braveheart]

My FIL was just here and he said he told my H about a month ago that I was at my wits end with this sitch and that I had just about had enough.

FIL wanted to get together with my H to talk to him about the situation and my H refused to meet him to talk about it.

This has to be a bad sign.

I take it that H doesn't want to listen to ideas or advice about the situation. H respects his Dad's opinion so much. H also knows that his Dad and entire family wants to see us back together again.

IS THIS A BAD SIGN THAT H REFUSED TO TALK WITH HIS DAD????

I guess I will wade in with my thoughts. First, let me say that this is all bulls***, I mean that in every sense of the word. I am not saying that about you, I am saying it about him. If you don't want to file, that's your business, but expect a long time of a lot of crap. If you are willing to take it, I understand and applaud you for it. You have been through this for 35 or 36 months, and virtually nothing has changed, I don't see any reason to think that it will. I don't mean to be negative, but I am trying to be realistic. Personally, I would meet him, throw sand in his eyes, kick him between the legs, then go file. That;s the only language these morons understand!

[brandnewday]

WOW....

Braveheart...pretty strong words!!

Your Husband is probably afraid of seeing his Dad, it is called accountability.

Even though he is a big boy he knows he has dissapointed his family and his parents and he doesn't want to hear anything negative about his lifestyle choices.

I am glad he does not have the support of his parents during this terrible time, most of us have in-laws who turn their backs on the LBS.

Try not to worry about what is going on, or what he is thinking. Don't all ow yourself to spin out of control.

Detach....

BREATHE!!!!!!

(((((((hugs))))))

[Maya44]

Good to see you're back on here BND! I've missed you!

[Sanderika]

Hello Braveheart,

I thank you for your opinion. I have been with this man since I was 15 years old. We have a huge history together and have created a life together where everything about us is interconnected. Letting go is not easy. This man is in my heart and soul.

Some days I feel like doing exactly what you just said BUT then I have more days where I can't. I cannot explain my feelings completely. I feel he is doing what he needs to do right now to arrive at a better place.

I went back and read a lot of your posts last night. My H is a typical MLC guy. MLC triggered by depression and loss of his mother. Went looking for OW to satisfy needs not being met at home. Looking for freedom and youth and irresponsibility. I was not meeting his needs due to my own depression triggered by loss of loved ones, overworked, overwhelmed and exhausted. I don't need to go on....

I have done a 360 and I guess I feel my H will do one too. I do not believe that this life he has found is making him happy. I feel he will find that out in due time. I do have hope that H will find his way home...I know it appears unlikely.

I hate this place BUT for some reason I have to live it...I feel like I have learned my lesson BUT there is a higher power that says WE have not. I do not know what is in store for us.

Some say everthing happens for a reason...I hope this is happening so that we both one day will realize....what we want is what we already had and then we will be able to embrace each other with a new and fresh outlook on our marriage.

Sanderika

[Sanderika]

Thank you dar and BND,

I know my H is torn by doubt and guilt. I think you are right that H doesn't want to be accountable for his actions. I think based on your ideas.... H doesn't want to be reminded that he is making a mistake.

My H has kept one local couple as friends. OW does not like these people though. It appears that H has adopted OW friends now as his friends.

One note though that fits here....H isn't afraid to take OW to local clubs and restaurants and stores in town. I think that is his ego being bigger than life. It is his ego that enjoys standing beside this animal while all the guys in view stare at her fake DD B**bs and tattoos. To me it is pathetic and disgusting. I wish this town was not so small.

Sanderika

[Sanderika]

I went out with friends last night. I met them at a local bar to listen to a band.

It was the first time I had to walk into a place like that alone. I felt very awkward. I didn't feel like I fit in with them even though they were all my friends. Everyone seemed to be coupled up and then there was me.

I stayed though right til last call and closing time. I tried really hard to GAL, I tried really hard to be friendly and upbeat. It was hard. I had a few drinks, but couldn't really catch a buzz. I was way too uneasy to have much fun.

I looked really nice and got a couple of compliments. I danced twice and felt like I have forgotten how to dance. I think it was because I was uptight. The band was great so it should have been easy to cut loose, I had a hard time.

I woke up at 5:00am having a panic attack. I do not want to do this. I do not want to be alone. I am scared. Why do I have to be in this place?

Maybe I should not have gone out with the local friends. These people all hang out with H and OW. Since they are out of town, my friends invited me. If H had been around they would not have invited me I am sure. H and OW hang out at this place too.

I think I was consumed by the thoughts of who I am. I am D's wife. People don't usually see me around like that. Everyone knows that D is married to me. D is regularly seen in town with OW. I think I am paranoid. I am so unhappy. I don't like this. Why am I so sad...I went out, I should feel good?

I feel like running away to a very far place and never coming back.

[BarbieDoll]

Hi Sanderika:

Good for you for going out. I used to feel awkward and uncomfortable too. It was NEVER what I wanted. But each time I went - it got easier. And I learned to accept things as they are.

I know that it is not what you want but you have absolutely no control over what your H does. You simply cannot react to everything he does. Or OW does. Because you seem to base everything in your future on what you know of the 2 of them. You should stop finding out what they're up to. It does not do you any good. It makes you feel terrible. I used to do it too. But when I stopped worrying about what they were up to - I started to live again. You know he lies. You know he cheats. It doesn't mean he will never come back. But it also doesn't mean he will.

Best advice I can give you for this stage in your life - go talk to the lawyer and get all the info you can in order to protect yourself. But - since you are not ready and don't want the divorce - don't file. Never threaten to do something you don't want to do. And don't DO what you don't want either. You may reach a stage where you DO want it. Do it then. Not before. Let him - if that's what he wants.

I wish I could take away your pain. I understand it so well. I lived through it all too and would have given anything for my heart to stop hurting. And to make everything right again. But you have no control right now except over your own behaviour. Doing your 180s. Taking care of your son. And trying to go about your own business.

Going out was a 180 for you. Your H will hear about it. It was a good thing in more than one way. GOOD FOR YOU!

Barb

[Sanderika]

Thank you so much Barb, I really appreciate your friendship.

It is comforting to be able to come to a place where people seem to know who you are even though they have never met.

It is sad that you have had to live what I am going thru, I find comfort knowing that you came thru it and have found peace and a good place to be. I want that as well.

I am truly having a hard time with the fact that after 30 years it's not me he wants by his side. The pain of this all is so real and he doesn't see it.

I am going to try better at 180 and GAL and try to stop looking into the world of my H. The internet makes it simple to spy.

I am alone this week again, 3rd and final week S will be gone. I have no plans to speak of...I am going to spend the week preparing questions for the Lawyer and putting more files together.

It has been raining here for a month now. We have had very little sunshine, it makes it less fun to be out and about.

I am going to go shopping this afternoon to pick up a few things for S for school. School starts here on Sept. 2, that will make me feel good to get some of the things he needs out of the way.

I want to feel better, I truly do.

I will try harder.

Thank you again,

Sanderika

[Sanderika]

HELP.........

OMG....My H has cut off my funds.

He left for a vacation on 8/1/08. I know checks for w/e 8/2/08 were written on 8/1/08. I have received a check from my corporation for every week I have been gone since March. It was H that pushed me out of my daily duties. I would still be there if I had my choice. H was sending my check instead of child support and other 50% payments for S.

I did not rec. a check Saturday or Today in the mail.

I called H: on his way back from vaca

ME: Hello, How are you doing?

H: Good

ME: I am calling to see if you wrote my check before you left.

H: NO

ME: Are you going to write me one when you get back?

H: We'll see.

ME: We'll see? What does that mean?

H: We'll see.

ME: Are you planning on seeing me to talk?

H: Yup

ME: You are planning on talking to me?

H: Yup

OMG.........What does this mean???????

I cannot believe that H is willing to play hard games with me.

What is H thinking? Like this is going to get him very far with me, a lawyer or the courts.

I have been extremely good to him over the past 3 years. What the F*** is H thinking???????

I am spinning out of control.......

HELP ME......