So I am taking my D camping for two days. Have NEVER done that before and kind of scared. At any rate, asked H if I could borrow his camping stuff so he brought it over last night.
He dropped off the stuff and hightailed it for the door...of course. I stopped him for a sec as D had asked me to please ask her Dad if he would go camping with us since it's during his two days off. At first he said, "no...I'm not gonna drive that far for that short a time". Then changed it to "I don't want to confuse D....we're done and I don't want to give her false hope".
Obviously, hearing the "we're done" phrase felt like a kick to my stomach so I said so...convo went something like this:
Me: So do you really think it would be giving her false hope? H: Yes, I wasn't happy with you and I don't think I can give you what you want. Me: When you say the words I'm done it kills me. So you are saying no more family vacations...ever. H: Pretty much...I can't figure things out being around you...it's too confusing and I decided it was done a long time ago. Me: When did you decide it was done. He: A long time ago....the last night I stood in the doorway to our room and begged you to come to bed and spend personal time with me and you stayed on the couch anyway...I decided I was done. Me: When was that? H: About a year ago. Me: You didn't leave then H: I didn't know what to do and then we got into an argument one day and you solidified it for me when you told me you didn't need me and could take care of things by yourself. Me: I was hurt and was trying to hurt you H: Well you did Me: Don't you ever miss me? H: Sometimes (tears start to form in his eyes) Me: So you don't see us ever being together ever again? H: I don't know and in a way I'm angry Me: About what? H: That it took me having to leave for you to become the sexual woman I've always wanted Me: I was trying to be that for four months before you left. H: I just don't think it's the real you...I think you are just acting Me: I can't act that well H: Yes you can...I don't want to waste anymore time Me: I don't want to be alone any more He: Neither do I Me: So if you don't want to be alone then you must be considering finding someone new? H: Not right now, but eventually Me: And it wouldn't bother you if I found someone new? H: It would, but I would understand. Can I ask you a question and you will be totally honest with me? Me: Yes H: All those nights you slept on the couch and wouldn't come to bed...were you interested in someone else? Me: Absolutely not H: Had you slept with someone else? Me: No way...I have never been interested in anyone but you. Why would you think that? H: Because you weren't attracted to me and you weren't having sex with me so you must have been getting it somewhere else. Me: I wasn't getting it anywhere...I just had NO sex drive...I wasn't interested in sex at all and I couldn't talk to you about it. You never understood. I needed the non-sexual attention from you. H: I needed you to be sexual Me: I know...now I understand the differences in men and women better....women need the non-sexual attention to feel loving and safe so that they want to have sex, men need the sexual attention so they feel connected enough to want to give the non-sexual attention. It's a viscious circle. But I finally found a medication that works for me and my drive is back. I've also been working on my self esteem issues so that I don't let those interfere with my desire. H: It's too late Me: Don't you like to ML with me? H: Always have Me: Do you want to make love to me now? H: What about D? Me: She's watching TV H: It's kinda hard when she's in the house...I better go.
At this point I notice he has a...ahem..well he is aroused. I kiss him and whisper something suggestive in his ear so he takes my hand and leads me upstairs. We ML....of course when it's over...he's up out of the bed like someone shot him from a cannon. He leaves very shortly thereafter.
So WTF? How weird are these conversations and ML sessions? They are in such direct contrast to eachother. I don't know what to think or do....HELP!
