I guess first things first. I have purchased and read through DivorceBusting. I thought the book was interesting and I did do my best to try many of the things in the book. That was a while ago now though... and so much has happened.
In October of last year, after a build up uneasy feelings about the relationship, my wife of 10 years (partner of 13 years) took our daughter and moved to her parents. I could tell you how I felt... but I have read enough posts here over the months to know that many of you know just what I mean.
The story is long and complex and confusing. I don't have anywhere near enough room here to go through it all but I can summarise the main details.
From the point of her original departure in October my wife changed her mind about leaving several times. At this point her decision, I thought, was driven purely by the fact that I had become somewhat unmotivated and hadn't done enough to support her and my daughter.
Then I found out she had been involved in an internet affair with a man from another country. She had been speaking and confiding in this man since the middle of last year and, during what I thought was a holiday to a friends, had actually met up with him where their relationship became physical.
When I confronted her I told her I wanted to work things out but she had to kill the affair. She refused, said she cared too much for the other man, and left the family home once and for all. We became well and truly seperated.
I went through weeks and weeks of hell. I couldn't believe what she had done, couldn't believe she really loved this other man, couldn't accept she didn't love me anymore. She told me, during the first few weeks of seperation, she catagorically did not love me anymore and wanted a divorce. She was distant, refused to talk and, in the end, communication became impossible.
It was over.
I loved her so much. So very, very much. My family was gone. My life was gone.
As the weeks passed I made it through day by day. I don't know how... but somehow I survived and managed to get back some strength. I concentrated on myself. I focused on my new job, on the people around me, on the gym. I found that other women liked me and found me attractive. My confidence grew. Bit by bit by bit I pieced myself together into someone who could survive. I was able to go days without thinking about my beloved wife, who never contacted or talked to me, and I gradually came to accept she was gone forever. It was a life without her and I had to fight and keep growing. If I didn't fight... I was finished.
But I never, ever stopped loving her. If I allowed myself to think it was the same thing every time. A deep, hollow, aching pain and hurt and agony simply not having my best friend and partner in my life ever again. My childhood sweeheart. We may have made a mess of things... but this is a person I grew up with as well as loved and married and had a child to. Ultimately, being without her was like being alone no matter who I was ever with.
That love I have for her is why I need help right now. I need help because, despite what I thought, my wife and I have started seeing each other again.
Over the last few weeks I have met my wife, first once a week and now.. anything up to three times in a week. When the meetings initially started there was a drink followed by a peck on the cheek and a goodbye. Now the meetings involve drinks, laughs, cuddling and alot of sex.
Great I hear you say! What's the problem?
The problem is I am deeply, deeply afraid of exactly what it is that I am getting into with her.
Firstly, I do not mention anything about the past or where we are going. Neither do I mention the fact that I KNOW she is still in contact with this other man (who has since visited her for two weeks). Now, I accept I do not know the exact nature of what is happening between them but I know enough to decipher that this other man still considers them to be very much in a relationship (albeit one seperated by thousands of miles)
Secondly, although my wife is affectionate when we are together this is often tempered by a distant look at times and, on other occasions, a strange silence about her.
Finally, my wife likes to spend time with me but is very paranoid about 'people knowing'. She doesn't tell her friends or her family we have seen each other. She prefers to keep it secret. It's a strange thing.
I guess what I am saying is this:
When do I actually discuss what is happening and where we are going with her?
I am concerned because I know (although again I do not ever mention) that she is due to visit the other man late this year. I am very frightened that, even though I consider all these meetings and dates to be a sign we have a very real chance at reconciliation, she is merely enjoying it 'for what it is' before the time comes to dump me and go to see the other man.
I am not saying that IS the case... but the truth is that my wife... for whatever reason... is VERY cagey about her feelings. We simply meet, have fun and a good time, say goodbye and then rearrange another date. WE DO NOT DISCUSS FEEELINGS AT ALL.
I am so happy to be spending time with my wife like this. I can't express how much joy I have just picking her up and talking to her and laughing and cuddling and having fun. But I LOVE her. Deeply.
I am terrified I might be setting myself up for a fall again. A long, hard and crippling fall back into all that darkness and pain.
I'm trying to be smart... trying to play it safe... but the truth is I have reached the point now where I am very attached to seeing my wife again and I dread the possibility of all this being simply illusionary.
We aren't divorced.
After the 'BIG' split at the very beginning of the year the subject of divorce was a regular one. She would tell me she had been to seek advice and I could expect the papers within days etc. I would say the same in return.
Somehow... it just hasn't happened. I guess legally we are still married but seperated.
She talked about her reasons for being unsatisfied during the initial split and for some time afterwards. Basically, she felt that, due to her having been the primary source of financial stability in the home for quite some time, and due to my lack of motivation to assist with that aspect of things, she had grown to resent the marriage.
She also mentioned that I had ceased to make her feel loved. That conversation had turned 'boring' and that I was more interested in my own interests than her anymore.
The first point she made, regarding finances, is unfortunately very true. I accepted full responsibility for that. I WAS working towards a degree, which I attained, but the bottom line is she WAS left alone to sort the finances out for too long.
The second point seems a little more vague to me. I accept that things weren't at their best, but I also feel she wasn't trying with me as much as she could have done. I would argue that is evident in her decision to start becoming emotionally attached to another person (and then visiting them)
Since the seperation I have worked ALOT. I have a steady, full-time job and am doing very, very well in my position. I have also become much more active and spontaneous. I am also physically very fit for the first time in a while... I get to the gym at least three times a week.
She phoned me this morning. Weird. Just a random call asking how it went at work etc. Really nice.
Thing is... I KNOW she talked to her OM also last night. I know, as far as he is concerned, everything is fine. All despite the fact we have been meeting and enjoying ourselves for over four weeks.
It's really tough. I just can't understand how she can't see that, if we can meet and enjoy each other's company like this... WHY CONTINUE this relationship with a man thousands of miles away?
fan and a player too. love purple haze and straight ahead. sorry to hear what you're going through. I wish so much my wife was still attracted to me. unfortunately OM lives in our town and won't let up. take it slow with her.....don't set yourself up. don't make her the answer to your personal happiness.....people can always try harder in their first time around...instead they escape to someone else. its a way of life for most. sorry to hear it happened. glad though that she has come around somewhat. keep playing, marshall
M 31 W 26 M 6 S 6 S 3 Separated 6/2008 Back together 10/2008 All you need is love
Own a strat... not a White Woodstock Strat though...
Am I not setting myself up now? I mean, we are involved. We have met each other several times now and even spent a whole weekend together. That said, she is clearly still VERY cagey. She doesn't seem to want to discuss anything to do with the REALITY of our situation. It is very much a case of 'let's pretend'. I like the fact we are 'dating' but surely this can't go on forever. That said, I also accept she probably needs to see that I can just have fun with her and enjoy each others company. It's so tricky.
What do people think around here?
Should I just keep on the way I'm going and not bring the subject up?
Do I mention to her that I am NOT emotionally detached... that I love her?
Do I tell her that I know she is still talking to the OM and that, at least as far as I can tell, she is planning to see him later in the year?
These are my concerns
I suppose it's one thing that, as the OM is thousands of miles away, their relationship cannot be physical for most months of the year for the time being. That said, it is clearly VERY unwise to underestimate or dismiss the reality of the connection between them. They have been speaking nearly a year and met physically twice.
I can't stand it to be honest. I wish she could just see that we could have a bright future and put this man behind her. I KNOW she could be very happy with me.
i wouldn't tell her how you love her or that you aren't detached. act like you ARE detached. play it cool, spend some time together; don't go all out. when it comes to OM, distance doesn't matter, its the feelings. you need to tell her she needs to make a decision. she can't have the cake AND "pretend" to eat it too. you aren't second best. she isn't going to see you have a bright future together yet. her head is cloudy. WAS syndrome.
M 31 W 26 M 6 S 6 S 3 Separated 6/2008 Back together 10/2008 All you need is love
doesn't matter if the affair is physical or emotional. an affair is an affair is an affair. I always make the mistake of making myself the third wheel when it comes to my W and OM. don't do the same. you aren't just a good time. sounds like she is making you out to be the physical aspect, while he is the emotional aspect when they talk. its all or none brother.
"there must be some kinda way outta here...."
M 31 W 26 M 6 S 6 S 3 Separated 6/2008 Back together 10/2008 All you need is love
i was emotionally unavailable and she started drifting to another man, too. classic sad, sad story. i wouldn't use the L word on her yet though. her mind is garbled.
M 31 W 26 M 6 S 6 S 3 Separated 6/2008 Back together 10/2008 All you need is love
Jimi, First, welcome to the club no one wants to be in. Second, you've come to the right place. You'll get lots of good advise here.
Now to your situation. I think you'll find two schools of thought on what you should do and only you know your wife and situation so you're going to have to decide what to do.
That being said, one thought is it's obvious your wife likes spending time with you but she's not ready to give up OM yet which tells me (I think) that she's testing you to see if you've recognized the things she's complained about and are changing them.
So, one of your choices is continue to "date" her, show her the changes you're making, get a life of your own (GAL), and totally ignore OM who is nothing but a predator and will show his colors eventually. Him being so far away is good and bad. Good in that you don't have to worry about them being physically together too much, but at the same time, it's hard for affairee's to get on each other's nerves when they aren't physically together. Trust me, I know about this one. Probably extended my wife's affair by a good number of months once OM moved away and it became a long distance affair, but I digress.
But anyway, first idea is ignore OM, continue to "date" your wife and pray she see's you as the better choice and drops OM and returns to the marriage.
Now the second idea. Your wife is a cake eater. That is, she wants the excitement of her OM, but she wants you too and as long as she's getting what she needs from you and OM, she'll have no reason to change. And if that's the case, how long are you willing to put up with the way things are? Cause she could go on like this for quite a while.
I was kind of in the almost same situation at one point in my W's affair. OM had moved 250 miles away and she knew I was watching her like a hawk so they couldn't physically get together even though I knew it was still going on through phone/IM/TM. And for me, because I knew they weren't phyiscally able to get together, I was able to continue to be the nice guy hoping she would see I was the better choice. Well, that worked for crap. All it did was allow her to use me while she planned the next meetings with OM and the demise of my marriage, so that's when I got aggressive.
So your second choice could be to get aggressive. If you want to do that, let us know and we can help.
It's all going to depend on what you can take and what are you willing to risk? Cause with OM far away, the status quo could last for a LONG time.
Read the other posts here. You'll see examples of some people who do the "be your wife's best friend and she'll eventually see you as the better choice" camp and you'll see examples of the "I'm in a war and will risk the end of my marriage to save it". Personally, I did a whole lot of the first example early on and all it got me was more heartache and "disrespect" from my wife and once I got aggressive in trying to save my marriage, it started to turn around.
All depends on what you have a stomach for and how long you're willing to take the disrespect that is an Affair.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
