You know, its in a way weird (or maybe not) but I've found that dealing with this SSM issue can give you some very profound insights - intellectual and spiritual ideas that can really help in other areas of one's life. A "silver lining" I suppose.
One thing which I had to do in my own situation was to make "emotional reaction time" for myself - to mentally detach in situations (like rejection or outside stresses) that had the effect of pushing my "SSM", "Woe is me" and "Depression" buttons. I eventually got to realise - after long periods of effort - that they were just buttons which I could mentally disconnect.
That was a long time before I read Viktor Frankl's Man's Search for Meaning and his idea that "Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom."
In a similar way, I think what you've described - particularly the tape idea - is what I've recently learned is neuro-linguistic programming (NLP)? Fascinating stuff.
By the way - it looks like you've made GREAT progress in your own situation (in a short period of time). Congrats.
S&A
"A man can be destroyed but not defeated" - from The Old Man and the Sea, by Ernest Hemingway.
Which I take to mean that every man has within him a spirit of relentlessness and optimism. Its already there; he just has to cultivate it.
"I read Viktor Frankl's Man's Search for Meaning and his idea that 'Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.'
In a similar way, I think what you've described - particularly the tape idea - is what I've recently learned is neuro-linguistic programming (NLP)? Fascinating stuff."
Thank you for this post. It puts some perspective into my many very negative moments and quick reactions. I must work on this. I do love philosophy.
Sorry, folks, I'm not trying to be mysterious. Both my computers are dead in different ways. I have the desktop back, but apparently without a working network port, so I can't connect to the internet.
I'm at my parents' house right now checking email. I've got 386 to go through on a slow webmail client on dialup, so I don't have a lot of time to talk. I should be around more by the end of the week.
Very interesting Bear. I can't quite bring myself to call you SOB, I mean, I don't even know you!
Brings great meaning to 'baby steps'. It makes total sense to us all that we have to start small, but many of us can't quite implement it without getting frustrated and giving up.
In my case, I'm trying to figure out how to make my H realize that time with just him and I is just as important as time spent with the kids. Your analogy reminded me that I'm probably not going to get him from point A (thinking that time alone can wait until we're 50) to point B (realizing how great it would be to get away for a weekend) without several intermediate steps. Thanks for that reminder, as frustration was setting in.
I wish I didn't have to convince him that spending time alone with his hot wife is a good thing, I wish I didn't have to convince him that he's lucky his hot wife still wants to spend time alone with him after being together for 16 years (I'm 33 and we started dating when I was 17). I wish I didn't have to remind him that he takes our marriage for granted. But to dwell on what I wish wasn't so, doesn't get me any farther ahead....
Heather
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
I wish I didn't have to convince him that spending time alone with his hot wife is a good thing, I wish I didn't have to convince him that he's lucky his hot wife still wants to spend time alone with him after being together for 16 years (I'm 33 and we started dating when I was 17). I wish I didn't have to remind him that he takes our marriage for granted. But to dwell on what I wish wasn't so, doesn't get me any farther ahead....
I know what you mean. It's easy to think to yourself that he should be "getting it" and if he's not, then you're right and he's wrong. That you're a great catch and he doesn't appreciate you. And it's all true, but it only solves a very small problem: it tells you who wins. But you don't just want to be justified, you want to be happy.
I'm nobody's hot wife, but I had the same thoughts and often still do. "Does she just not understand how lucky she is to have a man who loves her as much as I do? Does it count for nothing that I've been through all the ups and downs, all the chaos, all the hard times, and I'm still here and trying to show her that I love her?"
It sucks to be taken for granted. The trick is in what you do with that. Is it a good excuse to get out? Or to get back at the love of your life, so your favorite person in the world can be made to suffer as much as you did? Or is it worth it to change the marriage?
