BT When I was young I went after the elusive ones like the crowd. Now I let the herd thunder on, determine a criteria, and go for it. If the lady whom is close to my criteria does not play hard to get that's a good thing and it's a fun time for all. Boundries are layed out by both to max the fun and limit the downside.
When I look at something the herd picks I am like a dog chasing a car. When the car stops I find another car. The chase is the game not the prize and I'll let the herd claim the prize. I get a lot of funny looks like that but it's all good.
Their will be a time when you have that freedom and after the initial rush you will be at a loss on what to do to enjoy it. That will come also. I have spent years similar to you and now it's my turn. Your turn will come but when it does there always be someone who will give you the guilt trip so they can jump in line infront of you. Don't listen to it and evaluate their motives.
Some like the responsibility and if that works good for them. When you have kids and parents it's the giving time but also to hold others to task who try to weasel out of their responsibility. Again Motive checks for yourself and others.
Avoiding responsibility because of gender or birth order does not hold water. My often useless advice is if you have to pull their slack then let them know in a factual manner and do not take no guilt BS. A trick is one who asks the questions controls the conversation and gets the other to think. Maybe not to modify their actions but will point out their present actions good or bad.
Doing what is necessary will have it's rewards in the long run greater than the freedom gig when others (kids) need your support. When you get the freedom it will be sweet and the ones who run will know they are true dirtbags though in typical form they will not admit it even to themselves. (Trust me that is scary). Lots of people tried to jump infront with phony guilt trips and I told them to get their A$$ back in line.
If my X can no longer can care for my D13 and I become the custodial parent then much of that freedom will be gone however I will doing something more important. If my mother needs my help the same will happen. Until then I enjoy the ride, see the D13 when it is good for us, and help my mother when she needs it.
Your sacrifice is noted and the example you set is remembered by the ones who count the most.
"All I want is a weeks pay for a day's work" Steve Martin
On the weekends that X has the kids, it's about once each month, sometimes less, I find I'm at a loss. I'm not really sure what I should do. I always think I'm going to get so much done, but I find myself doing NOTHING. I read, I sleep. I crave that time alone...no TV, no noise. Quiet. I think that maybe after the first couple of days of quiet, I would get into an activity, but with only two nights/one day of being without my children, I don't have time to adjust my thinking.
We had agreed that he would have the kids with him for 4 weeks during the summer, but he hasn't been able to do it and I, with nothing else to do, have not pushed it. I think it may be important for me to assert myself more...with my family and my X...so I have the time to SEE who I am and where I want to be.
Does that make sense?
As for following the crowd...that hasn't been my problem, but there have been times when I've...I see me hiding behind the curtain, not showing myself completely, but there, watching, wishing I could step out and let myself be seen. Instead, I pull down the brim of my hat, fold up my collar, and walk away.
I swear I'm not that much of a freak, I just feel that way sometimes. I admire those people who are flamboyant and unafraid of being the center of attention. It makes me wonder what makes them different.
Funny, my dad is always telling my d6 that she always has to be the center of attention. I secretly cheer her on. Go ahead honey, demand it, claim it. If I can give that to my kids, fantastic.
I'm not an expert, but I've been there. And I survived.
BT I believe you need a woman's prespective on this. I understand shyness and did not even go out for two years at all anywhere post D outside of time with D13.
I had a thread on flirting that a poster talked about acting out a character when flirting. I prefer to have the people whom I am with take the bow and the attention since today's hero can be tomorrow's goat.
Though we like to say other's opinions do not sway us a chorus is hard to ignore. Good or bad. I also feel the depth of one's character is not tested during bad times (most rise to the occasion) but during good times when the distant sounds of caution are drowned out but the applause.
A popular financial author states he is scared when he makes too much money too fast. Not that he likes money but he realizes he is unbalanced and will soon take a fall so it's time to look at his stragety. Many people did not in early 00 and many very good surviving companies are valued less 8 1/2 years laster.
In a religious sense a favorite author stated Pain is God's Megaphone which is true but in Pleasure the message is spoken in a wisper. That is why so many of us and all leaders with bad intentions overreach.
I believe pain is a more powerful emotion than pleasure and we will feel the effects of pain than the elation of pleasure thus our reactions are measured as such.
If a child enjoys eating ice cream they will not break into each ice cream display every time they go to the supermarket but if they hate spinage you can bet the spinage shelf will be avoided.
As with all rules there are exceptions and I have seen some kids immune to pain and punishment and laugh at their dad while getting their mouth washed out with soap or spanked. Usually they end up as US Marines or in front of a Judge.
It takes a while and you probably need a friend to run interference for you in social settings who is levelheaded, similar place in life, and a good judge of character quickly.
Little geeky but I hope you catch my drift.
"All I want is a weeks pay for a day's work" Steve Martin
I do. But I wouldn't say I'm shy. I think I would say that most of my friends would think I have it all together. Most people would look at me and not suspect I like to melt into the background. Most of my friends would say I'm fun to be around. I just feel like...I don't really know how to explain it.
I saw a woman wearing this great outfit. Red longish top over these really cute capri pants, high heels. I just thought it was a great outfit, but one I could never wear without feeling totally conspicuous. So I stick to jeans and Ts. Sometimes I just want to be that girl that everyone stares at and feel completly comfortable with the attention. I guess that is what I was trying to get at. I admire that "why not" attitude
Maybe I just like being in my comfort zone. I guess we all do.
I'm not an expert, but I've been there. And I survived.
KS Chick...do you think the rules have changed since we were single before? It was about 15 years for me. Now the internet has changed, digital cameras, camera phones, Instant everything...they want my email address, they send text messages, pictures of body parts. Cougars. Milfs. Instant gratification on everything. Maybe that has something to do with skipping a few steps and getting right to the bedroom, or the back of the car, or the parking lot...
I'm not an expert, but I've been there. And I survived.
That could be too. I was 15 when I started dating my x. My dating growth was stunted. At least that's what I tell myself when this dating stuff makes my head swim.
Regardless of how it's changed, I know what I want. I guess I'll know him hopefully.
I do have one fella out of all the ones I've talked to - one.... that has never been out of line. Not once. I have hope.
The funny thing is it drives one of my friends insane because he hasn't done/said anything like that. Her excuse for the others is "at least you know he thinks of you in that way"...
Makes me kinda sad for her.
I don't want to be thought of in JUST that way...
....Understand, that I can't, not be what I am I'm not the milk, and Cheerios in your spoon ~ Avril Lavigne ~ ..."Nobody's Fool"...
Your posts really resonate with me on so many levels.
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For me right now, I guess it's the freedom I see. The ability to go and do whatever they want when they want. I know I can't jump on a jet ski and run up and down the river. I know I can't jump in my car and just drive, no plan, no specific destination, stop when I get tired, take the scenic route. I know I can't do those things. Would that same person hold that same attraction if our lives were different? Would I be drawn to that freedom if I had no ties on me? Or would I be drawn to someone stable, rooted in reality, who would be my mirror image?
I am a planner at heart. I do things that "appear" like I am taking risks - like starting my own firm - but they are always well thought out calculated risks. I need routine, stability and predictability. But I also get bored when I get what I want...
The X was not a planner. And we clashed at times. But looking back - The X drew me out and taught me to take some risks w/o planning. And we both had our drama queen moments - but when the M was doing well - he was grounded when I wasn't and I was when he wasn't. It was a good R when it was working.
I do know that these days - I gravitate towards people that make me feel grounded. But people that also know how to take some risks and have some fun. However these same people also have their moments and I am the grounded one...
I am rambling - you have made me think...
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As for following the crowd...that hasn't been my problem, but there have been times when I've...I see me hiding behind the curtain, not showing myself completely, but there, watching, wishing I could step out and let myself be seen. Instead, I pull down the brim of my hat, fold up my collar, and walk away.
I swear I'm not that much of a freak, I just feel that way sometimes. I admire those people who are flamboyant and unafraid of being the center of attention. It makes me wonder what makes them different.
I don't think there is such a big difference. I can walk into a room knowing no one and am very much of an extrovert. BUT I also feel like a part of me is hiding behind that curtain. And while I enjoy the interactions at that moment - I do not form emotional attachments easily. At the end of the social occasion - I too pull down the brim of my hat, fold up my collar, and walk away.
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I saw a woman wearing this great outfit. Red longish top over these really cute capri pants, high heels. I just thought it was a great outfit, but one I could never wear without feeling totally conspicuous. So I stick to jeans and Ts. Sometimes I just want to be that girl that everyone stares at and feel completly comfortable with the attention.
My sister is like that woman. She can carry a great outfit. I feel very conspicuous when I dress up - so I dress down.
I was downtown on Saturday - expecting to be doing touristy things with a friend - so I dressed in comfortable clothes and took my backpack b/c it is easier than a purse. My plans fell through so I decided to get tickets for the matinee show to Wicked. I had an hour to spare so I ran to Macys to see if I could find a dress. And I did find a dress and well then I needed hose and shoes and I just felt very "conspicuous." So I went to the musical looking like someone that was backpacking through the country. And then I decided I want to go to a really nice restaurant I had always wanted to try - wearing the same clothes - probably far more conspicuous than had I bought the dress.
I don't know why I felt such a mental block when it came to buying that outfit... It was even on sale! It felt so outside my comfort zone. I know that The X really liked it when I dressed up - but I rarely did... And I know even though he never said anything - he was disappointed at times.
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Instant gratification on everything. Maybe that has something to do with skipping a few steps and getting right to the bedroom, or the back of the car, or the parking lot...
I feel the same way. I feel very pressured to decide EVERYTHING now. I would like to just get to know someone w/o the pressure of "will I go out with him w/o even having a conversation - where is this R going - when are we going to sleep together, etc."
I feel like I am in the middle of that Madonna/Justin Timberlake song - Four Minutes with a clock ticking.
I have made an effort during the last month to get out more and get involved in activities where there are other single people present. That way there is the possibility that I can first get to know potential dates first as friends before I decide if I want more. Will it work - I have no idea.
Thank you for your posts. They have really made me think about things...
I think that right now your situation is overwhelming you. You seem to be everything to everybody without having much me time. Do you think that because of the fact that your kids are gone for so short a time that besides doing some of the things that used to bring you joy it also keeps you from putting in time with friends to keep a regular connection? Maybe this makes you FEEL as if the "freaks" are all that's out there. Making the effort to be around really good friends may change your whole perspective including how you are viewing yourself right now.
The guys you're meeting on these game sites may be making these crude remarks because they can. What with the annonymity afforded them they can say whatever they want to women and get away with it. I know that there are lots of great guys out there that still know how to treat women with respect yet still know how to bring a smile to our face by being fun and spirited. The next time you get the chance for some me time, don't sit home alone, call a friend and go somewhere where you get to rub elbows with real live people. Judging from what you've written that would do you a world of good.
KC I don't know where your're meeting these men but don't give up. You'll find that guy. He could be right under your nose!
