Just journaling here. It's kind of funny to look at how I felt on Friday and how I feel today. Friday was full of stress, Saturday and Sunday less so. I let my situation with my W effect my emotional state too much. Saturday, the kids and I rode bikes around the lake. Today, we went over to visit W's Aunt and Uncle and had an enjoyable couple of hours. As the evening progressed tonight, I found myself getting stressed about W calling to talk to the kids. I got a text from her last night that the coverage was poor where she was at and that she would talk to the kids tonight. When she called tonight, we talked about getting D12 registered for school and how they aren't convinced that the kids are actually living with W and should be in that school district. I mentioned what I had done to get her registered and W commented "Oh, so you screwed things up." So, once again, anytime anything is wrong, it is automatically my fault. I didn't yell and scream, so I guess that I'm maturing and learning to handle this better. I'm sometimes troubled in that at times it seems like DB is about becoming apathetic to our spouses. I don't want to not feel for my W, I want to be treated respectfully and lovingly and to be able to reciprocate.
Piggybacking on our MC and that I have a 6 month window for improvement and DB. I thought that I would talk to my counselor who is well familiar with DB. I'm in a place where I really need a DB coach. I don't know if my current MC can act in that capacity or if she would be uncomfortable doing so. However, I thought that I would make an appointment for myself with our counselor for a couple of weeks from now and try and map out a game plan based on her knowledge of us and our situation. I'm hoping that she can see 180s etc. that will be effective. Then, I will schedule our next MC appointment and my plan is to have to work late or to get caught in traffic and to either show up very late or miss the appointment entirely so that W has the session to herself. I will run this past my MC for her thoughts first, but, I'm a little bit lost on what to do and how to maximize the time that I have available.
I swear, sometimes I think that the thing that would help me the most right now would be to have a handful of ONS over the next few months while I am in the process of trying to rebuild this M better faster stronger. I won't because I believe my W would be badly hurt and I would have compromised my own commitment and honor. Now, I need to figure out what about the idea seems useful and find an acceptable way to achieve the same end.
Oh, and W feels like she is single handedly getting the kids registered for school. Well, she is the one with the time during the day so, it makes sense. Sometimes I just want to scream at her. She acts as if this is a major burden as far as I can see, it has involved downloading and filling out some forms and visiting the two schools, arranging for and attending the kids' physicals. I was at the physicals too and if she wasn't handling things, I would have done it myself. I guess what bugs me is that compared to what I handle every day at work, that is a little thing and she talks about it and seems to have an expectation of being treated like she has slain a dragon. I don't know whether to buy into her evaluation of the difficulty of the project or keep up my current path of mumbling polite acknowledgments of her workload.
I think that we stand a chance if I can get us to friends. That said, I don't know how things can work out without her personal growth as well. I cannot give up and I'll come here and cry when I need. Oh, I did break into tears when reading picses9's plan to get matching tattoos when things are right again. I do so hope we can end up under the needle.
I'm hoping to get a call tomorrow setting up a phone interview as the first step toward a job working entirely from home. I'm a computer guy for a large financial company and things are looking like half of our department will be going away in the middle of next year. This would really help out with trying to manage the kids and I have always wanted to have my office at Starbucks
