Here we go again...long need to vent

[water2moon]

Some of you may remember I had a terrible time with my DB'ng efforts..I was so hurt and angry that i took it out on H every day or nearly everyday.On April 25th the OW sent my children texts of their father naked. Luckily they never saw them. Police were called but I agreed not to press charges.He told me then that he would never want her again that he was disgusted. I believed him..until July when he started pulling away from me again and blamed me, then I only got worse and our fights became violent. I was the one who struck him a couple of times and he hurt me by either holding me down or grabbing me when i tried to leave. My arms and wrists were always bruised. So a few weeks ago I found out that the OW was having her sons 3rd birthday party about 25 mins away..the same day as H birthday, August 2nd..So I casually mention about 2 weeks before how the girls and I would like to take him to lunch..he makes an excuse and says he may have to work..I start to get suspicious but dont say a word..The night before his bday we get into a big fight and we continue fighting all night into the morning via phone and texting while he was working.

So on his birthday he tells me hes going to play golf..little did he know I had plans to show up at the OWs party with a friend..I left about 20 mins after him, my friend drove, I was too shaky..I told myself that if he was there I would file for a D the next day.So we drive by and there is his car..I couldn't breathe and just started shaking..she makes a uturn and proceeds to park a few cars behind his..then I see him walk out, get into the OW's car and he was moving it into the lot off of the street. He seemed so casual as if driving her car was a natural thing that he does all the time..So I wanted to be calm..but I just lose control..I ran out of the car and ran over to him, he looked up and saw me right as he was getting out of the car.I had a water bottle in my hand..I swear i dont even remember throwing it at him but I guess I did and I hit his lip and he got a bloody lip.So then he grabs me and starts moving me away and up the street away from the party place.The entire time I'm screaming, crying and trying to break free..He convinces me to get into my friends car in the backseat with him. The entire time he's telling me that he is still not "with" her and is no longer sleeping with her that they started talking to each other a few weeks prior and that theyre just friends..Of course I want to believe every word this man tells me but at this point I am so fed up..He threatens me and says If I dont leave and go home with him I will regret it..of course that infuriated me more and I told him that we were done I was getting a divorce.My friend asked him top get out of her car, he was rude and cocky and refused..he took my cell phone away because I told him I was going to call his whore..a few seconds later the police arrive..It was a female officer and he got mouthy with her..she todl him to back off or she would cuff him..I cant eblieve that this OW has made my H this type of person.We have now become violent and the police have been called twice..all over his Affair!! Well my fingers need a break..I will continue this shortly..

[Sugar and Spice]

((((W2M)))) I am sooooo sorry about this. Whats going on now?

[water2moon]

Ok so after the cop fills out her report and calls it a domestic disturbance..she tells my H to give me back my phone and not to follow me..Of course he does just that. He followed me home the entire way calling me and begging me to just talk to him. At this point I was such a mess I could not even speak.My good friend drove to my house to take care of my kids and she got them some lunch..I called his sister who I am close to and she drove out from NJ to come over..at this point I wanted him out of my house..But then something happened..everything changed. H broke down sobbing..this time worse than ever before..I knew he was so scared..But for teh first time he let me in..He satrted telling me things, told me he was a mess and confused and that he no longer loved her but becasue I kept saying horrible things to him every day I was the one driving him away..I was making him miserable when he had asked me to help him..I laughed that time and told him that it was I who needed help..He told me he did love me and wanted me to be the one who made him happy and not her..he also told me that he was scared of not living with me, that his life was here and he could not imagine alife with her..so now my H who has refused any sort of therapy is now in counseling with me.I have seen the error of my ways, for although I did not force him to speak to her again I did help..I also spoke to the OW yet again..Gosh at this point she and I should go have tea together or something! And she told me that they were not physical this time just foolishly thought they could remain friends..I dont know what to believe really anymore for I no longer have any trust left. But our therapist pointed out that the fact that my H did not stay with the OW at her sons party and remained with me the entire time outside and then followed me home it showed where he truly wanted to be. At that point he thought ok my marriage is done she's going to leave me now so what do I have to lose? And he could have stayed..but he came after me..I really hope I can DB better this time..I do love him and it was so nice hearing him say the words again..And I know he meant it..Little by little the man I fell in love with is returning, he says he wants to be that person again, he doesn't like himself anymore..Sort of feels like I'm helping an addict in a way, but instead of alcohol or drugs its another woman..I hope that he continues counseling as I know he really needs help too..and its a miracle that he even agreed to it..but I'm happy that he did and after 8 mos the clouds are finally starting to lift and I am beginning to have real hope..

[water2moon]

I think H realizes that although he does care about the OW he wants the life he has here more..But we both have a lot of changing to do..I realize that I did not do all I could do to save my marriage..this time I will give it my all..if then I sense that he is pulling away again I will know..I always know when he goes back to her..and if he does then we will be done.Nothing he can say will change that..But I truly hope she can and will just leave him alone..she keeps saying that she wants to move on and have both families heal yet she calls him and makes the first move, then because he's unhappy with me he gives in.I'm tired now but I don't feel so depressed anymore..I foolishly was looking for a quick fix..little did I realize this might take months and months, maybe years for us to fix..I hope we can do it and our family can get past the hurt..

[Puppy Dog Tails]

W2M,

I would strongly recommend that your husband write a "no-contact" letter, the content of which is to be approved by you, and it is to be DELIVERED by you, to the OW. You also need to set up a transparency system, whereby you can feel comfortable that they are no longer in contact. Change his cell phone #, with detailed billing on the new #, and the bill coming to you. He leaves his cellphone out. You exchange daily schedules.

I do think your husband is sincere. I also think he won't be able to pull it off without a system in place, as his past history makes him a very good candidate to backslide.

Do you think he would do this?

Puppy

[water2moon]

I also believe he is sincere but so very weak right now. He tells me he is beginning to hate her..I understand that this is just him looking to place blame on anyone but himself. We did the no contact letter in April and I told her I would report her for the pics she sent if she contacted him again. But according to H she just happened to be at this job??..she used to work at the same station( EMS) and feels comfortable just hanging out there. H says he will look into changing stations soon and hopefully changing hours..this midnight shift is killing me..I never get to sleep next to him. I really hope that the C helps him as I feel he's going through an early MLC..He also told me he feels like getting on aplane leaving his job and everyone else behind because he is so ashamed at his behavior and doesnt know who he is anymore..that makes two of us!! I pray this works..

[Starshyne]

Honey,
I am so sorry that you had to go through all of this. The police were at my home 3 times throughout my mess and I still can't believe it.

Be careful. I am sure your H is sincere. My H was also. He would tell me how he wishes he never met her, that he hated her that he wanted to be with me and not her because I was sucha better person. However like a drug he is addicted to, my H kept going back to her time and time again. This is still happening to this day. He breaks up with her and then gets back with her. It is like she has super powers that are stronger than his own desires and will. You need to have your guard up and you might need to double check if he is really where he says he is.

He really needs to write that no contact letter. Mine never would and that was a red flag to me that he didn't want to move on. Your H needs to show action along with the sobbing and the words. What he is going to do so that this awful OW is out of your lives?

I am on my way out of town this weekend but will check up on you again on Monday. I am praying for you and praying that your situation does not turn outlike mine. Hang in there and keep doing things that benefit yourself!

Sara

[Puppy Dog Tails]

What he is going to do so that this awful OW is out of your lives?

Yep. THIS is what it all comes down to. The ball is in his court, and you need to ask him what he is going to do with it.

There is a world of difference between the different stages some wayward spouses are in. Some are "I'm not having an affair; we're just friends." And others are "Yes, I'm involved with someone else, but I'm happy, my marriage is over, and I have no intention of stopping it."

But then there are the people like your husband, who basically say "I want to end it, but I can't." This is the group that needs a firm no-contact/transparency plan, to help them deal with the addiction and give their marriage the best chance of success. Saying she "just stops by" the fire station is b.s. He needs to send her another letter (and again, YOU should approve the content, and be the one to deliver or mail it), specifically telling her NOT to contact him -- EVER AGAIN. That he is trying to work on his marriage, and that he owes it to his family to give it his best shot, and that he can't be in contact with her, and ask that she respect that.

And you need to ask him to do just that. His response to you will speak volumes about his intentions.

Puppy

[water2moon]

Thanks Sara..I feel the same way..I feel like he's an addict and he's addicted to her. The only thing I am sure of is thatthe past 3 months I did NOT do everything I could to save my marriage and DB the correct way.Nearly every day I treated him like garbage and told him constantly to "go to her" and that i wanted a divorce. Of course I am not blaming myself, just shows he must not have really wanted to end it or he would have been able to. Of course they both say that there was only friendship this time around and nothing sexual..but I don't believe much anymore.We went to counselign this past wednesday so that was a big step and shows me he does want to try. But can he do it? that's another story..so I will do my best to DB and then if he does go back I can say I gave it my all and move on. Hard as that may be. H cried last week when he told me he is afraid of life without me, i'm all he's known since he was 19. So I understand that change is scary but I want him to really want me again..To love me again and get her out of his heart and mind..But I realize now it may take longer than I thought. But I need to stop playing the victim here like Michele says in her book or I will be the victim.Hope u have a great weekend Sara!

[water2moon]

Ok as for the letter we did just that..but sent it via email..On Saturday I called the police and spoke to a detective about the text messages she sent back in april..He looked it up and the report came up..but unfortunately text messages are very hard to prosecute. She can deny that she sent them and it would end up costing lots of money for us in lawyers fees and my H could lose his Job as well..so basically the officer was very supportive..I told him that the OW texted me the night before and told me to call her. I didn't call though..I know she wants to upset me so I can throw him out. Why should we suffer financially because he lost his mind? So the officer was nice enough to call her for me and he told her that if she didn't stop texting or calling we would press charges. He called me after and told me she was crying and said she would stop and would be changing her number.I also emailed her the link to an article I wanted her to read. Will attach the link..I know she opened it but not sure if she read it.There of course was no response and I now need to not contact her at all or I can now get in trouble.I can't believe that 8 months have passed and I am still dealing with this nightmare.
affairs and married people